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I'm not sure where to start with everything that I am thinking and feeling. I'm really struggling with reaping what I have sewn, as some would say. It's a huge thing because I changed someone's life dramatically. How this person can forgive me I have no idea but that is up to them and not for me to worry about. I do feel very terrible about the circumstances and I even can't forgive myself right now but in time I know that I will.

Since that happened I have felt so lost, like I am wandering around alone in a place I have never seen or been before. Feelings of fear grip me and I am paralyzed and just want to hide where I am safe. I know we have nothing to fear and I have always told myself that each of us has conquered fear only we haven't realized it yet, and I feel that is so true, but right now that fear has trapped me.

I guess it is the fear of losing this friendship with this person because I have learned and grown so much spiritually from just talking and knowing with this person. It breaks my heart and I just can't let them go (if that is what God is wanting me to do?). I don't even know if that is what God's will is for me to do.

I haven't told anyone about this not even my closest best friend and this is just eating me up inside. I'm hanging on to what feels like the end of the rope ready to just let go so I can hit the bottom and begin to climb back out and be more than just "ok", well right now I am not ok. I have been so strong for so long that I can't keep pretending anymore.

I have become depressed over this and I know you can't just snap out of it and I want to feel so much more like my "normal" self and it just isn't happening. I'm trying to see all the good things that come out of each day, and there are a few things each day. Each day is just so hard to get up and move forward in some way.

I need to tell someone everything.

I thank you for taking the time to listen and respond.

PLAF

Dear PLAF,
Thank you for taking the time to write, that was a huge step in the right direction. You can not bear this burden all on your own. Have you talked to the person that you hurt and asked for forgiveness? Is it something they know you did? Talking about it on here is good but it might also be good to find a Christian counselor in your area that you can work with.

I know that forgiving yourself is very hard to do. Satan sees to that! He is the father of lies and does a great job of convincing us that we are not worthy of the forgiveness for which Jesus already died on the cross.

Forgiveness is like peeling an onion. You get one layer off and surprise! you find another! The process, like peeling an onion, also produces a new batch of tears as you take off each layer. This applies to forgiving ourselves, too. I did a really foolish thing one time (actually a lot of times but I'm just referring to one time in particular) and it hurt several people. It took a long time to work through the horror of what I had done. Now, years later, if the enemy points out to me how badly I messed up, I just pray, "God, I know you have already forgiven me for this. Help me to accept that forgiveness and learn from my mistake. Protect me from the enemy's lies!". Then I actually brush off my shoulder to knock Satan off and keep him from whispering in my ear. It's a silly thing but it helps!

I'm pretty new on this site but if you would like to privately message me, I think there is a way to do that. I would be glad to walk with you as you go through this struggle. It sounds like you need a friend to help you bear your burdens for a time.

~K