Christianity Oasis Member Forum & Chat Room

I am a big mess.

Not even ten minutes ago, I was sitting at my desk bawling into my hands. I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember and every time I think its getting better... it doesn't. Sometimes I worry that I am manic depressive because in the span of just a few hours I can go from be absolutely happy and fine to feeling like I don't ever want to get out of bed ever again.

In the spirit of step one. I am going to reflect on what got me to this place. I googled online counselling. Why did I? Because I am finally working on my last assignment for my last class that is due tomorrow. Part of the assignment was a self reflection about the course. It forced me to admit some things to myself that I didn't want to. I have never once gone through a semester of school without failing or doing very poorly in a class because I skipped more than half of it. I don't know if its social anxiety, laziness, depression, stress, or what but I always find some excuse to skip in the beginning..."it'll be fine, its only the second week of school and I'll go next class" then suddenly is the last week of school and I've skipped over 20 classes. I am too embarrassed to go to class because I know that the professor knows that I haven't been going. I get so stressed out about being behind that I sometimes just don't do assignments. Then I get down on myself about the money I'm wasting accomplishing nothing because I keep skipping class. But sometimes I just can't make myself get out of bed.

I feel guilty about wasting money, I feel ashamed about failing classes, I feel like a failure at life because this has been going on for four years and I have failed time and time again to change it. I don't know whats wrong with me.

I don't even want to get started on my relationship with God. I barely talk to him anymore. I am so ashamed of myself that I don't WANT to talk to him. I try to read the bible but it just makes me feel guilty. I was raised a Christian. I have believed in God my whole life. I have NEVER read the entire bible. And I when I try, I feel guilty that I don't understand it. I haven't been to church since probably July because my parents were back in town. I can say honestly I was overjoyed to go to church with them. It wasn't obligatory church attendance, it was choice. But now they are back out of the country and I don't want to go to church because everyone will ask me how my parents are... but no one will ask me how I am, no one will ask me why I haven't been there in so long. And I don't want to think about my parents, I miss them so much. I am lost without them. The only thing getting me through every day is that I get to go see them for Christmas in two weeks.

I'm not suicidal and really if you saw me during the middle of the day, you would see me genuinely happy. But this is all always there, below the surface.

See...big mess.

I don't even want to get started on my relationship with God. I barely talk to him anymore. I am so ashamed of myself that I don't WANT to talk to him. I try to read the bible but it just makes me feel guilty.

Dear headvsheart,

Welcome to Oasis! Im so glad the good Lord led you here. You arent here by mistake, sister in Him. He has heard your every cry, your every plea, and has answered by leading you here to find some answers...and healing, and truth. Im so glad He is has. He is so good.

Sis, this shame you are carrying is a tool the enemy of your soul uses to keep God's children bound in lies. We are all sinners saved by Grace. Nothing you have done or ever will do will catch God off guard..or surprise Him. He knew every single breath we were going to take before He created the foundations of the earth. This is the whole reason Christ gave His life on the cross; to bridge that gap our sins have caused between us and God. When you have asked for forgiveness, it is done. We get stuck in thinking that we have to make up for our sins...to make it right. No amount of work, or beating yourself up for what youve done can make up for it...that was why He died for us. Once we accept that it is because of His mercy and love and grace alone that we are saved, the shame, guilt and whispered lies from the enemy have no power over us. Its not because of what we've done, its ALL about what He has done for us...Who He is.

Accept His forgiveness, sister. It is His free gift to you...and His promise. Dont let the enemy kill, steal and destroy God's most precious gift to and within you by twisting God's truth. His grace is sufficient for you. It is enough. If something comes into your mind while praying or reading God's word, rest securely in the fact that Christ shed His blood for that.

Im praying for you through this, as Im sure so many others are as well.

In Jesus,
love momo

Hello headvsheart,



I love the name!! It is truly a name describing what we battle with everyday.

Welcome to Oasis!

Im sorry you are having a difficult time in your life. I am not here to give advice but to give a lil testimony and my hopes are that through this you will gain what He wants you to gain and discard what doesnt apply.

I am/was brutally hard on myself, always criticizing my work, decisions, my looks, my mind, my failures... the list can go on forever! As long as i have time to think about all the wrongs with me, believe you, me... i can find something!

When i began to "wake up" from this habitual way of self abuse by my thoughts and constant punishing and shaming myself to point of depression, I began to realise that i wasnt so bad off as i thought i was. Who was i holding myself up to as far as my accomplishments or lack of, even ? Was i comparing myself to others and their accomplishments and how i fell short of them? To who's standards? and was i making my own standards, or relying on someone elses? God said in Genesis that He looked at what He made and said "It is good!" I am human.. i am not perfect, but God says "It is good!" Only Christ has walked in perfection on this earth and i am a far cry from Him, BUT ... and yes there is a but. Knowing that Christ's perfection and atonement for me not making the mark, (sin means missing the mark, mark of what? Perfection! Well it is not humanly possible for any of us to be perfect.) really put me into a place where i can find peace within me now. I was waring within myself against myself (now does that even make any sense? Especially when He says to love one another! That includes ourselves!)


Ah! aha, I got it! Put down the gloves Jill and accept yourself for who you are and after you come to that acceptance and that you are loved by Him, just the way you are, start to get to know yourself and learn to love yourself, the way He loves you. Really?? Thats it? Nope but its a great start!

So n e ways.... Thats it, no advice just a lil bout me that i see a lil in you from what you shared.

God bless n keep ya
♥Jill

God loves you. God loves you as a little child. Not because of what you do - but because he is a wonderful God and you are his little child.

The worst thing is to cut yourself off from God. Paul was murdering Christians, David was an adulterer and murderer. God loves. God sees the heart and God loves.

The most important thing is to seek God. And to know that God is love and He loves you.

Dear Friend,

Everyone else has given such great words of wisdom that I won't repeat it but I did think of a few other things to add. It seems that you are really struggling with your parents being gone. Did this trouble start when you were separated from them? I'm so close to my family that I have never moved further than 1/2 mile from my parents. I am now at the place where my children are moving out of state and it feels like a part of me has gone with them. But you have to focus making this."new normal" work for you.

Here's some things that popped in my head as I read you post:

Who says that you have to read the whole Bible all the way through? Start out by finding a version like Contemporary English version or God's Word Translation and read ONE verse a day. You can find the whole Bible on line in more versions than you can read at http://www.biblegateway.com or download the youversion app if you have a phone or iPad to put it on. After a period of time, step up to reading two verses, one in the morning and one at night.Then eventually you can
increase what you are reading. But don't make your goal the whole Bible. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a
time. Praying can be the same way. Just do a sentence at a time and whenever you think of it, at anytime during the
day.



As far as attending class, can you think of something with which you can reward yourself? Make up a list of fun things that you can do only after you have attended class. Stop at the store and get an apple to eat on the way home, go for a run in the park, stop to visit a friend, etc. I'm sure your list of rewards would be different than mine. Just make sure it doesn't always involve spending money or junk food! Then when you have successfully completed the semester, celebrate! 

As far as attending church, is there another church nearby that you could go to and make it your own instead of the one
your parents attended? You could start with a clean slate so people are caring about you and not just asking about your
parents.

Satan loves it when we are down and he is a master getting us there then laying on the guilt for being there. Don't let him be the one in control. Kick him out of the picture! Tell him that he is no longer in control and then be prepared for a battle because he was just getting all comfy and he won't go easily! Put God back in that spot! He loves you no matter what and won't lay the false guilt on you. H will just wrap you in His arms and hold you!

Idea. Get a calendar and some stickers. Set your goals and each day that you accomplish them, give yourself stickers for the. I know it sounds childish but it really is a fun thing to do and a visual reminder that you have accomplished what you wanted to do!

another idea!  find someone who needs you. Go visit those who don't get visitors at a nursing home, volunteer at a pregnancy center, or a Christian homeless shelter. Any of those places would love to have you come sort clothes, or talk to lonely people or sweep floors or . . . . .

Being away from you family is hard. I'm missing my kids something fierce (and one of my sons is talking about going to study in New Zealand for three years! YIKES!) but I just keep busy and love them from a distance. When you go visit them at Christmas, talk to them about it. From the sounds of it, they are good parents who love you and want to help you. I think they did a good job raising you! You are going through a rough patch but you can do it. Jesus is there waiting for you. Talk to Him!

Love and prayers for you!

~K