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I just finished reading stepping stone 1. I have to admit this is not my first time going through this. I started before and I didn't finish. There has been so much that has happened to me since last year when this all began. Who knew it would be like the starting over again a year later. I didn't see this coming so soon. I just had surgery and I am recovering now and have six weeks on the couch. I am grateful and blessed that it finally happened and I know you can't rush recovery, but it's funny how much you think of to do when you can't do anything. Anyway, I am very disappointed in myself. I stopped going to church every Sunday and make a lot of excuses now. I find myself more and more distant from the Lord because I am ashamed of all that I am NOT doing. But that is the problem in itself. I feel like I have to be doing to something in order to be saved. Tell me about confusion...I know that I can't do anything to be saved that the Lord saved me already without me doing a thing but surrendering. But somehow I keep thinking I'm not doing enough to stay close to Him. I have been blessed with gifts and feel like i'm doing absolutely nothing. If I died today what could I say when Jesus asks me what I have done? nothing...I don't want to go through the rest of my life stagnant. I want to grow in the Lord. Just last year you couldn't separate me from the Word now I have lost the will to even read it most of the time. It's a constant battle within myself and most of the time my "SELF" wins. It's like...I do something I know is wrong and then I hate it. I lie about something and then I hate that I lied. I don't read the Bible like I wanted to and then I hate that I didn't take the time to. I smoke cigarettes again but hate that I do. It's constant. I get so upset I wanna stop but then the next day comes and it starts all over again.

That's all the negative. The positive is that I am not where I used to be. I know that I have changed. I am not the same person although I do some of the same things I don't feel the way I used to about them. They used to be pleasing to me and now I can't stand doing them. The Lord brought me out of my old life and I am living in this new life...but I am missing out on so much. Because there is no balance and because I am ignorant to what I actually possess inside of me. So I decided to come back to where I began. Even though I don't know what tomorrow will bring I just know that I won't be like this forever. I truly believe that Jesus started something in my life and will finish it and I will completely surrender myself to Him. I don't know why I'm putting up such a fight. I know I sound really confused but the only sure thing I know is that I am His child, unperfect and a sinner, and He still loves me through it all. For that I am grateful. Took a year for me to understand that I am His child and always will be. And to be completely honest, I remind myself or Holy Spirit reminds me of this every day. I'm lost and have wandered off. I am the lost sheep. I just want to be found.

Hi rosegall Welcome back. Im glad the Lord led you back to the CCCC steps. And, dont worry about having to start over. You are really just like the rest of us, my sister in Him. Remember Paul talking about being such a wretched man....doing the things he knew he shouldnt and not doing the things he should? And then, all the guilt and condemnation the enemy of our souls whispers to us...the thing is, you have chosen to get back up and move forward. We all fall, sis. We just get back up, ask for forgiveness, and follow where He leads. His grace is sufficient for you...so, believe what He says. Believe in His saving Grace.

Its so easy to become complacent...Ive been there many times. And then, each day is a little harder to decide to get out of the rut we've placed ourselves in. The good news is though, He waits...patiently, for us to turn back to Him. His love for you hasnt changed and youve never been so far out of His reach that He couldnt speak to you. Sometimes all the clutter drowns out His voice, but, the Holy Spirit still resides in you...and prays for you..and sings over you. Take this one day at a time and soak in what He will show you within these steps. Keep going...even if you dont "feel" like it. Choose to push through.

God bless you, my sister in Jesus. Again, Im so glad He has led you back. He loves you so very very much...

In Jesus,
love momo

Oh, thank you so much for you encouraging words. God bless you. I really needed to hear that. You know it's so easy to feel alone and lost. I have lost the sense of connection from the world. I know it is a good thing because God does not want us to be conformed to the world. I do not regret that but in a way I miss the people I was once close to. It's hard, but I know God has a plan for me and I definitely will not give up. Even if it takes me to repeat over and over until I get it! . But I do appreciate your response and I plan to continue even though I do not "feel" like it.... You called that, I was feeling that way today but I said, before I go to sleep I am going to complete Step 2. Just taking it one day at a time. What can I lose? I hope you have a blessed day or night. Thank you ...

Today I didn't feel like coming on. I have been very tired from the medication and recovery process. But somehow I have found the strength to be here. I thank God for that. I will keep it short because I am really tired. I want to say I know my purpose. God's will for me. But I have to say now that I confuse the two. My purpose is to serve God...God's will for me is to share the Gospel. Unfortunately, I don't know where to start. But that is how I feel honestly. I think I know and then I question what I know. I am my own worse enemy, i tell ya! I am not like this every day or all the time. There are days when everything seems so clear to me. There are days I am completely lost and overwhelmed with emotions. I often wonder if I will ever come out of this and overcome the doubt and double mindedness. I believe I will. I have a habit of looking into things and picking them a part. Well, I have turned my attention onto my self for once and I am not liking what I see. I want to do something about it. So my purpose right now is to focus on what I CAN DO through Christ and not so much what I CANNOT DO. I'm a complainer and I complain about complaining.... I say, I hate complaining but .... then I realize that's a complaint too. . I just laugh to myself sometimes at some of the things I do. But the key thing here is I am now looking into myself. The true test is learning to understand me and why I do the things I do. My work is cut out for me.