Day One, Step one- I'm new.
Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2011 1:51 amSo I've been lost for quite some time. I am currently battling depression. I have been good hiding it the past year, but slowly people are beginning to peek through my fake facade. I am happy, smiley, bubbly on the outside, but only with the maximum effort to do so. On the inside, I am broken, fading, depressed and tortured. I feel I have wandered off the path God put me on the day I was born. I was fine, happy and excited about life till I made one single decision that brought me to where I am at today. The decision was living for myself. Asking and answering my own questions without considering the big F word, Faith. I have lost it through the past 5 years as if guided by the devil himself. I always stated I wanted to remain a virgin till marriage, but years ago, I answered the question of curiosity and did the deed. I hate it, still to this day I hate it. I really don't get what is so special about it. Not to go into too much graphic detail, but to first add, I shared that info because I am supposed to bring everything to light and that I am doing. I dated this same guy for a little less than two years. I loved him, but as a friend, not as my future forever soul mate. I ended it when I was pushed to edge, and who pushed me you ask? Well, of course, my self! I wanted nothing to do with him, but didn't know how to end a relationship. It went on too long and it is something I regret. He took it hard, I hurt him. I knew from the beginning he wasn't my future forever soul mate, but just someone to pass the time. He was my first and after him, I didn't want anything to do with sex again- so I didn't date for over a year and a half. I focused, once again, on myself, through myself and for myself. Slowly forgetting to praise the Lord, give thanks and ask for help from Him when needed. I was the sheep that was astray, but was okay with it. I was making my own path. Years later, I finally moved out of the house to a city hours away from my family. I partied and once again did the deed I promised myself I would never do again. I once again found myself in familiar territory- shame, guilt, and disgust for myself. You ask if I learned my lesson the second time? Nope, I found someone else to do the deed with, but this time in a relationship. He was different from the conservative family that I know and come from. His family is liberal, and when I say liberal, I mean strangely liberal. Sadly, he doesn't believe in Christ. I have been with a man for two years who doesn't believe in the same Lord that I love so much! I think about this all the time, but the strength to walk away gets harder with each passing day. I feel the longer I am with him, the bond between us strengthens while my bond with Christ weakens. I even view him as the devil in my brain. The devil that tempts me with the flesh, but yet I still hate sex, but do it because he wants to. Then an event that I relive every ten minutes of my day and night occurred- my father died suddenly of a stroke. The man that loved me more than any other human being on this planet, the man that taught me the lessons of Christ, died in front of me. What made it worse is that I blew a phonecall of his off the night before he died- it was our last conversation. A stupid argument about stupid concert tickets. Being the only child and my mother a person who can barely read or write, I had to take care of the financials, funeral planning, mortgage- stuff I had no clue about. The week before, my problem was as small as a baby carrot crying over possibly leaving her boyfriend to being left by my Dad. Christ took my Dad. While I hold no resentment to Christ for taking my Dad, I still beg him for one last conversation with him. I have horrible nightmares of him hating me and saying hurtful things to me, but I know its not my Dad, but it sure does hurt. After his death, my life has been an everyday avalanche of problems. I find myself saying to myself that the devil has found me and won't let go. I have had to deal with family feuds, my mother finding out I am not a virgin (yes, it devastated her that her only child isn't pure anymore), a car accident where I am probably going to be sued for something that is not my fault, my mother telling me she wished to die because the thought of life without my dad is too much, living three hours away from my mom, thinking every time I come home I will find her dead of either a stroke, heart attack or apparent suicide, starting graduate school, problems at work, getting kicked out of my place of living, dealing with friends who are mad I don't have time for them because of all information stated above. I have no one. I am by myself with no one to turn to. I must confess I have thought of what it would be like if I died. Jumped off my balcony and came to my final end. Because of my Faith in God, I won't, but I do think about it. I am at my wits end. I have been to therapy which provided very little help. Then I get two more swift kicks to the stomach from life- my best friend HATES me and will not talk to me because of something I did but have no clue what it is and sadly, but to my own fault, a possible incurable STD by my present, non-Christian, liberal boyfriend. Could my life suck anymore? Ask me next week. Each day seems to be an act of life spitting at me in the face. I hide my pain because I don't want others to know I am hurting. I actually hate showing negative emotion to people. But I find myself crying, crying and asking for my Daddy. I love him, need him and miss him. I just want one more conversation with him. I'm 26 and my life shouldn't suck this much. I found this site because I need help. I need God in my life again. I need to look at life with Him rather than when I need Him. I sure hope this helps me, so here goes nothing. Please, be kind. 
Pray about this. He will show you what to do.
Keep seeking Him. He is the right that leads to peace.