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Well, I have been fighting to try and save my marriage of almost 10 years. I have a beautiful wife and 2 lovely children. I failed them greatly. I lost my job due to self-centeredness, I was becoming overly medicated due to progressive mental issues. I started to become very paranoid and stalked my wife wondering what she was doing every minute of the day. I finally decided to stop all my medications and on the night she left with the children I had gotten angered to the point I threw my cell phone at the wall. Consequently, she filed for divorce the following day.

Now I had been less than the best husband and father for years and I would often choose not to go to family gatherings and sometimes vacations just out of lack of ambition and desire, I would rather stay home and stay depressed. I have been fighting the bad daily as I become agitated that I have no control over the situation myself and cannot get her to allow me to move back in. I have been hurting greatly due to the loneliness and missing the love and affection of her and our children. I have been focusing on God's word and I still fall and say or do things that put such a hamper on the situation. I truly need that miracle for my mind to be cleared and to be able to put forth the love and caring, rather than the bitterness and anger over the lack of control. My codependency issues are very great and deep. I have attended 2 Christian Counseling sessions with my wife and it seems as if she wants things to work. She states it will take time to be able to trust me again and she is not sure what she wants. One time she will say it can be repaired and the next minute she will say things like, "I'm in counseling to fulfill an obligation." The torment of her words is part of the reason I have troubles in believing it can be fixed. I know that I cannot doubt the Lord in all of this, I just have so many years of not seeking him that my mind has been so conditioned to me being in control as opposed to God.

I am struggling so much with my pain and anger that I feel I can not be near my family for fear I will say or do something so stupid it will secure the decision she has made. I failed yesterday and got angered by the fact that I was expected to pay for a dinner we all shared with one of my sisters for her birthday. I felt this way as I am still unemployed and the little money I do have I am spending on a property to fix it up to live in as I only have about 2 months time at my present home. I got angered and just decided to pay for the entire meal for everyone and said I don't need money. It hurt my wife that I got angered by this and my justification for it was, she has money and a job and she wanted to do something with my sister for her birthday so I thought she would be willing to pay for the meal. My assumption was just that, an assumption. I am hoping and praying that what happened can be understood by her as my frustration with this separation and potential divorce and my need of money to fix the property so I have a roof over my head in 2 months. I have cried out to God for forgiveness in my anger and also made sure to say I was sorry for my actions prior to going to sleep last evening.

I have asked for forgiveness from my wife many times for all of the problems of the past and any slip-ups I have now. It is just that when I slip-up, she sees it as I am the same old me and I cannot change. I have changed greatly in the fact that I no longer take multiple medications for mental issues and I have healing of some physical problems I used to have. I do show more concern for others than I used to by simple means such as calling to inform my loved ones where and when to expect me rather than just doing my own thing and showing up whenever or wherever I feel like it.

I have seen signs from God that he is working on the marriage and I get extremely scared when I slip-up and become angered and say stupid things. I think to myself, "Well, there ya go blowing the whole situation. Any progress you made you just destroyed by doing your own thing and being angered." I need help so badly, to change my mind and heart. I struggle and battle thoughts of despair and loneliness almost daily. I get to the point of crying for hours sometimes and I accomplish very little when I am in that state of mind. The snowball effect starts and I feel helpless.

So I go into today and hope and pray for forgiveness from my wife and pray I have not blown any progress we have made thus far.

SREEDY1971

Hello brother

First and fore most I would like to take the time welcoming you to Christianity Oasis , and , as the "name" aplies , it is in fact and oasis . What I mean by that is , an oasis is a place where we can "cool our heals" so to speak , from the scorching sun (heat ?) .. and the storms that be whirling around us before finding a "shelter" of some sort .

You are in just the right place , take this time as a kind of an oportunity to plce thing in order , an inventory of a sort , and try to tackle things one at a time , for it seems there are multiple issues going on right now and hence the "blow-offs"

Another thing that grabbed my attention , is the fact that you have stopped the (necssary) medication prescribed to you abrubtly ...The question I wouls ask is , is your physician aware of this ? ... for the withdrawall of which may have some adverse affects on emotions as well ..

Keep plugging my friend , Trust the Lord , and do the footwork ... you CANNOT fail .


In Christ , our Lord
vahn

Welcome Home !!!

Here you will find friends who will understand and encourage you and I believe you can find healing

When I read your post, i thought how similar your story sounded to my own in a lot of ways...I can't tell you what to do, but i will share what happened with me...maybe that will help

after 19 years of marriage i found myself in a similar position...my wife wanted a divorce because she met another man. I had been sober 2 years to that point and I could not believe what was happening. i also had 2 children...a son 17 and a daughter 14. i also begged God to change her mind and frantically tried to figure out what to do to fix the situation. I was willing to anything to make things right again except the one thing that was most needed...To let God handle it after I gave Him the problem. I only saw one way for it to be solved....my way, right away. When that didn't happen and the divorce went through I was angry at God also and chose my way to get rid of the pain...by returning to the bottle(even though I was on medication) and hooking up with other women, and trying to maintain a lifestyle I could not afford since I was left with the children. that combination worked so well i ended up bankrupt and nearly insane from the combination of booze and medicine. Now i was really angry with God since He didn't make that work either. Two more years of this left me nearly at the point of suicide one night and by His Grace and Mercy i chose rehab...it has been a long road back from a dark place.

Been 7 years now and a lot of pain for all involved...a lot of pain that maybe could have been avoided if i had been willing to leave the problem in His hands. thats a very easy thing to say to someone or to tell myself now. When your going through all the fire its very hard to remember or do.

Even to this day there are times I say to myself...what if I had done this or that??? Don't take that road...

i can't tell you what you should do, just don't do what I did.... but I do want you to know we will pray for you and offer you encouragement and love.

Stay close to God and visit us as often as you like

God loves you and He is wanting you to trust Him and leave it in His hands

your friend,
John