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June 1 would have been the 26th anniversary of a marriage that ended 7 years ago. In the aftermath, I trainwrecked my life by turning away from God in anger and i have been trying to pick up the pieces ever since. When i say train wreck I mean train wreck. I started drinking. Tried relationships that failed. Spent 4 years raising the children I loved so much and failed so badly. Continued drinking my way into bankruptcy and alcoholism that lead to 6 weeks in rehab and nearly a year in a halfway house. All the time calling on God for help, and then refusing it. I tried various churches. Read all kinds of books. Sought the advice of the spiritual. Anything that i thought could relieve the pain. I thought I was on the right path and left the halfway house with virtually no possessions except a beat up old car and some clothes and moved back home to help take care of my mother. That was almost 2 years ago, and here I am dead stopped in my tracks, hurting just as bad as before and realizing I haven't healed and I believe still angry at God. It is a hard and lonely road that I am trying to leave and get back on the narrow path. And I want it to be God's way and the right way. I'm tired of saying I'm doing good when I really am still dead inside.

thank you all for the welcome you have given me and I am looking forward to being a real friend to all of you.

John,
Thank you for being so transparent. I find it quite refreshing for someone to be brave enough to pull away the mask and say, "this is how it is."

I've never been on your particular journey but rather a different one of my own. But the results were the same. Estranged from God. Pushing away his helping hand. Stewing in my own juices. Off on some God forsaken rabbit trail. As you probably can attest, it's a most miserable place to be. It hit me that I was railing against the only One who could pull me out of this mire. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you! As I look back, I can see how He moved on my behalf time and time again. As I read the scriptures, I see His true nature and that He can, indeed, bring beauty from ashes.

Lord Jesus, I pray that You'll blow Your breath of life into John's spirit. The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy, but You've come to give us abundant life. I pray that John would experience all that You have for him . . . Your plans for his life because You say Your plans are good ones, not evil, to give him a future and a hope. Lord, I pray that the plans You've had for John, even before he was placed in his mother's womb, would be brought to fruition. I pray that there would be restoration in all the relationships that were damaged over the years. Lord, I know You're able and willing. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Blessings! Bugsy

First I'm sorry I missed your welcoming but let me say to you now WELCOME HOME, this is an AWESOME place!!
Wow 26 years, as for what happened after the end of your marriage that was satan getting his claws into you and it sounds like you are realizing just that, but you are looking for religion instead of a REALationship, I had and still have some issues in this but one of the biggest eye openers for me was a friend asking me what I thought God wanted from me more than anything else, before my answer he said what do you want from your children more than anything else.....hmmmm that just changed my thinking some and he told me don't even answer him just think and realize that's exactly what God wants from us!
I thought and realized more than anything I wanted my kid's love and to understand what I do is for the best for them nothing else, and that I loved them more than life itself hmmmm sound simular to anyone you know and here is the real kicker....I demanded honesty from them......hmmmm have I been honest with God, have I trusted that God knows best, do I remember: for God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son (hmmm more than life itself)
WOW!!!! was I ever thinking about things wrong, first He "DAD" loves us unconditionaly, second He "DAD" knows whats best, and last He "DAD" just wants us to be honest with Him, so with all that in mind the next time you speak with DAD... wondering why I keep calling Him DAD....that's what He is...make it personal, so as I was saying talk to Him with all this in mind tell Him what your feeling and ask that He leads you to a better understanding of what He wants of you and to give you the strength to become the man He put you here to be.
I destroyed 14 years of marriage and almost followed the same path as you (the night I left I was driving to my old stomping grounds), I was going to drown my sorrows in drunkeness even though I gave drinking up a few years before,
NOW here's the awesome part as I drove I past my church "something" was drawing me to pull in....I spent the next 3-4 days in my van in that parking lot in the dead of january winter average in the 30's weather....I had places to go and stay but "something" kept me right there, so you see I have NO doubt it was Dad knowing where I was headed and knew I needed to "heal" before I went and done the stupidest thing ever, it has been about a year and 5 months since we seperated but most importantly because I listened to Dad when He spoke....it's still counting to the 7-8 years sober and after leaving the church I have had no more thoughts of alcohol, a simple twist of my wrist as I had that feeling possibly saved my life, Now please understand I have "other" demons that I am still fighting so one day I WILL be what Dad created me to be...one day I WILL make Him proud!!
You CAN DO THIS!!! just be honest with Him, I believe the same is true with you AND me, satan is sitting there laughing saying look at them I got them right where I want them, and Dad is sitting up there with His arms open wide with tears in His eyes saying come to Dad I will love you and take care of you BUT we are to bullheaded to listen and trying to do things our way.
I hope someday soon we BOTH can spit right in satan's eye and laugh as he has been doing to us, and we BOTH will become what Dad created us to be......with much love and respect
your brother in Christ
Cuc (Christnundrconstruxn)

humblevisitor brother who is not a visitor. Make yourself at home here, cause you are home.

I'm sorry you're hurting. I can understand the heart ache. The rejection and loneliness and feelings of failure. Ouch!

You have an enemy of your soul that will want to convince you that you are all those things. When the truth is you are chosen, loved, child of the most awesome Father and God. Not only that His thoughts of you are many. Don't listen to the whispers and grab a hold tight of the truth of how God sees you which is revealed through the bible and through His spirit.

These things you've been through are your testimony of His greatness. When others who are now where you were hear of your testimony it will give them strength to carry on. Make the one choice now that will give God glory. Keep the faith. And rest in His abundant grace. He wishes to prosper you. The things of this world will soon pass away. Focus forward onto eternal things.

God bless and keep you.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and truth. As I read them i had tears in my eyes and am starting to see i have believe the lies and not the Truth. Sadly one of the things is i believe alot like CuC ...I do love my children that way and I know God loves me that way...I just believed the lie that he didn't..

Thank you all again and i will see you soon.

John

God loves ya brother!!
and so do we!!

I believe you are on your way to healing. The 14 steps are great and it really does help you get closer to christ. I will be praying for you!!