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I am a born-again Christian, saved by the blood of Christ. He has been there for me through all of it . . failed marriages, kids, smoking, depression. The last stronghold resists though, and I can't get a breakthrough in this one area. The answer feels like it's right there, in front of me, but I can't see it. I'm 40, working, learning, living in the Word, but I eat as an emotional crutch. I binge eat, then I feel horrible about myself. Thoughts run through my mind "You're a fat failure" "You are never going to get over this" "Life sucks and eating is the only enjoyment I ever get" I don't ENJOY eating like this, I don't honestly believe that I hate myself, that I'm a failure, or that my life sucks. Actually, in the past couple years, my life has really improved. My kids are young, but they're smart and happy. I see all of the negative thoughts in my head, the depression that stems from the overeating, and the guilt that comes from this mess - for what it is. The work of Satan. I know the Lord hears my prayers, he's helped me with so many other problems! Why not this one?

I've tried to stop eating this way, but it only lasts a day or two. I've tried exercising more to counter the calorie intake. I've tried throwing up after the episodes of overeating, but the side effects and guilt are too much. I stopped throwing up, but I still have the urge to make myself throw up after I eat. I fight it, but sometimes I think that I should throw up instead of steadily gain weight. What's worse? Feeling guilt for overeating, or guilt for throwing up afterwards and at least, ridding my body of the extra food/calories? I can't stop by myself and praying isn't working this time. I feel in my spirit that God says "Trust me" but I'm nearly 30 pounds overweight now and steadily gaining. Two years ago, I was a size 6 and today, I can barely fit in a 12. That's double. I know in my spirt that God loves me and doesn't care how much weight I gained and that no problem is too big for him. I know this, but I have to look at myself every day. Trust? I don't trust myself. I have proven over and over again that I can't do this alone. But I still have hope.

Oh sis I feel your anxiety.

There is a program here with others who struggle with the same thing and have been over coming and even loosing weight.

I just want you to know that God loves you just as you are and He sees the beautiful person He created.

I want to suggest you work on one thing at a time. Sounds like there is an underling reason causing the eating disorder. Probably same underling problem behind the addictions. May the real issue be revealed and may you be at peace as He works with in you to help you overcome.

I'm glad you shared. And i'm glad you are here. God bless your precious heart.

There is hope for you. You are in the right place.

When I got up this morning, I thought that I would log on, leave an entry in this journal, and log off. I'm still leaving an entry, but I can't believe that someone actually read my entry, saw something inside of me and answered me back!! It's difficult to put yourself "out there" but God is so good, he put someone on the other side to make me feel safe about it. Thank you. I am literally in tears.

Anxiety has always been an issue for me, since I was a young child. I've used a prescription for xanax, but I hate the way it feels, so now I am prescribed paxil and I break the pills in half. Again, I hate to be medicated but I also hate to panic every 15 minutes. God loves me and He is working.

welcome to oasis, sis! so glad to have you here.
i believe you will find that the Lord is in this place! He works through His people here and His Love shines through

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debg71 wrote:Thoughts run through my mind "You're a fat failure" "You are never going to get over this" "Life sucks and eating is the only enjoyment I ever get"

thats 100% lies from the liar himself. he's beating you up. i have heard all those lies, and listened to them myself. i understand.

debg71 wrote:I've tried to stop eating this way, but it only lasts a day or two. I've tried exercising more to counter the calorie intake. I've tried throwing up after the episodes of overeating, but the side effects and guilt are too much. I stopped throwing up, but I still have the urge to make myself throw up after I eat.

i hafta tell ya, been there. i so know what you mean. but the more i tried to control it, the more IT controlled ME.

debg71 wrote:What's worse? Feeling guilt for overeating, or guilt for throwing up afterwards and at least, ridding my body of the extra food/calories?

guilt blame shame=all tricks that creepy uses to keep you tangles in his web of lies, sis.

debg71 wrote:I feel in my spirit that God says "Trust me"

and as hard as it is sometimes, that IS the answer! trusting Him with this sounds like the hardest thing ever, but it was the only thing that worked for me - IS working - and i was trapped in this disease 30 years. until i really "let go and let GOD" nothing worked and nothing else ever would've worked. i was close to death.

debg71 wrote:I'm nearly 30 pounds overweight now and steadily gaining. Two years ago, I was a size 6 and today, I can barely fit in a 12. That's double. I know in my spirt that God loves me and doesn't care how much weight I gained and that no problem is too big for him. I know this, but I have to look at myself every day.

at my heaviest i was 100+ pounds overweight. at my sickest - i fought anorexia and bulimia for 30 years - i weighed 120-125 and i'm 5'9 with a large frame. i worked out hours every day, 7 days a week. i know how hard it is to see yourself in the mirror and compare yourself to that vision in your head of the perfect you. but instead you hafta look in the mirror and see what God sees. i encourage you to look in your mirror every day and tell yourself you are beautiful and loveable to God. if He loves you nothing else really matters. and i know He loves you. this worked for me. we look at ourselves thru worldly eyes, comparing ourselves to the image of perfection the enemy provides to us through the media. God looks down from heaven and He sees us as though we are holding a picture of Jesus over our heads. He sees our Savior in us. He sees our heart.

debg71 wrote:I have proven over and over again that I can't do this alone.

i understand. but every time you 'succeed' you damage your metabolism more. you are damaging your body by throwing up. you can die from it. What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost [which is] in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? 1 Corinthians 6:19. it grieves Him to see you like this. lift your head, sis...Jesus IS hope

Deb, first of all - I don't think you are fat. A size 12 isn't fat unless you are very, very short. You are 40. A size 6 could just be an unrealistic goal

I keep recommending Battlefield of the Mind, by Joyce Meyer - but it really speaks to this.

1. Don't say, "I can't" - put that in the past -"I haven't been able to..." and even in the past tense, don't say it often. Same with, "Steadily gaining weight" Change to "I had been having an increase of weight." What you say defines what you are.

2. Those bad thoughts aren't yours - they are the devil's. Don't keep them. Praise God. Sing hymns. "Thank you Jesus." "Jesus is Lord" every time you have one of those thoughts.

3. Why do you eat? And why do you choose what you choose?

I had a really rough year in 2010. And I started getting a birthday cake and eating all the outside pieces. I would take Alli, so I didn't gain weight - I spent a day on the toilet instead.

Why did I do it? In my family, we had great parties and gatherings. People didn't fight. They hugged and laughed. I was lonely. And the sugar, fat and eggwhites made me physically feel better also. And it made me think of family gatherings.

So, when things got bad, I ate birthday cake. One day, I had eaten half of the outside pieces and then I put the plastic lid on it and threw it away. Some grandkids dropped by and I fished it out of the trash and served it to them. .

One saw me and told the rest - but they ate it. . The plastic lid fit very well on it.

4. Don't set yourself up to fail. You can do this two ways. One is by having the stuff in the house so that it is easy to fail. Don't have it in the house.

The second is by being so mean and strict on yourself that you are destined to fail. Your idea of eating right might be 1200 calories or less of stuff you don't even really like. Don't do that to yourself. Be reasonable.

I have lost 17 lbs in the last 4 years. My first goal was to quit gaining weight. And that is still my primary goal.

I don't know if any of my tips will work for you.

1. I weighed every day. I lost 12 lbs over 2 years doing that. It taught me what was an appropriate amount of food. If I had a lot of salt, my weight would go up and then would go back down in a couple of days. If it didnt go down in a couple of days - I was lying to myself.

I found that eating more fruits and dairy and fresh veggies is a big deal for my weight. Liquid calories are very bad. Juices and milks - not good. Dairy is better as cheese or yogurts. You feel like you have eaten. Eating 4-5 times a day is better than fewer times. Smaller portions are much easier that way. You can eat half as much or less and feel good.

2. Then after 2 years I started gaining again. And I got Alli. I'm not recommending it. But it is what I did. I don't take it all the time. I do take it when I have gone out to eat or had a big dessert. It makes a lot of people sick. This was when things were bad - the birthday cake era.

3. I increased my exercise. We ballroom dance. I keep changing my exercising to stay interested. I work out every day for 30 minutes or more. Well, almost every day.

4. Lately I got on Nutrisystem - not to do their diet - my goal is to maintain a good weight and gradually lose. But I want a good weight forever. I frequently am starving and don't want to wait to get home and cook. Or I didn't take anything in to work. The nutrisystem goes anywhere and is quick. So, I use it to replace fast food. Maybe I have two 250 calorie nutrisystems instead of 1200 calories of fast food. You can also get various things at the store - takes a little more work and would be less expensive. Have good stuff available so you don't grab the burger. Get stuff that doesn't have to be refrigerated and put it where you need it to be to not get fast food. I have it at my office, in my car, in my dance shoe bag.

But get fast food when you really want it - maybe once a month instead of every other day - depending on you.

But, Deb, I am still fatter than you after 3.5 years of gradually losing weight. Or maybe about the same size. My size 16's are history and my size 14's are hanging on me.

Please read Joyce's book and ask God for help. And keep today in today. Forgive yourself for every past day. Ask God to forgive you and then forgive yourself. And when you feel like you have strayed - ask for forgiveness, forgive yourself and let it go. Replace bad thoughts.

You can, you can, you can.

God bless.

debg71 wrote:I can't believe that someone actually read my entry, saw something inside of me and answered me back!! It's difficult to put yourself "out there" but God is so good, he put someone on the other side to make me feel safe about it.

I know we tend to think our stuff is so ugly that if anyone knew they would surely not want to know me. But I see something different. Even when your stuff is out there where it's readable. I see Gods child who He dearly loves living in a very hard world. Just keep taking it day by day sis. Your impurities is where He can show His strength.

Smile He loves you and so do I.

Keep posting. Keep sharing.

Social anxiety has kept me from being in relationships with other people. I have my parents, but effort and grace has to be a constant part of our daily lives. Of course, I have my two beautiful children, and they are the only people who can touch me physically without my cringing. I have found here, on Christian Oasis, people who are like me. Regular, hurting people who struggle in this imperfect world, to grow closer to a perfect Savior. I am day three in my 14 day step program and feel as though I have opened a new chapter in my life. Never have I found this kind of support, not even in church. The wealth of love and information is like finding a treasure. Every night, I searched on the internet for some connection with a group or person who loved God, needing human kindness without the anxiety that I usually feel. I am peaceful here with all of you, and for me to be at peace with people . . well that a big thing.

God has shown me two seeds planted in my life that needed to come out. I was weeding my garden and there they were, ugly and horrible. I was molested at a very young age by an elderly neighbor man who suffered from a mental disease, most likely dimentia or alzheimers. The physical damage wasn't great, but the mental and emotional damage have been chains around my life. My mother didn't address it, I never told anyone, and consequently I never healed. As I was reading the replies to my last post (thank you all, wonderful friends in Christ) the Lord brought back that memory. It was tucked away so deeply, how could it be causing so much pain?? But there it is. Secondly, I recalled a beach trip with my favorite cousin. I have always struggled with weight issues, and she was miserably thin. We looked a pair! As we were walking along, an elderly man laughed out lout at us and said "Looks like you knocked that one away from the trough!" He lauged on as we walked away. Until this very second, I've never wondered if it did as much damage to my little couson, as it did to me? She may have suffered a blow as well. The fact that I've thought of her pain, not just my own, isn't that progress? Thank you Lord.
Along with tiny seeds, the bad kind, planted along the way to douse my confidence and self-respect, the weeds have grown into the hurting human I am today. Thank you Lord, for showing me where the evil came into my life. I will sit down, be still, and let your Grace and Love repair the damage. I will do my best, but you will have to do the rest. I look forward to step 4. God bless you all today.

Many struggle with social anxiety. People we would of never thought struggled with anything because they are so beautifully graceful.

I was told of a woman in my church who struggled with so much social anxiety she couldn't come out of her house for a time. I was so surprised because she seems to have everything going on. She's beautiful, dainty, smart, graceful with words and actions. When my struggles started coming out people said to me they had no idea I was struggling, they thought I had everything going on for me. I was shocked...me!!!! I began to watch this young woman and I found with nearly everything she said she would pull back and cringe. I never noticed this before. I could see her pushing through to continue on but could see the tension with in her. I though if only she knew what she said was so...um...what's the word? Normal? No one thought a thing of negative toward her. But yet she was so insecure in saying the wrong thing she judged each and every word so harshly. I find myself falling into that same trap.

My anxiety has been so great lately and just increasing. I did mess up in public. I said something that was taken the wrong way and oh my did it make a huge mess. All I could say is, I've been so stressed out I didn't realize how what I said was coming across. I'd wake up in the middle of the night with a panic thinking I can't believe I said that!!!! This went on for days! If I hadn't of went to the Lord and wrapped up in Him I was going to have a panic attack. The study here called Spirit of Truth helped me understand how to get closer to Him so the stress and anxiety would melt away. Consider doing that study next. I think it will bless you because it did me.

I pray you can rest your anxieties in Him and find that peace that He brings.

I also say insanely inappropriate things in public. I'm teaching myself to "think it through" and that sometimes helps. I will stop, give it a thought, and usually not say anything at all. I can't read people. They say, "you look so nice today!" I immediately delete that and wonder, why didn't I look nice yesterday? what can I do to make sure that I don't look horrible tomorrow? All the while, they're talking to me and I haven't heard one more thing they've said, save the first line of conversation. I don't even say "Thank you" and now they think I'm rude. I hasn't happened in a couple of weeks. When people speak to me in a suggestive manner (for example: "I haven't had a cola in years." and I'm on my way to the drink machine) I don't "get" it. I am of above average intelligence, but it makes me appear ignorant. Why can't they just say "Hey, can you get me a coke while you're at the machine?" Wouldn't that be easier than a suggestion that I have to decipher? My brain is busy wondering if my kids are ok, if I'm doing an ok job at work, if my grades are good, if I will have a carreer that I enjoy, if my brothers chest wound will heal this time!!!! I like direct. I've been listening to Joyce Meyer for years. She tells you what you need to know to get through real life. Her gift of teaching is the reason that I've been able to make some sense of things. However, until today, I never realized why I love birthday cake so much.

I think that one of the most liberating things in the world is to realize that our issues and weaknesses are widespread. I also prefer direct. I cannot tell you how much that helps with men like my husband.

I never say, "You should know!" Because I so frequently have been oblivious in the past.

When I do realize things like the coke, two beats too late, I fess up. I have had confessions turn into hug fests. People bottling up their secret weaknesses and then discovering that others have them too.

It didn't occur to me that other people would have the same birthday cake thing. See, that having things in common is just all over the place.

And, mmmmm, did you know that people find perfect people to be obnoxious and annoying? It's a natural tendency that us Christians have to fight. But, people that are pretty good, but nowhere near perfect are a lot easier to love. I'm laughing, but it is true.

It's hard not to make this about food. My first impulse is to write down everthing I ate yesterday. It's like a tickertape in my head.

Ok. Step 4. I had already begun forgiving myself, allowing the guilt to rest at the cross where it belongs. I can truly forgive the people who have offended me in my life. Where God only sees sin, we see levels of sin. My cousin can offend me and it's easy to forgive. My mother offends me and I think "What in the world!?". I live for Christ and my children. They are gifts from him, which is exactly why I'm pondering step 4. My daughter was molested at age 2 1/2 by someone I was dating. So I don't date. I can forgive him and pray for him, but I can't let my children go into public bathrooms without me, they don't go on playdates in other people's homes, and they've never been in daycare. I can't trust other people with my kids, surely because of what happened. I trust God, but not people.

My best friend is bipolar. My children and I would often go over to her home on the weekends and visit with her family. She would usually be happy, but other times, she would be at rock bottom. There was no "normal" or middle emotional ground for her. She shares my hatred of medication, so when she levels out and feels better, she goes off her meds. This causes her to spiral into a dark depression that inevitably dragged me down with her. In a terrible pinch, I needed someone to watch my little girl. She was 3 1/2 at the time, and she trusted my best friend. While the girls were playing, some situation came up (I was in court and don't know exactly what happened) but my best friend started blowing up my phone to "Come get my child NOW!". I could not leave court and by the time I got there, only an hour and 45 min later, my child was in tears and my best friend was heavily medicated. She had told my daughter that she never wanted her to come back to her home again.

Here's the catch. I don't even think my friend remembers this event. She texts me and calls me occaisonally, and we see each other at funerals, weddings, etc. (her husband is in my family) but we will - no - can -NOT ever share the same relationship we had because of the way she treated my daughter. I can forgive her for her actions because they were based on an illness she can't control. However, isn't it my duty to my children and to my Father, (within my power) never to let anything emotionally or physically damage my children? Things will happen, I'm sure, events along their paths that will hurt them, but these are up to the Lord. I can't control everything, but keeping them away from people who can hurt them . . I have to find a balance there. I'm not good at balance yet. And I miss my friend.
I may have cut myself off from society, and I may be counting every drop of food that enters (yes and exits) my body, but I am a good mother. God gave me the Grace to do this one thing right. They are happy, confident, well adjusted children. Plus, my little girl was too young to remember the man who molested her, or the event taking place. God's grace covers. Thank you Jesus. I will forgive and I will forget. Lord, help me find a balance in protecting and letting go.

Hello again sister!

Have you taken a look at the forum here where others post their eating habits?

viewforum.php?f=162

viewtopic.php?f=162&t=23001

I think you will find some who struggle just as you do there.

Glad to see the steps are helping you work through some stuff.