Trofywyf's Journal
Posted: Wed Mar 09, 2011 9:48 pmOk where to even start? I have been married for almost 6 years. My husband and I have gone through a lot of ups and downs especially since, well in complete honesty since the day we got together. We have a 4 year old son and I am currently 4 or 5 months pregnant. (that depends on if you count pregnancy as 9 or 10 months which I find confusing and wish everyone would just agree on) Anyway I'm due in August. My husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage. They are 22 and 25. He also has a 3 month old. The whole story is crazy. He is 18 years older than me (hence the kids that are almost my age) and for a little over a year I had left him (hence the 3 month old).
I came here because next week I find out if the baby is a boy or a girl. I know if I have a girl I will have some severe mental issues and thinking along that line made me decide if it's a girl I need counseling. Then it occurred to me that in all probability I just need counseling. I already have an entire mess of issues.
1) My parents split up before I was 2. That part isn't a big deal. I could not imagine my parents living together. That would be insane because they are polar opposites but it does bear into my real problems. My mother's boyfriend molested his daughter and me when I was 4. When my Dad found out the boyfriend was on heroin he took sole custody of my brother and me, soon after that my Mom completely bailed and I didn't see her again until I was 13. No one ever knew about the molestation.
2) For years I have carried a lot of guilt about not telling anyone what happened. Not so much for me, after all my Dad got me out of the situation, but for the boyfriend's daughter. I am trying to work through that. I have always known the molestation itself was not my fault but leaving her always felt like it was. I think in some way all victims feel guilt and that was my way of justifying feeling guilty for it. Does that even make sense?
3) For a long time I completely blocked it out. Just refused to think about it at all. Now sometimes I get angry about it. My Mom was molested when she was a child. Why didn't she recognize any signs in me or the other girl? Why, even not knowing, when faced with a choice between her boyfriend or her children she chose to stay with her boyfriend? My Dad has been a cop my entire life, why didn't he see anything wrong? And of course I blamed God. A lot more later on, but enough.
4) At 13 I 'met' my Mom and my brother and I moved in with her. She is a story unto herself. She lies, steals, has accused me of sleeping with any guy she has been with for as long as I have known her. And yes that includes when I was 13. She has tried to sleep with just about any guy I have been with. And yes that includes when I was 14. I also 'met' aunts, uncles, cousins, and a brother that I never knew I had.
5) At 16 (big surprise) I got pregnant. When I got to around 24 weeks (I wasn't allowed to go to a dr) I was gang raped by 4 of my Mom's friends. I don't remember any of that. I remember answering the door when they came over ( I was home alone) and the next thing is waking up in the hospital. I had a girl. They took her early because of the trauma. I have scars all over my body that I don't remember getting. She died with in a month.
6) by 18 I walked away from my parents. I thought I was doing well but I was into cocaine and got into a lot of fights. One day a friend of mine died in my drug deal. I had asked her to go because I was hooking up with a guy and she was to meet me later. She was shot in my place. I quit drugs and walked away from everyone I knew then.
7) 19 I got married to a drunk. We limped along for about 4 years and then I met my current husband.
So those are the past issues that I think will cause me problems with raising a daughter. I know I have a lot more current problems, but I think all of them still stem from the original ones. I am still an angry person. I don't get into any physical confrontations anymore but that's not the only way to be angry. I still get so depressed sometimes that it's hard to get up. I asked God into my life about a year ago and have made some huge strides in getting control since then. But I still don't sleep at night unless my husband is home. I still have an overwhelming paranoia about my son and child to be. I don't want to inflict my past on my children.
I came here because next week I find out if the baby is a boy or a girl. I know if I have a girl I will have some severe mental issues and thinking along that line made me decide if it's a girl I need counseling. Then it occurred to me that in all probability I just need counseling. I already have an entire mess of issues.
1) My parents split up before I was 2. That part isn't a big deal. I could not imagine my parents living together. That would be insane because they are polar opposites but it does bear into my real problems. My mother's boyfriend molested his daughter and me when I was 4. When my Dad found out the boyfriend was on heroin he took sole custody of my brother and me, soon after that my Mom completely bailed and I didn't see her again until I was 13. No one ever knew about the molestation.
2) For years I have carried a lot of guilt about not telling anyone what happened. Not so much for me, after all my Dad got me out of the situation, but for the boyfriend's daughter. I am trying to work through that. I have always known the molestation itself was not my fault but leaving her always felt like it was. I think in some way all victims feel guilt and that was my way of justifying feeling guilty for it. Does that even make sense?
3) For a long time I completely blocked it out. Just refused to think about it at all. Now sometimes I get angry about it. My Mom was molested when she was a child. Why didn't she recognize any signs in me or the other girl? Why, even not knowing, when faced with a choice between her boyfriend or her children she chose to stay with her boyfriend? My Dad has been a cop my entire life, why didn't he see anything wrong? And of course I blamed God. A lot more later on, but enough.
4) At 13 I 'met' my Mom and my brother and I moved in with her. She is a story unto herself. She lies, steals, has accused me of sleeping with any guy she has been with for as long as I have known her. And yes that includes when I was 13. She has tried to sleep with just about any guy I have been with. And yes that includes when I was 14. I also 'met' aunts, uncles, cousins, and a brother that I never knew I had.
5) At 16 (big surprise) I got pregnant. When I got to around 24 weeks (I wasn't allowed to go to a dr) I was gang raped by 4 of my Mom's friends. I don't remember any of that. I remember answering the door when they came over ( I was home alone) and the next thing is waking up in the hospital. I had a girl. They took her early because of the trauma. I have scars all over my body that I don't remember getting. She died with in a month.
6) by 18 I walked away from my parents. I thought I was doing well but I was into cocaine and got into a lot of fights. One day a friend of mine died in my drug deal. I had asked her to go because I was hooking up with a guy and she was to meet me later. She was shot in my place. I quit drugs and walked away from everyone I knew then.
7) 19 I got married to a drunk. We limped along for about 4 years and then I met my current husband.
So those are the past issues that I think will cause me problems with raising a daughter. I know I have a lot more current problems, but I think all of them still stem from the original ones. I am still an angry person. I don't get into any physical confrontations anymore but that's not the only way to be angry. I still get so depressed sometimes that it's hard to get up. I asked God into my life about a year ago and have made some huge strides in getting control since then. But I still don't sleep at night unless my husband is home. I still have an overwhelming paranoia about my son and child to be. I don't want to inflict my past on my children.
Made me smile. Especially the list of things you do that make your husband happy, that he wrote.
