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Whew.....even speaking of the word forgiveness puts knots in my stomach. I have been holding grudges my ENTIRE life. I right now and thinking of several friends I've walked away from along my life because they did something I felt was so profound that we couldn't be friends any longer. Don't even get me started about family....Jerry Springer would even shake his head at some of the things my family has done to each other. I can tell you a list right now of everything....and that is the problem. The weeds in my head say to me, "Why would you forgive a brother who has molested you? Why would you forgive your father for abandoning you, then judging you when mistakes were made in life? Why would you forgive your mother for kicking you out of your home in the 7th grade because her boyfriend didn't appreciate you stating truths? Why would you forgive a husband who has verbally beaten you down to a stump and bullied you with religious lies??????

BECAUSE WHEN I FOUND MY LORD AND SAVIOR AND REALIZED WHAT LOVE WAS, WHAT GRACE IS, WHAT LIFE COULD BE LIKE, I WANTED FORGIVENESS FOR MY WRONGS....not half forgiveness or forgiveness with stipulations....full pardon, never mentioned again forgiveness.

Sounds easy right??? WRONG!! When I read stone 4 last night on day 4, God was telling me to wait until today to journal. I wasn't sure why, but I assumed it was to think about all the people I needed to forgive more....wrong again....

Right now my children are napping, but when they wake, I will be throwing my son's 5th bday party. My brother, the one who molested me, was invited, and I hardly think he'll show up. Now the lesson was 2-fold here. I was reluctant to hand out an invitation, but did. Then when I found out he wasn't coming, I was real quick to be all, "Who does he think he is??? He is lucky he got an invitation and now he may not come see his nephew!!!! He better not try to speak to me anytime soon!"

Really?? I mean how much taller could the weeds be??? I thought I had forgiven my brother for molesting and physically abusing me, but the first chance I get, it comes right up front and center in my mind about everything he ever did. I haven't truly forgiven him, or it wouldn't come up again in my mind at all. He is no threat to me any longer, why do I dwell on it?? Because I haven't forgiven thats why.

I keep my mother at arms length, same with my father, almost as my way of "controlling the hurt" by not forgiving them fully.

What am I worried about, God has me, he has my heart now and soul... if they do hurt me again, it is nothing He can't heal so why am I not forgiving them then????????????

I need to, I want to, and I will. Because as the bible says, God gives you the same forgiveness you've given when it comes your time. Although some things will take extra effort to forgive people for, it has to be done. It is actually killing me inside not to have forgiven. It is effecting my parenting, my relationships, my emotional state.

I want my children to know that my heart of full of the Lord, and I can't be that if I am carrying around a notebook of wrongs that people have done to me now can I?????

Father, please forgive me for not forgiving others the way I should. I ask that you fill my heart and give me the strength, the love, and the ability to forgive all those who have wronged me, and that I ERASE IT FROM MY MIND AS SOON AS I HAVE, AND THAT I THROW AWAY MY WHO HAS WRONGED AIMEE NOTEBOOK. I ask that you be with the people I have wronged in life, and that they may forgive me also. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Amis It's not easy but it is the way to peace.

I kept that same notebook of others mistakes. Feels good to not have to carry that burden.

You can do this through Him who gives you strength. Praying for you. Especially praying for you during this party. Remember who you are in Christ and if something is said that your spirit wants to take offense over immediately turn to Christ with it and compare it with what He says. He says He loves you and created you and finds joy in you, just as you are. Ask His to forgive them and to help you forgive them. Sounds like you've got this figured out.

God bless and keep you.

Why aren't you forgiving them you ask? Well it's because you think you have a right to be angry and you think you have a right to treat them badly as they did you...but truly you don't have that right...forgiving them does not mean what they did was right or that they can do it again...forgiving them releases you from carrying around the burden. Your shoulders look awfully heavy with all that weight you are carrying around...how about letting Jesus ease that burden from you so you can stand up straight?

I want to share a suggestion with you...it worked for me...make a list of all the people you haven't forgiven...and also put out beside it why you need to forgive them...I mean down to Joe borrowed the pan I bake cookies in and never brought it back kind of stuff....from the little to the big...get it all out...and then lay all those burdens at the feet of Jesus and leave them there...and when you catch someone else wronging you...or even the same person...write it down on the list and lay it at the cross again...do it til you get it...does that make sense?

luv ya

Thing I found was that if you can ask God to bless them when you forgive, then you know you really forgive.