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OHHH.... where do I even begin? Day one told you to write about what is bothering you, but I don't know if there is enough room to say it all. I guess I will start from the beginning. My "upbringing" if you can call it was less then admirable. My parents never really knew what to do with a little girl and to top it off I was told I was super stubborn and independent. I was molested by my brother starting a very young age. When I finally got old enough to fight back, and stop the molestation, the beating began. I am almost 30, so back in the day, my parents would leave me and my younger brother alone with my older brother to watch us. It would start over something simple, I didn't want to make him lunch or I didn't want him to touch me and it would start. He would threaten the "kill" me, really that just meant beat me to a pulp. I would actually antagonize him a little bit, not in a come kick my butt way, but in a that was the only bit of control I had way. Inevitably he would start to try and beat me up. I would run and lock myself in my father's bathroom, it was the only door in the whole house that the lock still worked. I was faster then him believe it or not and that would be the only way I got in there. To show me he was "tougher" then me he would push my dads large armoire chest of drawers in front of the bathroom door so I couldn't get out. He would let me out shortly before my mom got home and threaten if I ever told he would "kill" me. That type of abusive control went on for most my life. My father was never home, he worked a lot and when he wasn't working he was out cheating on my mom with every woman imaginable. My mom, in her own way of dealing with her life lived in a peaceful state of denial, so much so that if you ask her about events that happened in our lives she will say it never happened. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have gone through that type of abuse and then have someone tell you it didn't happen? Fast forward a couple years and my parents were divorced and we were living with my grandmother. She was an angel. She was very much like the mother I never had. Growing up we never went to church, I barely knew of what heaven was except hearing about it in movies. The only reference to anything faith like was my mom saying that we had enough dead relatives in heaven that she didn't understand why she hadn't won the lottery yet. Middle school was rough. At the end of 7th grade my mom began dating someone I didn't like from the moment I met him. Eventually he had convinced my mom that I was in the way, so she kicked me out. I lived with my dad for a couple days, but I was in the way of his new acquired family, so eventually I ended up living with my teacher, secretly of course or she would have been fired im sure. What type of mother abandons her child? What type of father never has anything to do with his daughter?? I've always felt alone. I never felt like i had a home. Around freshman year in high school I started having sex with a person who then I swore I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I believed in him with open eyes and absolutely no doubt. He cheated on me, and I can still remember what it felt like. Complete betrayal. I then went on to have other boyfriends, all of which cheated on me. Why?? Was it me? It had to be? My junior year I started dating someone who was unlikely for me, but that genuinely took the time to get to know me for a change. Having no faith, little guidance if any, and a constant need for affection and validation, I had a sexual relationship with him that resulted in 2 abortions. Each time I did, a part of me died. I went to college and being away from my family at first was liberating. then you mix alcohol with an emotionally insecure girl and it wasn't pretty. I ended up managing a night club which amazingly enough I stayed out of drugs. One bad decision after another , one more abortion and I ended up pregnant with a man's baby that I couldn't stand. Why 3 was the limit I'll never know, but I decided I had to have this baby. So I did, alone, desperate, worried that I was never going to find a husband, I clung to the first person to show any interest. Although there were several warning signs for me to have seen, I felt I wasn't worth anything more. he also reminded me that I was a single mom with a son from some "random" guy that no one was ever going to want anything to do with me. I still had absolutely no relation with God at this point. I was miserable, but I stayed. We were engaged and in the middle of wedding plans when one day we were talking about wanting to have another baby. Why I did this next move I'll never know, but we said we would try once for another baby and see what happens. Once was all it took and I was pregnant. After being pregnant and having the baby the rose colored glasses were off and for the first time I was feeling an intervention from what I thought was God. But was he real? and if he was why would he love me? No one has loved me my whole life, and I've done so many unspeakable things, why would he try and save me? I started going to church because I knew nothing. I didn't even know the story of Adam and Eve, or who Jesus was. I thought Jesus was God. Might sound ridiculous to you, but that was my reality. I started praying to God in church to help me save myself. I finally one day got the courage to leave. There I was, single mom, 2 children from 2 different fathers....who was ever going to love me? Almost a year later into my life walks Christopher. It was only through him that he taught me what it meant to be saved and God's love and having eternal life. he was the only christian I knew. We started going to church and dating and life was phenomenal. And then... One by one he wanted me to get rid of my friends, and after I opened up to him about my family he never wanted me to speak to the brother that had molested me even though I believed i had forgiven him. he didn't want me to speak to my mom or dad because of the things they did in the past. Wait a second, now that Im a christian and learning about forgiveness you want me to alienate people??? That didn't make sense. he was married once before and told me the story of their divorce. It seemed plausible. then little by little our relationship turned very ugly. he let his parents dictate every move he made which for me was completely foreign because my parents had almost nothing to do with my life, and didn't care to either except for to talk about themselves. I noticed he never read his bible, I never saw him pray but he would say he prayed about something if he was trying to tell me I was wrong. or use the bible versus to put me down. Every single time we got in a fight he would say, "Im the christian, you are the so called christian with abortions and 2 kids from 2 dads"....umm.... if I prayed to Jesus and asked him for forgiveness of my sins, and he has, why are you still stoning me for them? I had finally opened up to someone about my sins and there they were being thrown in my face every chance he had. the relationship got physical, on both ends. We separated for a short while, but right as I let go of him and started to date other people he came roaring back into my life. He never has anything positive to say about my children, they are 2 and 4 and lets just say 2s aren't exactly a walk in the park. Our relationship was full of mistrust, as I would catch him in white lies and he wouldn't trust me because i would lie just to save myself from an argument. I wasn't allowed to talk to my friends or family, or I couldn't talk to my children's fathers to coparent. I had no one but him. the crazy thing is I would pray about it and whenever I would pray about whether God wanted him in my life that's when things would get REALLY bad. It's like he was showing me right then and there, don't do it. I still did though, and begged for it. We got married a little over 6 months ago and from moment one it has been miserable. He is controlling and yet so uninvolved in the marriage. he shows me absolutely no affection anymore. He even got the point where he was calling his coworker every day on his way home to speak to her. Granted, she is 50 years old, but still...why doesn't he want to speak to his wife? he would actually hang up the phone on me to speak to her. By this point, I was no treasure either, constantly looking through his phone, trying to confront his lies. it moved on from that coworker to another. it even got so bad, we were saying grace before dinner and he actually dropped my and my sons hands in the middle of prayer to answer her phone call........WHAT???????? Why? I mean, I'm a new christian and all but here is a man who spouts "spiritual leader" and here he is doing this? Again, anytime I would try and tell him how it made me feel it was, "You are insecure and your past makes you crazy, you are not normal, you are nothing, you've had 3 abortions and have 2 kids with 2 dads that you couldn't make it work with" It even got so bad one evening, I locked myself in the bathroom and he was outside yelling, "just because your brother put his d...in your c...t doesn't mean you have to be insecure and crazy for the rest of your life. You don't know God you never will".............here I am, this is my first "christian relationship" and this is how I am treated. I've been treated better by men who have cheated on me. So here I am, we are separated, I finally got him to move out. Not because I know what I want, but because I need serious time to think. I'm torn, I'm a christian, I believe in God, he has saved me from the mud, and the first thing I'm going to do is get divorced? I'd like to work it out, but I feel like my husband will never work in himself. I've asked continually for him to see a pastor with me and his response is, "you don't want to see a pastor because then when you hear from a pastor that you are crazy you won't recover from that" it's manipulation right in front of me. Another thing is he says all our problems are 100% my fault. No. Yes I've done a ton of things wrong, but so has he. I have never said the hurtful things he has. But he will stand there and tell me that because I didn't tell him I was going to spend $20 for the kids school clothes, that's lying and I'm a liar. What do I do?? I try to pray, and I just feel so hurt and angered and lost and ashamed that I can't even get any words out other then, "God be with me, help me, save me". Also, as we have been going through all these things, they are eerily similar to his description of how his divorce happened, except I am seeing that there was probably a much different side to the story. another thing we fought about is that he never really cared whether he saw his son. He would say he cared, but when his son would be with us, he would have him come to me for everything and he would just sit in his chair and watch tv. He would take him home hours before he was supposed to and that is not ok with me. I love my children to all ends and would soak up every minute. It is so bad that if I go to sit on his lap, and one of the kids come up to sit with us, he'll push them away and say, "it's my time with your mother." then of course I am appalled and will go console the crying child and then he screams at me that I don't put him first and so I can't be a christian.

So here I am....years of abuse and neglect later..... is it me? Am I crazy? Why am I going through this? Is this God's punishment for marrying him when i shouldn't have? Or am i in the wrong?? Am I really at fault?? I go so all over the place.... I don't know what to do.

Thank you for responding. I know there was a lot thrown out there, and even reading my own words this morning I see the desperation and I see the emotions. I am putting 100% of myself out there for this program and I am so hopeful I will look back at my previous journal entries and say, "Wow, I'm so thankful to not be there any longer."

Hello,


Nice to meet you and welcome aboard.

Do you have any idea what it feels like to have gone through that type of abuse and then have someone tell you it didn't happen?

Yes, I do. I was told it was all in my imagination that it was only a dream and that if i told they would send us both away.

Such lies, hu?

What type of mother abandons her child?

An imperfect one... from the sounds of it, not to excuse her behavior, but she was going through alot at the time herself. So many times i tried to hold my parents standards up to God's... which is unrealistic. They like us are imperfect. It wasn't until i realised that forgiveness, toward those who have wronged us or made bad decisions, releases them from that unrealistic mold that we like to measure our parents up to. Are just like us and make mistakes. Yes we get shot in the crossfire of the path of their mistakes. Sometimes repeatedly and some more than others.

We can look at our imperfect parents and then see in all His glory just how perfect He is.

My junior year I started dating someone who was unlikely for me, but that genuinely took the time to get to know me for a change. Having no faith, little guidance if any, and a constant need for affection and validation, I had a sexual relationship with him that resulted in 2 abortions.

I was once in the same predicament, i had an abortion and for years i refused to believe that God would forgive me. I felt like i abandoned my child, i gave up on my child before he or she ever had a chance at breathing.

Oh yes i blamed it on the molestation, my parents, the boys, you name it I found an escape goat. But the fact was.. i also was imperfect. Kinda embarassed it took me so long to realise that. I feel your pain sister, i suffered many years of horrible depression because of my abortion. To the point of where i just decided that my choices were not good ones and i lost all creditability in myself to do anything "right".

God is gracious to send us His son, the perfect One, the only One who could save us form this world of imperfections.

Every single time we got in a fight he would say, "Im the christian, you are the so called christian with abortions and 2 kids from 2 dads"

Sounds like he was a little mixed up because True Love keeps no records of wrongs.

In the current situation that you are in, the imperfect me would say lose that zero and get a Hero! But alas, I wouldnt want to be the one to give advice to break any marriage whether it is God inspired or not. Those are all personal choices that we make after seeking God.

It is in the seeking of Him that we find the answers.

Keep doing the steps sis, and your path shall be cleared in which direction for you to go. Trust Him, not man... and that includes ourselves Depend on Him for everything, He wont lead you astray. Stay on the path.

God bless you sister and welcome to the family!

♥Jill

Hi,
So glad you came to CO. It has helped me greatly and is still helping. Sorry you've had it so rough, but God still loves you and when you ask forgiveness, He forgives you and doesn't continue to punish you. I'm not saying that the choices we make do not cause us life time consequences, because sometimes they do. With God he can turn those consequences into victories!!! Praise His Holy Name!!!
I'm not a counselor, so I would not attempt to tell you what to do about your current situation, but please see your pastor or local Christian counseling center. You do not deserve the treatment you are getting. Neither do your wonderful children God has given you.
God has always been!! He knew from the beginning what sins you would and will commit, but He loved you enough then to send His son Jesus to die on the cross for YOU! Every time I say that I am sooooo amazed that God loved me that much!! I've got not such a pretty past myself and even since I've been a christian, I have failed miserably!
God loves you, lean on Him and seek His guidance in finding a counselor.
love ya, in Christ
UpSide

hi Amis, so nice to meet you and glad you are here.

Reading your story, I can see the truths...that you see the truths now too. You sound like a good Christian and God is giving you the answers you need, you just need to believe that it is from Him and not your imagination.

The enemy likes to whisper lies to keep us from gaining freedom...he doesn't want to let us go because it hurts God to keep us under bondage. You, as a new Christian, sound like you have more knowledge about God's love then your husband who is using religion to control you. You see that truth.

You realized God was warning you before you got married but God still gives us free will to choose. So He is not punishing you... He wouldn't do that. God loves you, always has, always will.

Doing these steps will really help you understand better. Keep with them and keep journeling.

Hi Amis Welcome to the Oasis. Wow lots of emotions running around huh sis? Well it's time to work on control...allowing God to be who He needs to be in your life...and not letting the enemy run over you by attacking you through your emotions. Just know that there is hope and there is healing. No you can not change your husband...only God can do that. Take this time of separation between you and your hubby...and grow close to God. Make God first in your own life and allow God to take over and start guiding your steps. Then you will begin to see changes in your life. Just remember all things are possible with God...and He has a wonderful plan for you...you just have to trust Him and not overthink what He does. Sometimes our mind can be our own worst enemy if we allow it to think too much...so just know that God will never leave you nor forsake you...and He loves you very much. Also, know that God is a forgiving God and that all those things you've done in the past...if you have repented of them....then God has forgiven them...through the blood of Jesus...and you are becoming a new creation in Him.

Praying for you.

Come visit us sometime in the chatroom.

Take care and God Bless

Amis

Was so touched by your journal.
Praying for you.

We who have been abused have some different ways of thinking, but that doesn't make us crazy.

I'm glad you are out of this relationship. It sounds like from the beginning God wanted something better for you. It's not Him punishing you sister. Humans mess up. And much of what you've shared about this man is not from God.

Dig deep into a relationship with God. Get to know Him even better. What I see in your words is you know some about God even though humans have shown you differently. You still know what God would want. He doesn't remember your past or hold it against you and neither should others. But at times some humans do and that is sad. You are forgiven. Pure as the driven snow. Hold on tight to that thought. Cause you have an enemy that wants you to think differently. He'll try to steal that from you every chance he can.

I can relate to so much of what you've shared. Please know you are not alone. I'm here with many others who already care about you. And most of all God is with you and He is on YOUR side!

God loves you dear sister and so do I!!