Day 1
Posted: Fri Aug 20, 2010 11:23 pmSo today is day 1. i'm here because my mum forwarded me a promo e-mail for this site. It bacame all to obvious a week ago just how depressed and broken i was. Refusing to talk to family or friends i told mum i really needed help, needed a counsellor, but than realised at 180 a visit i just had to find a way to deal, the same way i've been dealing for the past 18months, silence. . . . when i got her e-mail i was reluctant to do this programe, in case someone knows me, fear, silence, same place i've been for so long until today.
i decided if i'm gonna do this thing i'm not gonna hold back, i'm not gonna be reluctant, and its gonna work, cause if it doesnt i dont doubt that suicide seemed like a very strong possibility.
There is no condemnation in christ jesus right. and we are called to be like him even if we fail. well i failed. i've had a life of jumping from one relationship to another, being the best me i could be but not determining if they were the best guys for a girl like me, drug addicts, criminals, immature and the list goes on. always looking for the good in everyone with blinders on. 2 years ago i was accepted into the police academy, they were filming a show called the recruits which i was a part of. my concerntration and focus on my goal became blurred with attention, popularity and excitement bluring my vision. i had a massive crush on the producer, and before long i was rejected from the academy and star eyed for this guy. now he didnt want a "relationship" but i hung around anyway long enough to be used for a few months before i got in my car in sydney and headed back to the gold coast. ON the drive home i had a call from a guy, i had met on myspace. he was the producer for some big shots and worked with names like angus and julia stone. all i needed was a friend and here is this guy calling me, i hadnt thought much of the friendship for 6 months while away, and heres me broken hearted and in need of a friend. After 10 hours of driving i was mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. Still reading? then your gonna hear it all now. he took me to a gig the following night, he didnt drink but brought me a beer, just one beer, and in the excitment of the music i went to kiss him on the cheek to thank him but he turned for my lips and an accidental awkward pec happened. we ended up being best of friends, so i thought, we went walking together every day for about 2 months, he told me he was separated from his wife and stories about his life. we ended up becoming romantic. everything he told me was a lie, he was still with his wife, and she was pregnant. when i found out i felt silenced, it was little drips of information over a period of a time. my family and friends didnt even know i was seeing anyone. eventually the baby was born, i had a boyfriend i saw once a week and i just cried and felt so crap all the time. in Jan i had been with him a year and broke my silence and told his wife,,, because he didnt choose me! selfish hey. totally broke her, i told her details and dates and times, and spared no thought for her. she kicked him out and for another 7 months i continued him, this time they were going to counseling and i wasnt his girl, just the girl he "saw" every week. a week ago that all changed, he met someone else, i told the wife and she realised even counseling was a lie, she is shattered, so am i, and he says he has met the girl of his dreams. i knew it was wrong, i always knew, but i couldn't leave, i couldnt find the strength, and now i am an emotional mess in serious need of forgivness and grace. i know i have it, i know god loves me, and when ever i am going to cry now i just capute my thoughts and thank god that my ex met somone else so i wouldnt be in the same mess for the rest of my life, i thank god for jesus stripes and my healing and forgivness. i thank god for health (the last 18 months i have had every illness due to my sin i believe, and before i had never been sick). i thank god for an education and a better financial position. and i'm claiming a well deserving husband who values me and really loves me. i claim a high esteem and the ability to walk away when its right to even if its hard too. no one feels for the mistress, but i do, because i wore her dress and walked in her shoes and i know how it can eat up the girl who was once just a miss.
i decided if i'm gonna do this thing i'm not gonna hold back, i'm not gonna be reluctant, and its gonna work, cause if it doesnt i dont doubt that suicide seemed like a very strong possibility.
There is no condemnation in christ jesus right. and we are called to be like him even if we fail. well i failed. i've had a life of jumping from one relationship to another, being the best me i could be but not determining if they were the best guys for a girl like me, drug addicts, criminals, immature and the list goes on. always looking for the good in everyone with blinders on. 2 years ago i was accepted into the police academy, they were filming a show called the recruits which i was a part of. my concerntration and focus on my goal became blurred with attention, popularity and excitement bluring my vision. i had a massive crush on the producer, and before long i was rejected from the academy and star eyed for this guy. now he didnt want a "relationship" but i hung around anyway long enough to be used for a few months before i got in my car in sydney and headed back to the gold coast. ON the drive home i had a call from a guy, i had met on myspace. he was the producer for some big shots and worked with names like angus and julia stone. all i needed was a friend and here is this guy calling me, i hadnt thought much of the friendship for 6 months while away, and heres me broken hearted and in need of a friend. After 10 hours of driving i was mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. Still reading? then your gonna hear it all now. he took me to a gig the following night, he didnt drink but brought me a beer, just one beer, and in the excitment of the music i went to kiss him on the cheek to thank him but he turned for my lips and an accidental awkward pec happened. we ended up being best of friends, so i thought, we went walking together every day for about 2 months, he told me he was separated from his wife and stories about his life. we ended up becoming romantic. everything he told me was a lie, he was still with his wife, and she was pregnant. when i found out i felt silenced, it was little drips of information over a period of a time. my family and friends didnt even know i was seeing anyone. eventually the baby was born, i had a boyfriend i saw once a week and i just cried and felt so crap all the time. in Jan i had been with him a year and broke my silence and told his wife,,, because he didnt choose me! selfish hey. totally broke her, i told her details and dates and times, and spared no thought for her. she kicked him out and for another 7 months i continued him, this time they were going to counseling and i wasnt his girl, just the girl he "saw" every week. a week ago that all changed, he met someone else, i told the wife and she realised even counseling was a lie, she is shattered, so am i, and he says he has met the girl of his dreams. i knew it was wrong, i always knew, but i couldn't leave, i couldnt find the strength, and now i am an emotional mess in serious need of forgivness and grace. i know i have it, i know god loves me, and when ever i am going to cry now i just capute my thoughts and thank god that my ex met somone else so i wouldnt be in the same mess for the rest of my life, i thank god for jesus stripes and my healing and forgivness. i thank god for health (the last 18 months i have had every illness due to my sin i believe, and before i had never been sick). i thank god for an education and a better financial position. and i'm claiming a well deserving husband who values me and really loves me. i claim a high esteem and the ability to walk away when its right to even if its hard too. no one feels for the mistress, but i do, because i wore her dress and walked in her shoes and i know how it can eat up the girl who was once just a miss.
