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Well i've always been afraid to write down my feelings and problems for the fear that someone in my family will find them and i will be exposed. I've started several times, just to rip out the pages and destroy them. I've believed in Jesus/God many years, taught Sunday School, even church secretary for a while! Now I drink a lot and i am so lonely i do stupid self-pleasure things when I am drinking! That is something that i have NEVER just out and out said. that seems almost worse than the drinking. Don't know why. I was abused as a child maybe that's it.
I drink and eat because i am soooo lonely. For the last 20 yr, my husband has not had much to do with me. Sex or emotionally. So far this year we've made love 1 time that it ONE time!! I need to lose about 45 lbs and he can't get over that. And i seem to keep eating and drinking to fill the void. He is a christian and teaches at our church. He is a good man, just not a good partner.
My church is one of the ones that if they knew i drank, they would just kill me! you know if the people that think that if you TRULY BELIEVE you will not have any addictions, or depression.
When all the kids grew up and left then that's when the loneliness set in. my husband would go to work parties and drink a little, well since i have so many alcoholics in my family, i just picked it up easily. Well now it is a monster that has me by the throat!
i know I'm rambling, but just supposed to be my feelings, right. i feel so down that I'm not even sure I'm saved. i truly do believe that Jesus was born of a virgin and was God in flesh, lived a sinless life, died on the cross for sinners and arose from the grave. I accept His payment for my sin since i know i could never do that myself. With all that said maybe i believe it in my head not my heart since i cannot get away from MY Flesh and addictions! I'm so afraid that I will be one of those people that Jesus says, sorry I never knew you! And now my testimony with my family has been ruined! What if they choose not to belive because of my actions. Many times i have wished i just "wasn't". Never born, never existed. never would think of suicide, 1. afraid of God, and 2. would never do that to my family!
Writing all this down is scary, but if I'm going to do the 14 day program, I have to follow it exactly. I need a miracle and so does my marriage.
GTG - work some, sure I will be back later to write more.
Thank You - Christianity Oasis!!!

HI upside

Welcome to Christianity Oasis and to the counseling program. I am certain it will help you find a closer relationship with God.

I just want to say I love you and I'm praying for you. Things may look bleak right now, but hang in there and keep at it.

Being a Christian doesn't mean you are perfect. Being a christians means you realize your a sinner in need of Jesus grace. It's a path we all must walk. Your walk looks a bit different than mine. I stumble, I fall, I really screw up, and so there's no judgment towards you. I've fallen to alcohol a few times myself. The alcohol and eating is just a blanket to cover the real issues.

Have you forgiven yourself? Do you carry guilt from your down falls and from what happened when you were younger? It's not really yours to carry ya know. His grace is sufficient. Matthew 11:28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

You weren't meant to carry all this. Lay it down at the foot of the cross.

God loves you and so do I!

Here for you, as a friend and sister through Christ.

hi UpSide, so glad you have found us and are starting the study... it really is great and we are here to help you.
Don't keep beating yourself up about your problems... look now forward to getting them under control and gone, in Jesus' understanding and strength