Depressed, Defeated & Confused
Posted: Sun Aug 08, 2010 11:45 pmMy heart is heavy, I feel mostly numb inside. It's been 4 years, but the Lord finally poked a hole in my "wall" and some of His light has shined through. I can only hope that He tears it all down before I have a chance to board it back up!
I don't even know where to start. There are so many things that have led me up to this point and to this site. I guess what is foremost is my contemplation of leaving my husband. We have been together 15 years, married for 9. We have a beautiful two year old.
I have endured many years of downright emotional abuse from my husband. The abuse has mostly subsided in the last 3 years. It has probably been due to God's work. I still endure my husband's disrespect and ongoing criticism towards me and controlling behaviors. For most of those years of abuse, I was utterly devastated by his treatment of me. I could not understand how he would profess to love me and treat me so horribly. I loved him more than I loved myself. I would do anything in my power to make him happy and pleased with me. I would try harder and harder and fail miserably. I battled ongoing depression during this time and felt suicidal. I felt worthless and miserable.
I would ask him why he would treat me with such disgust and like a piece of crap? I would ask him why he would never treat his mother this way, so why treat me this way? I would tell him how his words were like daggers in my heart. I would ask what I ever did to deserve such treatment? I always tried to reason with him, to be the calm voice, try to set the example. That is what a good Christian does, right? Every so often, I would lash out at him in defense, just to get the onslaught of words to STOP coming at me! No amount of rational thought or calmness ever seemed to phase him.
At one point he was telling me to get the H*ll out of his life! I was too stupid to listen. I could not even fathom the meaning of what he said. I was in such disbelief, I refused to listen to those words. Now I look back and wish to God I had run far, far away and saved myself! I remember those years of crying out to God, pleading with Him, begging Him to make it stop. To help me be the "good wife".
I'm truly sad and feel like I have wasted so many years of my life with a person who seems incapable of being in a healthy, loving, kind relationship. I feel like a horrible mother bringing my child into this unloving family. She doesn't deserve it. I hate myself for not recognizing the signs sooner. I grew up with abusive parents and felt like I had been cut free from hell when I moved out and never imagined I would not recognize abuse when it stared me in the face again. I now realize that is typical of abused children. I thought I would have been wiser. But, my husband's abuse has a different "flavor" and I didn't recognize for what it was until many, many years later.
I'm tired of the control over my life that he has. I was contemplating the other day ways that I have changed because of the negative impact. Ways that I'm different and decisions that I would otherwise make differently if it were not for his influence. He controls all of the money, especially now that I'm staying home with daughter. When I was working I attempted to open up a separate banking acct just so I could have the freedom to go out to lunch or buy myself a new outfit or whatever without his scrutinizing eyes approving or disapproving of my purchases. Somehow he managed to gain access to this acct and gone went that freedom.
I used to be extremely forgiving and generally positive even through all these years, although I routinely struggled with depression. Even towards my parents, I was forgiving. I felt sorry for them that they felt the need to abuse their children. I excused their bad behavior. I felt badly about their troubled childhood and emotional baggage they brought into and through their adulthood. I imagined that they must feel terribly guilty for how they treated their children, not having any self-control. I remember getting angry from time to time, but it never lasted long and I always ended up forgiving them. I loved my parents, even if they treated me badly. I took this same pattern into my marriage. I loved my husband more than anything. No matter the angry outbursts, the mud-slinging the slick way he managed to turn every argument into my fault. The way he would withhold sex as punishment towards me, reducing me to further tears as I would beg him for his affection. I would often blame myself and convince myself that I just needed to try harder to win his approval and affection. If I just didn't do "x" or if I did "y" like he asked, then these problems wouldn't exist. I now recognize this as a typical behavior in response to abuse. But, yet, I still forgave.
Now, 15 year later, I just came out of a year-long hate-fest towards my husband. I hated him so much I could just spit venom. I didn't realize a scowl had become my permanent expression until hubby said something about it. This rage and anger started to swell up inside me and consumed me. I became ugly inside and out. I actually went to a counselor to try to talk through some of the issues because I had no one else to go to. The anger lessened but did not go away. I could not stand who I was becoming because of the anger inside of me. I am feeling better and not nearly as angry, but my heart is hardened towards my husband and I don't know if I love him anymore.
We have not had sex for more than 2 years. I used to be the one that was "hot in the pants", begging my husband for sex. Now, I can't stand to be touched by him. He gives me a kiss at night and kiss before he leaves the house, but I have never so much as initiated anything, not even a kiss. I have never felt this way ever in our relationship. At first, people told me it was because I was breastfeeding, but that ended 18 months ago. I have no sexual desire. I even went to the doctor to see if there was something physically wrong, like a hormonal imbalance, but nothing.
I am faced with the prospect of completely starting over. I would have to find a job in this terrible economy without a college education. I would have to put my daughter in daycare. Our standard of living would certainly drop considerably. The thought of even bringing up potential separation/divorce with my husband is the scariest thing I've ever contemplated. I am truly fearful of his response. If living with is bad, I can't imagine the misery he would try to put me through if we were separated. I imagine the Mt Rushmore of rage would come bursting out straight at me!
I feel so god-awful terrible about bringing my daughter into this mess. I feel like a failure not being able to provide a loving, stable home for her. I feel like such a screw up here. How could I have let this happen????? How did I even get pregnant??? I had not been on any form of birth control for 3 years and yet no pregnancy until I quit my job. I thought there was something physically wrong with me in being able to get pregnant. Surprise!
The ironic thing is that my husband is generally a nice person to everyone else on this planet, even towards me. He only rears his ugly face in my presence. It's sad that he actually can be a kind-hearted person, so nice, friendly and thoughtful at times. He knows me fairly well and knows my likes and dislikes and accommodates many of those. He even gives me the bigger piece of cake, the larger scoop if ice cream, etc. I believe there is goodness there, but I'm afraid the ugliness has taken its toll and the clock can not be turned back. The words and actions can never be undone. The record of hurts and wrongs play over and over in my head like a broken record. I'm tired of being dumped on. I'm tired of feeling like a piece of sh*t. I'm tired of being the one to blame for everything that is wrong in our relationship. I'm tired of feeling like I'll never measure up to his "ideal" wife, whatever that is. I'm tired of feeling like "damned if I do, and damned if I don't." I really feel like I'm at the end of my rope - or maybe I've already let go and it's too late?
I have never faced anything so scary as this. I hope this 14 day journey will shed some light for me. I would rather just go hide in a cave and hope to God this will all go away. But, for the first time, I'm truly motivated to face this, at the very least for the sake of my daughter. I don't want her to be exposed to this environment if I can help it, so help me God.
I don't even know where to start. There are so many things that have led me up to this point and to this site. I guess what is foremost is my contemplation of leaving my husband. We have been together 15 years, married for 9. We have a beautiful two year old.
I have endured many years of downright emotional abuse from my husband. The abuse has mostly subsided in the last 3 years. It has probably been due to God's work. I still endure my husband's disrespect and ongoing criticism towards me and controlling behaviors. For most of those years of abuse, I was utterly devastated by his treatment of me. I could not understand how he would profess to love me and treat me so horribly. I loved him more than I loved myself. I would do anything in my power to make him happy and pleased with me. I would try harder and harder and fail miserably. I battled ongoing depression during this time and felt suicidal. I felt worthless and miserable.
I would ask him why he would treat me with such disgust and like a piece of crap? I would ask him why he would never treat his mother this way, so why treat me this way? I would tell him how his words were like daggers in my heart. I would ask what I ever did to deserve such treatment? I always tried to reason with him, to be the calm voice, try to set the example. That is what a good Christian does, right? Every so often, I would lash out at him in defense, just to get the onslaught of words to STOP coming at me! No amount of rational thought or calmness ever seemed to phase him.
At one point he was telling me to get the H*ll out of his life! I was too stupid to listen. I could not even fathom the meaning of what he said. I was in such disbelief, I refused to listen to those words. Now I look back and wish to God I had run far, far away and saved myself! I remember those years of crying out to God, pleading with Him, begging Him to make it stop. To help me be the "good wife".
I'm truly sad and feel like I have wasted so many years of my life with a person who seems incapable of being in a healthy, loving, kind relationship. I feel like a horrible mother bringing my child into this unloving family. She doesn't deserve it. I hate myself for not recognizing the signs sooner. I grew up with abusive parents and felt like I had been cut free from hell when I moved out and never imagined I would not recognize abuse when it stared me in the face again. I now realize that is typical of abused children. I thought I would have been wiser. But, my husband's abuse has a different "flavor" and I didn't recognize for what it was until many, many years later.
I'm tired of the control over my life that he has. I was contemplating the other day ways that I have changed because of the negative impact. Ways that I'm different and decisions that I would otherwise make differently if it were not for his influence. He controls all of the money, especially now that I'm staying home with daughter. When I was working I attempted to open up a separate banking acct just so I could have the freedom to go out to lunch or buy myself a new outfit or whatever without his scrutinizing eyes approving or disapproving of my purchases. Somehow he managed to gain access to this acct and gone went that freedom.
I used to be extremely forgiving and generally positive even through all these years, although I routinely struggled with depression. Even towards my parents, I was forgiving. I felt sorry for them that they felt the need to abuse their children. I excused their bad behavior. I felt badly about their troubled childhood and emotional baggage they brought into and through their adulthood. I imagined that they must feel terribly guilty for how they treated their children, not having any self-control. I remember getting angry from time to time, but it never lasted long and I always ended up forgiving them. I loved my parents, even if they treated me badly. I took this same pattern into my marriage. I loved my husband more than anything. No matter the angry outbursts, the mud-slinging the slick way he managed to turn every argument into my fault. The way he would withhold sex as punishment towards me, reducing me to further tears as I would beg him for his affection. I would often blame myself and convince myself that I just needed to try harder to win his approval and affection. If I just didn't do "x" or if I did "y" like he asked, then these problems wouldn't exist. I now recognize this as a typical behavior in response to abuse. But, yet, I still forgave.
Now, 15 year later, I just came out of a year-long hate-fest towards my husband. I hated him so much I could just spit venom. I didn't realize a scowl had become my permanent expression until hubby said something about it. This rage and anger started to swell up inside me and consumed me. I became ugly inside and out. I actually went to a counselor to try to talk through some of the issues because I had no one else to go to. The anger lessened but did not go away. I could not stand who I was becoming because of the anger inside of me. I am feeling better and not nearly as angry, but my heart is hardened towards my husband and I don't know if I love him anymore.
We have not had sex for more than 2 years. I used to be the one that was "hot in the pants", begging my husband for sex. Now, I can't stand to be touched by him. He gives me a kiss at night and kiss before he leaves the house, but I have never so much as initiated anything, not even a kiss. I have never felt this way ever in our relationship. At first, people told me it was because I was breastfeeding, but that ended 18 months ago. I have no sexual desire. I even went to the doctor to see if there was something physically wrong, like a hormonal imbalance, but nothing.
I am faced with the prospect of completely starting over. I would have to find a job in this terrible economy without a college education. I would have to put my daughter in daycare. Our standard of living would certainly drop considerably. The thought of even bringing up potential separation/divorce with my husband is the scariest thing I've ever contemplated. I am truly fearful of his response. If living with is bad, I can't imagine the misery he would try to put me through if we were separated. I imagine the Mt Rushmore of rage would come bursting out straight at me!
I feel so god-awful terrible about bringing my daughter into this mess. I feel like a failure not being able to provide a loving, stable home for her. I feel like such a screw up here. How could I have let this happen????? How did I even get pregnant??? I had not been on any form of birth control for 3 years and yet no pregnancy until I quit my job. I thought there was something physically wrong with me in being able to get pregnant. Surprise!
The ironic thing is that my husband is generally a nice person to everyone else on this planet, even towards me. He only rears his ugly face in my presence. It's sad that he actually can be a kind-hearted person, so nice, friendly and thoughtful at times. He knows me fairly well and knows my likes and dislikes and accommodates many of those. He even gives me the bigger piece of cake, the larger scoop if ice cream, etc. I believe there is goodness there, but I'm afraid the ugliness has taken its toll and the clock can not be turned back. The words and actions can never be undone. The record of hurts and wrongs play over and over in my head like a broken record. I'm tired of being dumped on. I'm tired of feeling like a piece of sh*t. I'm tired of being the one to blame for everything that is wrong in our relationship. I'm tired of feeling like I'll never measure up to his "ideal" wife, whatever that is. I'm tired of feeling like "damned if I do, and damned if I don't." I really feel like I'm at the end of my rope - or maybe I've already let go and it's too late?
I have never faced anything so scary as this. I hope this 14 day journey will shed some light for me. I would rather just go hide in a cave and hope to God this will all go away. But, for the first time, I'm truly motivated to face this, at the very least for the sake of my daughter. I don't want her to be exposed to this environment if I can help it, so help me God.
Welcome to Oasis. I know this must be difficult. I'd like to encourage you to hang in there while God continues to work in both of you. You see he is changing. What if you give up before God has changed him to be the husband you want and need.
Well, I do, because the only option going forward is the utter loneliness I now feel inside if I don't. But, it's just too scary to open my heart again and risk more pain, more rejection. Pain I might be able to endure, but rejection, I shudder at the thought of it.
