Day 3-Journal
Posted: Sun Dec 20, 2009 6:51 pmWell here's day three. I started out feeling the "weeds" that had been growing and man I really need to pull those things up. But my situation is really requires me to just sit and be patient and wait on God. I'm a person who really tries to work on things so that they will eventually go away and but it's very hard to work on dept!! I so want to be back on my own feet and being able to sustain a better life now. The days are long. I get aggravated and sometimes feel hopeless and helpless. I want to function better in my marriage and fatherhood. But I start to feel down when I hear my son ask for things that I can't provide at this time and when my wife and I have those times when we're at each other. I just want to heal in so many ways, but I know it's a process.
I mean, what can you do? I have no money, I'm in dept over my head, I can't go back to work until the next school year (I'm on a leave of absence), we're living with my parents, my house is in danger of foreclosure (we may need to do a short sell), I have to ask my father for money even down to gas for my car, he's the only one working (my mother hasn't work for years...not by choice though) and so many more "weeds" that I don't even want to mention them. However, what really gets to me is that my wife and I have to grow to hearing God voice and direction for us together. She has CRAZY faith. So much so, that it scares me. I want so bad to be on the same level with her, but my logic hinders me so much. Here's the bulk of it.
Before we attemted to pursue me going back to school of my doctoral degree, she had "heard" the Lord say another place which was different from where I had applied to school. Now the school that I applied for was the school where I finished my Masters; so I was familiar with the teachers and I didn't have to take the GRE. It was in state and the tuition was much lowere, even though I had to take out a student loan. So I felt better and comfortable. Plus, it was only 3 hours away for our parents. However, my wife heard the Lord say a different place...which was about 5 hours away in another state. I didn't feel led to that place. I didn't know the teachers and I had no reason for going to that school. We battled for days and weeks about it. I cried, and we were in total disagreement. None the less, we eventually settled on the place where I was accepted to. To make the story short, I didn't get in and thus the dept piled on and the depression/anxiety set in. I can't begin to tell you what I/we went through while we were there. We had enough money to put me son is school...which was very expensive. We had to take him out and it was his first time in school. I was SO emotional during that time. I cried So much. It hurt very bad that I wasn't able to keep him in school and he was going to have to leave.
I really have a lot to express but I don't want to type a lot... I 'm in so many places in my mind and emotions. I really just need GOD's help love and direction. There are so many "weeds". So much that I feel that I can't manage. I'm going to keep trying and keep walking. Please pray for me on these steps....
I mean, what can you do? I have no money, I'm in dept over my head, I can't go back to work until the next school year (I'm on a leave of absence), we're living with my parents, my house is in danger of foreclosure (we may need to do a short sell), I have to ask my father for money even down to gas for my car, he's the only one working (my mother hasn't work for years...not by choice though) and so many more "weeds" that I don't even want to mention them. However, what really gets to me is that my wife and I have to grow to hearing God voice and direction for us together. She has CRAZY faith. So much so, that it scares me. I want so bad to be on the same level with her, but my logic hinders me so much. Here's the bulk of it.
Before we attemted to pursue me going back to school of my doctoral degree, she had "heard" the Lord say another place which was different from where I had applied to school. Now the school that I applied for was the school where I finished my Masters; so I was familiar with the teachers and I didn't have to take the GRE. It was in state and the tuition was much lowere, even though I had to take out a student loan. So I felt better and comfortable. Plus, it was only 3 hours away for our parents. However, my wife heard the Lord say a different place...which was about 5 hours away in another state. I didn't feel led to that place. I didn't know the teachers and I had no reason for going to that school. We battled for days and weeks about it. I cried, and we were in total disagreement. None the less, we eventually settled on the place where I was accepted to. To make the story short, I didn't get in and thus the dept piled on and the depression/anxiety set in. I can't begin to tell you what I/we went through while we were there. We had enough money to put me son is school...which was very expensive. We had to take him out and it was his first time in school. I was SO emotional during that time. I cried So much. It hurt very bad that I wasn't able to keep him in school and he was going to have to leave.
I really have a lot to express but I don't want to type a lot... I 'm in so many places in my mind and emotions. I really just need GOD's help love and direction. There are so many "weeds". So much that I feel that I can't manage. I'm going to keep trying and keep walking. Please pray for me on these steps....
