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Nothing else tears me apart to the very core of my very existence that God had created even before I was born (Isaiah 49) more , than to come to a place that my Lord had prepared for me (In my Father's Hse, ... I will prepare a room for you) with a doubting mind whether I should go in or not .
I don't think anyone would understand what goes through the mind and heart of a person left with only ONE option , an option that he knows is the KEY to his freedom , and yet being so scared to take that FINAL one step , and at the same time knowing all too well if he doesn't and stays put at the place he's standing will be like signing his own death warrant , let alone the mere glance backward , I'm not talking "thinking about a step backward" just a mere GLANCE from the side of the head .

To some , (and understandably so , I probably do the same) this may sound like a broken record of some sort , and tend to shine it on as another whining episode , but that is absolutely none of my concern right now . I am the one who has to wake up with these tormenting thoughts on a day to day basis for what it seems to be a 100 years now .

Maybe if I were to give the an example of how intimate and how close to my very soul this place is to me , which , by the way I take full responsibility of not exposing this earlier , but then again never got the chance to get to that point , but better late than never .

I have not even let known to my own mother of the passing of Jackie but yet I shared it here ! You know why ? It would be my fault . How do I know ?
Realizing that I had my other phone stolen and that I had not yet given her my new # , and today being my B-day , I called , and I get this , "don't you think it's about time you came home ? " as if that wasn't painful enough to hear , she "had" to add "Why do you hate us so much ?"
HAH ! "It's your fault vahn ! " right ?

Yeah , leaving here is leaving God , staying here had turned into an absolute torment , I would much rather be tormented in my Lord's house than anywhere else .

The third stepping stone deals with forgiveness , forgiveness starts from home , I have no other home but here , I stand corrected for everything unnecessary I had caused , but one thing I wish for everyone to understand , It was never MEANT to be a directed one . It's just simply some got caught in the crossfire between me and the enemy , what hurts most is that the reason they were there is to help ! Just like my daughter was caught in the crossfire between me and her mother and she was there to help . Now try to tell that to the "world" and expect understanding , hah !

Someone concerned suggested Isaiah 49 - the words that jumped out of the page (considering the state of "mind" [if there's any left] I'm in) were,

Listen to Me , all of you in far off lands : The Lord called me before my birth .... He said to me: "You are my Servant, ... and you shall bring me glory" .
I replied, "But my work for them seems all in vain ; I have spent all my strength for them without response . Yet I leave it all with God ... "

Happy Birthday Vahn.


Vahn Blood is thicker than water they say. But is not the blood of Christ thicker than this blood that runs through our veins of this earthy sinful vessle?

Let the dead bury the dead brother.

There are things that she did to you, that you must deal with in order to lay down these things that are hindering you in your walk with Christ.

How can you have a godly relationship if you were raised in an ungodly relationship, unless Christ heals the past.

Thank you for the reply Pine

I am trying very hard to decipher to come up with a reason as to why the issue of childhood abuse keeps popping up in my posts as replies . At first my thought was maybe she was replying to someone else , but upon seeing my name in it , I thought maybe I should say a thing or two about it .

I 100% agree with you as to what you are saying as far as childhood abuse is concerned , it is a very traumatic and tragic situation for a child to have such treatment , and yes some even carry it throughout their lifetime and yes every body they can in contact with get affected one way or another , either by causing pain to by just people knowing of the pain caused to them .
I occupy a substance abuse counselor's position for a living , besides the fact that , aside from my caseload of 14 residents in a rehabilitation center that I myself am a resident of but not as a client , I also sponsor 8 recovering alcoholics .
My late sponsor , who was also a friend of the family for 25 years and my sponsor for the last ten years of his life was sponsoring me , was a certified victims of child abuse therapist by occupation , and I had learnt a lot from him as to how to recognize behavioral signs that might lead to being victimized , and yes , as similar to what you mentioned before , the abused child is most likely to abuse others , and by so doing I can be more effective in guiding my caseload or sponsee to the proper channels for them to get help with , because I myself have no clue of how to reach them as far as their recovery from abuse is concerned , neither did Gary mention once in the ten years that he spent with me as a sponsor the possibility or hint of abuse , would you like to know why Pine ? I was not abused by either of my parents or any other member of the family .

So when you or anyone writes or interpret things as

Let the dead bury the dead brother.

There are things that she did to you, that you must deal with in order to lay down these things that are hindering you in your walk with Christ.

How can you have a godly relationship if you were raised in an ungodly relationship,

It leaves me with nothing else but the thought of "why are these people thinking as such ? " (another part of the training I received both from the courses I took and my sponsor's 'signs to watch for' lectures) . As I am or rather was ingulfed in preoccupation of trying to mend a friendship gone sour because of an 'interpretation' gone awry , and left unresolved the tendency is to get a tunnel vision as to what everyone else is saying and I automatically relate their situation to mine .
In other words , if I were to experience say , food poisoning eating fish on a Friday , when someone says to me I don't like "something happened to me last Friday" my immediate response would be "Did you eat fish ? " and I go on from there how awful it is to experience food poisoning and yet another lecture on fish !

There are things that she did to you, that you must deal with

Assuming you are talking about my mother , my mother did nothing else but give me all the love she can give me. Another assumption of

Let the dead bury the dead brother.

taken as directed at my mother , Pine my dear friend , when our Lord said that , of course you know , He meant the spiritually dead , my mother was more spiritual than both you and me combined , she is the one goading her father , whom I considered a literal saint , to take both me and my twin on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem on a donkey from Lebanon and take us through the roads where our Lord Himself walked , so , I guess that eliminates the

How can you have a godly relationship if you were raised in an ungodly relationship,

statement huh ?

Here's the thing sis , the way things had been going around here as far as my personal issues are concerned , I am afraid that this reply may as well end up as an "attack" , where as the only thing I am trying to point out is where the so-called misenterpretations usually stem from .
The whole idea of my post was something I have to write at another time due to the fact that it is getting late . Please however , do not take this as any other way but a correction of a sort .

In brotherhood of Christ

Hi, Vahn . . . yeah, I had a bad time, yesterday with today; and I'm just knowing I need how God alone can set me right. And it comes, "'But seek first the kingdom of God'" (in Matthew 6:33); and I'm thinking of how God's kingdom includes what God is feeling and I'm getting how this is so absolutely beautiful in perfect peace . . . the secret place of the Most High > not a place to enter, but to have in us.

I have been on both "sides" of abuse. I can see a victim has a rather plain opportunity to get ideas of what evil behavior to copy-cat. I think, even if you haven't been abused, you still can help a victim or predator . . . among other things, just make it clear how the abuse is wrong. Any Christian can help any person, God can make you able. But others are needed, of course, it's not all on you, brother

I appologize Vahn as the person I spoke to in pm seems to be a different person than the one posting here today.

I would like to make it clear that these are not my words...

"the abused child is most likely to abuse others"



luv ya

Thnx again Pine

I would like to make it clear that these are not my words...

"the abused child is most likely to abuse others"

I don't recall saying that these were your words , but however , it is a known fact .

to be pleasing to You, first . . .

and then we can deal with a problem . . .

with You first getting at the root of it . . . deeper than we can know

so, that is right, ljd

I think of how Satan has abused all his children,
in one way or another. Abuse can be how
parents spoil their kids, do nothing but "love" them,
and then they are weak enough to suffer
about things not going their way
and the evil they discover is in this world.

There is weak love that does not have us
loving all people, but only the ones who love us >

"'For if you love those who love you,
what reward have you?'" (in Matthew 5:46)