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Survivor of Abuse
by Nocturnal1961 » Tue Apr 21, 2009 10:43 pm
Painful memories how they linger
How they ever scarred my soul.
In the stillness of the midnight,
Tears from past now still flow.
Absent Father, Screaming Mother.
Yellings and beatings everyday;
Rotten children they survived it,
But pain still lingers on today.
Painful memories, how they linger.
How they ever scarred my soul.
In the stillness of the midnight.
Tears from past now still flow.
Some songs just need to be rewritten for some. Why? because the verse in the original song hurts too bad when their Precious Father abandoned them and their Loving Mother beat her children and screamed at them everyday over how worthless and no good there were. According to my mother we were ng, no good, good for nothing never amount to nothing KIDS! We were rotten demon posessed KIDS, full of the devil just like our low down, good for nothing Dad. My mom would shake her finger at me and say "I was married for 8 years till you came along and after you came Tim, Winston, and Brian but you came first and started it all. If I could ever live life over again, I would never have KIDS! You ruined my marriage."
She beat us and we didn't like it but thinking back now beatins weren't bad. Her words were. People joked about locking kids in a closet but my mom would do that to us for real and I personally like being in the closet. That meant the beating was over. However her screaming wasn't
We seen her beat too and that was scary cause her boyfriend would yell at her saying he was going to kill all 4 kids in front of her eyes and then her. It was me and my brothers screaming during those times. He got drunk alot and he taught me to fear men. I was 9 or 10 when he put his hands where they did not belong. We got rid of him when we moved from Virginia to Michigan when I was 13.
Then my mom got a new boyfriend he didn't drink and he seem pretty nice for a couple years. I was 15 and school was out and I was going to go through driver's training at my school. In class the first day I was the only one that didn't raise my hand when the teacher asked if anyone had drove before. When class was over my peers ribbed me good over that. I went home crying and Shorty my mom bf said to not worry he would take me out that weekend and show me how to drive. I couldn't wait till the weekend. Well that weekend i lost my virginity to the 52 year old man. He took me some where to a wooded area and he never yelled at me but he hit me when i tried to get away and calmly said I could scream all I wanted no one would hear me. I left home a year later. I was homeless for a while but homelessness was not as bad as home.
Lucky for me I was only homeless for a summer when a family offered for me to live with them but to look after their 3 kids , clean their, house, and cook meals for my keep. They were my guinny pigs there cause I never cook much than make toast before so I that was first time I ever was allowed to cook. My mom never let me at home.
Well bible says " train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it. " I was train up to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that i was worthless and not like other people. I was born bad and so were my brothers. I term it now that some are born Jacobs and a few are born Esaus.
I recently watched Homeless to Harvard her family was very disfuctional too. It was her thoughts that i really caught my attention. she said I've always thought of the world as having skin around it. Most were on top of the skin but some of us were born beneath it. The one beneath could alway see the people on top and always desire to be like them but they were not.
I always described it as being like a child looking in a window all the normal people were on the other side of that window and you want to be like them but you can't.
In the movie Homeless to Harvard she said one of her goals was to stand beside another college grad and feel like she was no different than them and not beneath them.
I can relate to that too. I struggle constantly with feelings of worthlessness.
Why did God send my brother and I to such a home? It because some kids don't deserve love and need to know they are trash.
Why didn't God protect me from Lenard's hands or rape from shorty? Because I wasn't worth it?
Does Jesus love me? Of course he does. He love everyone right? Does he love me as much as others? I don't think so, but I want him to.
Are you wondering if I have salvation ? I do i got saved at 7 in a good church. However at 7 i thought salvation would make me perfect and that I could make my mom happy. I was wrong cause I couldn't do anything right.
Here's my take on the Publican and the sinner. The publican grew up in a loving home. his parents doted on him all his life. He was good and everything he did was good. Why if a teacher had something negative to say about them they were quick to put that teacher in his place. They were proud of their son and told everyone of his accomplishments. They were so blessed to have a son like him.
The sinner grew up in a broken home. His Dad had abandoned him and his mother and his mother blamed him for it cause he was rotten. He couldn't do anything right. no matter how many time she beat him he still couldn't do right. He was no good. If he did something good in school his mother was quick to point out how bad he was. she told everyone how bad her son was. She felt the curse of God to had such a son as him.
Thus when the publican prayed he had been told all his life how good he was that he could not see any sin in his life. The sinner though knew he was a sinner he was bad and born bad. therefore he could not even lift his eyes when he prayed.
Can I ever be freed from feelings of worthlessness?
How they ever scarred my soul.
In the stillness of the midnight,
Tears from past now still flow.
Absent Father, Screaming Mother.
Yellings and beatings everyday;
Rotten children they survived it,
But pain still lingers on today.
Painful memories, how they linger.
How they ever scarred my soul.
In the stillness of the midnight.
Tears from past now still flow.
Some songs just need to be rewritten for some. Why? because the verse in the original song hurts too bad when their Precious Father abandoned them and their Loving Mother beat her children and screamed at them everyday over how worthless and no good there were. According to my mother we were ng, no good, good for nothing never amount to nothing KIDS! We were rotten demon posessed KIDS, full of the devil just like our low down, good for nothing Dad. My mom would shake her finger at me and say "I was married for 8 years till you came along and after you came Tim, Winston, and Brian but you came first and started it all. If I could ever live life over again, I would never have KIDS! You ruined my marriage."
She beat us and we didn't like it but thinking back now beatins weren't bad. Her words were. People joked about locking kids in a closet but my mom would do that to us for real and I personally like being in the closet. That meant the beating was over. However her screaming wasn't
We seen her beat too and that was scary cause her boyfriend would yell at her saying he was going to kill all 4 kids in front of her eyes and then her. It was me and my brothers screaming during those times. He got drunk alot and he taught me to fear men. I was 9 or 10 when he put his hands where they did not belong. We got rid of him when we moved from Virginia to Michigan when I was 13.
Then my mom got a new boyfriend he didn't drink and he seem pretty nice for a couple years. I was 15 and school was out and I was going to go through driver's training at my school. In class the first day I was the only one that didn't raise my hand when the teacher asked if anyone had drove before. When class was over my peers ribbed me good over that. I went home crying and Shorty my mom bf said to not worry he would take me out that weekend and show me how to drive. I couldn't wait till the weekend. Well that weekend i lost my virginity to the 52 year old man. He took me some where to a wooded area and he never yelled at me but he hit me when i tried to get away and calmly said I could scream all I wanted no one would hear me. I left home a year later. I was homeless for a while but homelessness was not as bad as home.
Lucky for me I was only homeless for a summer when a family offered for me to live with them but to look after their 3 kids , clean their, house, and cook meals for my keep. They were my guinny pigs there cause I never cook much than make toast before so I that was first time I ever was allowed to cook. My mom never let me at home.
Well bible says " train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it. " I was train up to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that i was worthless and not like other people. I was born bad and so were my brothers. I term it now that some are born Jacobs and a few are born Esaus.
I recently watched Homeless to Harvard her family was very disfuctional too. It was her thoughts that i really caught my attention. she said I've always thought of the world as having skin around it. Most were on top of the skin but some of us were born beneath it. The one beneath could alway see the people on top and always desire to be like them but they were not.
I always described it as being like a child looking in a window all the normal people were on the other side of that window and you want to be like them but you can't.
In the movie Homeless to Harvard she said one of her goals was to stand beside another college grad and feel like she was no different than them and not beneath them.
I can relate to that too. I struggle constantly with feelings of worthlessness.
Why did God send my brother and I to such a home? It because some kids don't deserve love and need to know they are trash.
Why didn't God protect me from Lenard's hands or rape from shorty? Because I wasn't worth it?
Does Jesus love me? Of course he does. He love everyone right? Does he love me as much as others? I don't think so, but I want him to.
Are you wondering if I have salvation ? I do i got saved at 7 in a good church. However at 7 i thought salvation would make me perfect and that I could make my mom happy. I was wrong cause I couldn't do anything right.
Here's my take on the Publican and the sinner. The publican grew up in a loving home. his parents doted on him all his life. He was good and everything he did was good. Why if a teacher had something negative to say about them they were quick to put that teacher in his place. They were proud of their son and told everyone of his accomplishments. They were so blessed to have a son like him.
The sinner grew up in a broken home. His Dad had abandoned him and his mother and his mother blamed him for it cause he was rotten. He couldn't do anything right. no matter how many time she beat him he still couldn't do right. He was no good. If he did something good in school his mother was quick to point out how bad he was. she told everyone how bad her son was. She felt the curse of God to had such a son as him.
Thus when the publican prayed he had been told all his life how good he was that he could not see any sin in his life. The sinner though knew he was a sinner he was bad and born bad. therefore he could not even lift his eyes when he prayed.
Can I ever be freed from feelings of worthlessness?
-
Nocturnal1961
by phantomfaith » Wed Apr 22, 2009 12:35 am
Yes you can be freed from the feeling of worthlessness. One of the awesome things about Jesus is that he came for us. You and me, the so-called "worthless of the world". The sick, the heavy hearted, the beaten, the trash.
He knows that we are the ones that need healing. He said that those who think they can see are the blind and the true blinded, like you and me, are the ones who will be given sight.
This world is a cesspool. Thru the worlds eyes we are the garbage yet in Gods eyes the ones who feel their stink dont stink are the trash. Yet He is so merciful and loving He even died for them too.
Luke 10:21 In that hour Jesus rejoiced in spirit, and said, I thank thee, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes: even so, Father; for so it seemed good in thy sight.
22 All things are delivered to me of my Father: and no man knoweth who the Son is, but the Father; and who the Father is, but the Son, and he to whom the Son will reveal him.
23 And he turned him unto his disciples, and said privately, Blessed are the eyes which see the things that ye see:
24 For I tell you, that many prophets and kings have desired to see those things which ye see, and have not seen them; and to hear those things which ye hear, and have not heard them.
We are the babes and we are the ones who see things that kings and prophets longed to see because of Jesus love for us. We who were and are abused in this life will be royalty in Heaven. Think on these things and the troubles of this world mean nothing.
So glad you are here and welcome to a place that will not judge you nor condemn you for we all have skeletons in our closets and I applaud you for being open and expressing your feelings.
Dont stop please continue and you will see that God is the God of the fatherless and the widows and those of us who are hurt by this world.
Peace and Love to you
Not to put too much on you at once but check out this brand new study that helps us in our hope in the future
http://www.christianityoasis.com/HeavenlyHope/Forum.htm
He knows that we are the ones that need healing. He said that those who think they can see are the blind and the true blinded, like you and me, are the ones who will be given sight.
This world is a cesspool. Thru the worlds eyes we are the garbage yet in Gods eyes the ones who feel their stink dont stink are the trash. Yet He is so merciful and loving He even died for them too.
Luke 10:21 In that hour Jesus rejoiced in spirit, and said, I thank thee, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes: even so, Father; for so it seemed good in thy sight.
22 All things are delivered to me of my Father: and no man knoweth who the Son is, but the Father; and who the Father is, but the Son, and he to whom the Son will reveal him.
23 And he turned him unto his disciples, and said privately, Blessed are the eyes which see the things that ye see:
24 For I tell you, that many prophets and kings have desired to see those things which ye see, and have not seen them; and to hear those things which ye hear, and have not heard them.
We are the babes and we are the ones who see things that kings and prophets longed to see because of Jesus love for us. We who were and are abused in this life will be royalty in Heaven. Think on these things and the troubles of this world mean nothing.
So glad you are here and welcome to a place that will not judge you nor condemn you for we all have skeletons in our closets and I applaud you for being open and expressing your feelings.
Dont stop please continue and you will see that God is the God of the fatherless and the widows and those of us who are hurt by this world.
Peace and Love to you
Not to put too much on you at once but check out this brand new study that helps us in our hope in the future
http://www.christianityoasis.com/HeavenlyHope/Forum.htm
-
phantomfaith 
- Posts: 195
- Marital Status: Not Interested
by mlg » Wed Apr 22, 2009 11:59 am
Nocturnal 1961, welcome to the Oasis. So very glad to have you here. I must say after reading about all the pain in your lifetime, that my heart hurts for you. The sufferings were not easy, and many times I'm sure you felt all alone, but the truth is God was there with you the entire time. He never left you nor forsaked you. I'm sure you are questioning, then why did He allow this to happen to me, but the truth again is that these past pains were not God's doings. See the ones who did these things to you, were being controlled by the enemy, and he was the one who had these people doing these things. It was not of God's doing. God hurt for you everytime something happened. God now wants to heal you. He wants to bring peace and joy to your life.
I want you to know that we are here for you. We will listen and we will not judge. This has not been an easy journey for you, but know that it can get better. You can heal, and you can become new in the love of Christ.
Praying for you. Come visit us sometime in the chatroom.
Take care and God Bless
I want you to know that we are here for you. We will listen and we will not judge. This has not been an easy journey for you, but know that it can get better. You can heal, and you can become new in the love of Christ.
Praying for you. Come visit us sometime in the chatroom.
Take care and God Bless
-
mlg 
- Posts: 4428
- Marital Status: Not Interested
by bisonfan » Wed Apr 22, 2009 1:31 pm
After reading this for a second time and talking last night I think you are an incredibly strong lady with all you have gone through. I too have gone through severe abuse issues like I told you last night when my biological dad tried to kill me when I was a toddler and then living through so much abuse physically and emotionally. It is a hard journey to go on and at least we are not alone and there is one healer and that is Jehovah Rapha he will make us live again. I have to agree that abuse is hard sometimes I wanted more physical thanemotional because then it would go away quicker. Keep the faith and run to God when it gets hard there are many people here (trust me) who love you and want to help.
-
bisonfan
by lizzie » Sat Apr 25, 2009 4:39 pm
Hi nocturnal 
I just wanted to welcome you to the Oasis I have read your thoughts, and I am so thankful our Lord led you here.
You have been thru so very much... but you hold on to the promises of God. He will bring good out of the bad that has been inflicted upon you.
Dont allow what has happened to you in your past to keep you from the bright future God has in store for you. You cannot change the past, but you can choose to say NO when it threatens your future
Let go and let God
John 8: 36 If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.
Love and blessings to you in Jesus name
I just wanted to welcome you to the Oasis
I have read your thoughts, and I am so thankful our Lord led you here.
You have been thru so very much... but you hold on to the promises of God. He will bring good out of the bad that has been inflicted upon you.
Dont allow what has happened to you in your past to keep you from the bright future God has in store for you. You cannot change the past, but you can choose to say NO when it threatens your future
Let go and let God
John 8: 36 If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.
Love and blessings to you in Jesus name
-
lizzie
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