Christianity Oasis Forum

[wellswimmer]

I was encouraged to re-visit the step of 5 before completing 6. I did so. After much consideration and pondering and looking over that terrible list of possible problems that are causing my issues in this life... I believe that selfishness is probably the sin that drives my will, not HIS. Of course it's selfishness. I am amazed at how these work, and the comments made by loving and caring and compassionate Christians have helped ease my pain and facilitated a look at my own selfish nature. I believe that at the beginning of my life...having been abandoned (for good reasons) by my biological mother probably had its own affect on my life. Even if subconscious. I had to have known that my "mother" had let me go. My adoptive mother, my "real" mother in my heart.... was a good mom, but I know for certain that she also did not really bond with me. In all the pictures I can see it. She has this child that is not of her own flesh and while she has been a loving mom... there was that connection always missing. My brother (also adopted) felt the same brunt of that rejection but his was more severe and she was most unkind to him. He died about 6 years ago of alcoholism... alone and broken on a city sidewalk in front of a church. My dad loved us... me included... but I could never quite please him enough. I don't know that he was ever happy with any accomplishment of mine. I loved him deeply. He also is gone now. I think perhaps these seeds came to grow into a desperate neediness to be loved. And my selfishness stopped at nothing to get that feeling. I did make a break with that desperate thing through another Christian ministry... Celebrate Recovery. As I noted before... I have been celibate for a number of years and there have been 0 men in my life romantically. Though I did date a small bit, I never felt attracted or desperate to have any of these men in my life. I thought then I was done with this.

Now I am 56 years old with 5 grown children. I have been walking with Jesus daily and this summer had a very dear connection to the Holy Spirit as I struggled to make sense of my attraction to this man now. I have prayed and been faithful in devotions. I asked GOD for a very specific man who would need me.... not the other way around. The man who is in my life now... whom I am struggling over ... I can not be sure this is from GOD. I asked for a "sign"... a fleece from him that would show me that GOD would bless this partnership. I have not seen this sign. I also have to relate.. I have not been in this man's company once since the second day of this study. Though we communicate several times a day.

Now step 6....... Most of these things I do already. I pray, I relinquish, and I ask my Lord for help, protection, and guidance. This is from this morning's devotions:

TANGLED SKEINS "In quietness and confidence shall be your strength" ISA. 30:15 - Feel that... trust Me. Am I not leading you safely, faithfully? Will you believe Me, your Master, that all this is really to bring the answer to your prayers? Remember that I am the Supreme Being who knows all and can control all. Directly you put your affairs, their confusion, their difficulties, into My Hands I began to effect a cure of all the disharmony and disorder. You must know that I shall cause you no more pain in the doing of it than a physician, who plans and knows he can effect a cure, would cause a patient. I will do all as tenderly as possible. Tell Me that you trust Me in this.

I trust Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and the Almighty Lord GOD to accomplish this in my life. I am too weak at this point to do it myself. It must either be HIM or nothing.

[Jamie808]

Dear Wellswimmer,
You are definitely "on the grow." I can sense some spiritual momentum as you faithfully carry on with your study.
God is SO GOOD, SO FAITHFUL, SO LOVING, SO PATIENT, SO KIND, SO FAITHFUL. He is our great physician. I smiled inside when you ended today's entry by saying you "were too weak" to do what God has put in front of you to do. Praise Jesus ! Isn't that exactly the place He wants us in to hear His voice ?

God Bless You Sister
Jamie