Christianity Oasis Forum

[MzBrown]

I am brand new here. Just got my approval last night! I have been reading posts and have learned quite a bit. Thanks everyone for that. Now, I need help (serious help) of my own.

In 2005, I married the love of my life. This was my third marriage and his second. My other 2 ended in divorce (I was young when I first married and my second marriage ended after my husband's mistress called me 2 days after our marriage to tell me that she too was pregnant by him) his ended in the death of his wife. We were very happy together for the first 2 years of our marriage and then things got bad. He started taking me for granted, never listened to my needs, never had any interests in what was going on with me. He is a great person, just wasn't a great husband. After 5 years of going through the motions of trying to fix the problems and make things work I gave up. As embarrassed as I am to admit it, I went outside my marriage and had an affair. My marriage ended, my affair turned into a relationship and we have been getting along great. After almost a year in the relationship, I found out that my boyfriend was once a heavy drug user (recovering addict) and he had a backslide. We never spent any time away from each other except when he was out of town working, but he spent two nights away from home in a week. He said he didn't want me to see him that way. During the same week, I found out that he had been married and still were!!! We put a lot into our relationship, he has been there for me and I have been there for him. When we first started dating, he told me that he had never been married and did not have any kids. So when I found out that he actually was still married, I was devastated. He said he could not tell me for fear of losing me. He is a Christian and says that he has realized that drugs is not the way out of his problems and says he is committed to staying clean. I am trying to move past this - he has been separated from his wife for over 8 years - trying to help him get his divorce and move on. I am just having so many mixed feelings, like maybe God is punishing me for committing adultery. But on the second hand, he treats me like a queen and is truly the best man that I have ever dated. I'm so confused! I have asked God to lead me to where he wants me to be and guide my footsteps. I truly believe that God will bring me through this, I just need prayer. Sorry this was so long...

Thanks

[dema]

A man who will lie about one thing will usually lie about many things. Fear is not a good reason for lying. But in my mind there isn't a good reason.

Lying and drugs are both ways of not facing things. It sounds like he really just does not want to face life. If your relationship is new and he doesn't feel like you are really his, he may be being good to you in a way that will go away once he feels confident. Falling in love is a kind of high. and so is sex when the relationship is new. Those highs diminish with time.

I had two divorces from husbands who said they were Christian. One of them later changed his tune. The other one never seemed to find Christianity to be particularly important. How important does this man find Christianity? Ever catch him praying when he didn't know you were looking? Does he leave his Bible around at different places? Does he drag you out of bed to go to church? Does he go at all? Is he involved in volunteer work?

It's easy to say what someone else wants to hear. Living it is another matter.

I think perhaps you need a lot of reassurance. The men who tend to give a lot of reassurance are men who need reassurance themselves. Two people who both have self-confidence issues tend to have difficulty making it beyond a couple of years. At first they give each other what they both need, but then they both start seeing what they don't like about themselves in the other person. Things then tend to fall apart. Could this be you?

Hugs honey. Feel free to tell me where I am wrong. I can take it.

[MzBrown]

Thanks Dema! He always say this is the longest relationship he has been in and he wants to move forward and he loves me deeply. I'm not good at working at things. I feel that if it just doesn't "happen", it was not meant to be. I have been through so much in my life that I will not lose sight of what makes me happy and what's best for me. I'm not selfish, but I know what I do not have to put up with. I am self-confident, years of therapy helped with that. He is not. He knows that I will not tolerate nonsense. I can't say that he is Christian because I don't really know, I believe that he is. I do know that he prays with me, we study together and he actively attends church with me (he joined my home church and joined our male choir). Your post really helped me and I truly appreciate you taking the time to help me get through this. I want to just give up and we go our separate ways.

[mlg]

Hello MzBrown,

Welcome to the Oasis! We are just delighted to have you here with us. My goodness...how I can so relate to some of the things you have shared here. I have been single now going on 10 years. My ex cheated on me and I ended up leaving and he has since married the lady he cheated on me with. So through the past 10 years, I have dated here and there...but for whatever reasons the relationships have never worked out...one of the reasons I feel is that I love Jesus so very much, and I want to find someone else who loves Him like I do...and sadly that just seems to be hard. My last relationship I was in was a year and a half relationship. The man I dated came with a lot of baggage, and it ended up that he was not good for me...in a few different ways. I found that it was best that we parted ways, as God has to be first and foremost in my life, and this man would try to draw me away from doing the things with God that I enjoyed. I am currently seeing someone new...but it's not really a relationship yet, as we are just getting to know one another...May God's will be done for us both....Never settle for anything less than God in your life MzBrown. Men sometimes come and go in life...but God is always stable.

I will keep you and your friend in prayer...May God's will be done for the both of you.

Take care.

[MzBrown]

Thanks mlg! I really appreciate your post. I am having such a hard time with this situation. Thanks, we need all the prayers we can get.

[dema]

Pray and follow the peace. And if you know you should do something, then be honest about that.

I'm glad he is seeking God. That is a good sign. But that isn't the whole answer all by itself.

God bless.

[MzBrown]

Thanks Dema.