Christianity Oasis Forum

[Hailey]

I gave my heart to Jesus when I was 5. My parents were in the ministry and I was a "good" Christian girl. I graduation high school and went to Bible College, hoping to be in the ministry. I got engaged to a guy who was emotionally messed up and that ended up not working out. When I got back home from the Bible College/broken engagement experience, I was devistaed. I didn't know which direction my life would take. All my friends were married and there were no christian prospects for marriage and I felt I was destined to be alone. I was so very lonely. I started dating a guy from my work and insisted we would just be friends. He said he gave his heart to God and now 11 years later, I am married to him. He wants nothing to do with God. I feel just as as alone if not more than I did before I found this man. Going to church alone has taken it's tole. I hate trying to drag 2 little kids to church wondering if they are going to sit through the service or I'll have to stand out in the hallway anyway...the empty seat beside me. I don't fit with the single people. I don't fit with the married people who are coming to church as a family. I don't fit anywhere. I can't get plugged in because my job with rotating hours and shfits causes me to have trouble getting to church at all and forget joining anything extra because I work various nights. And even if I were to be able to go - my husband works rotating shifts too and finding child care is difficult. I feel like I'm stuck in this void. I missionary dated and became unequally yoked with a man who gave the perception that God was important to him. Now, I'm living with that mistake in my face EVERY DAY. Knowing I disappointed God EVERY DAY with my one ridiculious decision that changed my life forever. My husband is an emotinoal roller coaster and is either mad or glad. I walk around on egg shells, because he never gets mildly annoyed with ANYTHING. He gets angry and verbally abusive. I have no biblical reason to divorce him, but life is miserable. The weird thing is that he is fine. He has his mad spurts and then acts like nothing ever happened. Happy as a clam for a few days before he does it all over again. I'm out of touch with church. I'm out of touch with God. I'm definately out of touch with my husband. I need a miralce. I don't want my kids growing up in a house where they are afriad to spill a glass of milk and they watch their father verbally berate their mother. I don't want them thinking that is ok. I know God doesn't want me to be a doormat and I am a people pleaser and need to get a backbone. I will apologize for things that aren't my fault for the sake of peace. I do this because at least if I say it's my problem, I can do something to fix it. It's easier then trying to get an arrogant prideful man to try to admit he needs to change something to promote peace in the house. I have to stop doing it and I don't know how.

[vahn]

Hello Hailey

Welcome to the Oasis , and welcome to CCCC . From what I read , you are in the right place .

We all , at one point or another , and for whatever "reason(s)" , we make a , what seems to be a wrong decision , and next thing we know , we're "disapointing" God , or other people or what have you , but , the truth of the matter is , that we are the ones disappointed , and what's worse , is that we blame ourselves for the "wrong" decision .
Well , here's another truth , people will say anything and do everything to gain our confidence , and that is just the way it is . We "buy" into it , and end up with a lemon .
Here's how I deal with situation like that . I hold them up to what the claimed to be , either act up what you claimed , or , hit the road Jack time . Of course that is not always easy . but here's the thing , these steps are the way to find out why we don't do it .

I will apologize for things that aren't my fault for the sake of peace.

Gave me a bit of a clue .

Once again , welcome aboard , there will be other people comming in and help out as well . You are on the right track , just keep plugging in . and oh ... by the way , God's not disappointed .


In Christ , our Lord
vahn

[Hailey]

Thank you for the feedback. It's nice to hear some. Through my past 9 years of struggle with marriage and my relationship with God and feeling discouraged about things most of the time. I feel like I'm burdening people when I talk about it and unfortunately I'm a very verbal person and it eats me if I can't talk about it. This seems to be a good outlet where people can reply if they want but don't feel obligated to listen to me ramble. I love God with all my heart and I want my life to look so much different than it does. Unfortunatley I have a personality that likes to feel and think and feel and think and feel and think some more. I'm a people pleaser so I feel frozen/paralized with all kinds of ideas but I have no where to START. I'm hoping this is the first step in DOING something. Unfortunatley it seems like some of the changes that I want to make are going to be impossible because of the responsibilities I have. I have a crazy job with a rotating schedule and so does my husband so it's hard to commit to anything on a regular basis. Plus I have to little children who are my priority. I am praying that God will show me what changes I am ABLE to make that will please him because I'm coming up empty. I want to change everything. I don't want to be the same anymore. I'm tired of looking at previous journal entries from years ago and seeing the same problems. Bless God there has got to be more.