Christianity Oasis Forum

[Lionhearted]

Spoil your spouse.....not your children.

Unknown author

[Dora]

Amen! Amen! Amen!

[Lionhearted]

[mcpeak]

Spoil our spouses, if only mine would let me spoil her. And I wouldn't know how to act if she even gave me the time of day and would probably pass out from shock if she began to actually spoil me by being affectionate.

[Dora]

mcpeak that must really hurt.

Sounds like there are some things going on inside of her that are not yet understood. Her past bothering her possibly? I think I remember you saying something about her having an abusive past. Maybe I'm wrong?

Show her Jesus. Look up 1 corinth 13 and practice those attributes of love towards her. And pray, pray, pray.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Hey MC,
I just want to encourage you to spoil her anyway,
I know your feelings because I just left a relationship with my wife and she was the same way but I did those little (and big) things trying to spoil her and it was the same as for me not feeling too spoiled BUT in the end I know I did the best at spoiling her no matter what she gave me in return because that's not the reasons I spoiled her it was because I enjoyed doing it, I know I know it would be better if it was both ways but some people are not programed (by God) to be givers or servers.
Please know that my wife is a Good woman as I'm sure yours is also and I don't want it to sound as if I'm running her down or blaming her for our breakup, THAT was my doing!!
Please just remember "love her as Christ loved the church....and remember how the church treated Him.
God bless

[Vkmama]

I was married for 11 years and with my ex for a total of 25 years and he never spoiled me. It seems that some couples end up with the wrong spouse, though I loved my ex, he certainly had his heart fixed on the wrong things. He kept me with him by threatening me with God's word. I would have love to have been loved. That would have kept us together! Instead I was abused. Now I have a boyfriend that tries to spoil me, but in the wrong way. I want to be spoiled with love, romance, genuine love hugs, snuggling, and feeling the emotions. It would be euphoric, but not everyone is geared for that kind of expression. In my heart, I don't think we will work out successfully because in the end, things have never been my 'thing'. Sure I love gifts, but give them to me in a special romantic way and I'll cherish it that much more.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Hey VK
That is where I failed also was the simple hug at the door when she came home from work and the words how was your day and actually care for a response.
don't get me wrong I had my moments....like she made comments of how she hated the wall paper in our living rm so we where at lowes and I got some idea of what she liked and one day when she left for work (i pretended I was going in late) I tore our living rm apart sealed and painted it and put it back together BEFORE she got home. and on our 10th aniv. I stood in front of the 300+ church and told her how much I loved her and asked if she would remarry me on the spot!! I would ALWAYS buy her flowers and such on the proper occasions and take her to dinner.....BUT I sometimes forgot the simplest pleasures was the things she needed most, so it must be a man thing, I have come to learn of how differently men and women are when it comes to the thinking process and how we look at certain things.
please don't blame us too much we just can't help it we tend to "not think outside the box" so to speak.
God bless and good luck with this man you are with now, I hope he wises up and treats you as the gift from God that you are!!

[Dora]

Hi VK When he gets you things remind yourself it's because he is trying to show you he loves you. It's difficult to find love these days.

So he doesn't understand right now what says to you, you are cherished. Prayer and time can change that.

How are you doing in showing him in his love language that you love him?

My spouse did the same thing. He'd buy me things. I realized I was wishing he'd show me he loved me in the way that makes me feel loved, with out stopping to realize I don't show him that I love him in the way that makes him feel loved. Now I love to see the look on his face and feel his spirit soar when I give him something I've bought for him.

GB

[mcpeak]

But what about the scripture that says when we both leave our parents we are to become one? Maybe I've just got it all wrong about what it means by one. I feel it means that we love each other so much that we never like being apart for long. That when we are apart we think of each other, crave to be back with each other and to be in each others arms. Maybe I'm just dreamin. I dream of a love with my wife that is like we would both die inside if we could not be together anymore. A love where when we are in each others arms alone the love we feel that flows between us is so strong that it takes us away, to a safe place that feels so good, away from the cold mean world. I'd love to be so close to her that I hear her heartbeat and just focus on it knowing each beat is for me and mine for her. I have tried so many times, talking to her about it, praying about it, going to counseling at church and other places. I've begged, I've demanded, I've asked what it is that I'm doing wrong, I've told her the way I truly feel, that I can not, will not live the rest of my life alone especially when I have a woman as beautiful as she is within arms reach at night but in reality as far away from me as the moon. Even though she understands and realizes this may eventually break us up, nothing has changed. A person can only take so much rejection. After so long I myself have begun to build walls around my heart and I'm afraid at this point if by some miracle she was to begin returning the love and affection I'm not sure I would be able to accept it like I used to. It's not as easy as flipping a switch. I try my best to be still and pray every day listening for Gods' soft voice to tell me what He wants me to do. So far He has not answered. Maybe the insanity from loneliness and the continued dream I hold on to of being one with my wife is drowning out His voice. I just don't know anymore. I do know I can't live this way much longer.

[Vkmama]

This guy is a good guy but he is so different than me. When he does things for me I do tell him I appreciate it, but can't help to feel the way I do. The way that he attracted me was by being very attentative, romantic, and loving, even heroic, then I moved in and everything stopped dead cold. He was misrepresenting himself. This is what I can't get past because it is like trickery. Don't get me wrong, he has been a friend for half my life and I care enough to say I love him, but my disappointment runs deep. Now I'm not able to do anything about it, and it bothers me because I was married to a man who was verbally and mentally abusive for so many years. Though this man knows everything, still I can tell that he doesn't realilze that my mind and heart needs restored.

[Dora]

Hi mcpeak. Those thoughts are how a marriage should be, but often isn't, yet can be. Though we all have times even in the best of marriages where we feel as if we aren't one yet two with very different life styles. Have you considered a 3rd party to help the two of you talk things through. Sometimes when there is someone else there to hear what a partner has to say it causes them to really listen.

Vkmama I am sorry things changed. I'm not sure if there's a relationship this hasn't happened to some extent. It's apart of relaxing. Like when you come home you feel comfy and want to relax, where as when you are at another persons house you aren't as relaxed. He's at home with you. Sounds like he's also lost the reason to pursue you. We as females tend to want to be pursued, made feel special, even years within a relationship. We want our knight in shining armor to continue to be our knight through out the relationship. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Just means your relationship has gone from Knight and princess to King and Queen. Do you have fun together? Play? My husband and I have been married nearly 20 years. We still act like kids towards each other. We've been known to do things like squirt the other with the kitchen sprayer, to dumping a cold glass of water over the shower when the other is enjoying a nice hot shower, even playing a game of chase or silly things like throwing candy at each other or tickling each other. Cherish the moments. You never know when that moment may be the last. Make it one you'll smile about when you think back on it.

If there is love then there is definitely reason to fight with all you have to save the relationship. If there's no feeling of love when there once was then we need to take a look at what we can do to restore it, instead of looking at what the partner needs to do to restore it. We can't change them. We can only work on us and let God deal with them. Which I'm sure you know.

prayer, prayer, and then more prayer
Pray together, pray while apart, pray for him/her while driving, while showering, while doing dishes, while at work, or mowing the lawn.
Pray for God to show you what He wants You to do to help the relationship become a union.