Christianity Oasis Member Forum & Chat Room

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The roller coaster to sin and back.What an appropriate title.Roller coasters eventually stop,you get off and someonelse hops on.Or they don't.Whose to say?Are roller coasters only for the strong and the brave or must we all ride at least one in our lives?For some,like myself,it is many.The fast ups and downs,the twists and turns,the unpredictabilty?Is that even a word?I don't know.I aced in English but there's alot I missed.I didn't learn "everything" there was to ever learn nor do I claim to or want to.It's my life.The life my father,the Lord,gave me.I was born into this world innocent and untainted but the world I was born into was hardly free from sin.I wished that I had been born into a much less hectic,abusive in every way,chaotic,seemingly unstable world.I do suppose though had I had the opportunity to have been bore into a "perfect" world,I would never meet my Creator.I think,alot.I'm compassionate,often.I love the most simple things in life.Their safe,beautiful,steadfast and loyal in their very existence.Flowers,a rainy day and the birds coming into the yard to eat the food I left out for the stray cat.I've been there all too many times.The prayers,the confusion,the pressure of the known and unknown,the dwindling faith,my falls from grace and back again.Finding most don't understand but hoping someone does.Hope.What a funny word in itself.It's kept me going many times but never quite given me a complete happiness or serenity I much desire.I wish..Another phrase I must have said about a million times over or better in my life so far.I wish like a kid.Do wishes really come true or is everything just luck of the draw I would ask myself as I waited in anticipation to see if what I had wished for would come true.A happy childhood.It did not.The boy in junior high that I had a crush on.Boys.ok,there were a couple.I always seemed to want what I couldn't have growing up.Why?I was nice I thought.I wasn't a Mensa student but I certainly wasn't in a low intelligence bracket either.My hair was curly.I had always hated it.The more "pretty" girls in school had long straight,free flowing hair.Their teeth were perfectly straight.They were always on the thin side.I had been blessed/cursed as I saw it, with a set of curves that would always make me feel "fat" or uncomfortable.I just wanted a way out.A way out of who I was,my home life,the authority I felt had failed me miserably.I wanted to run away far,far far away.Where no one would find me and I would be loved and safe.This place would not exist for most of my life hard as I searched for it.One hill after another.Up,down.Up,down.Would I even know what to do with a "normal" life if I had been fortunate enough to have it within my reach?I totally wasn't sure.I had never known anything concrete and "safe" at the same time.I sit here in this moment and look back at my life as a whole.What a blur!Someone get the windex please.I cannot see out these windows.I've sinned.I'm a sinner.I've "backslid".I've asked for forgiveness.I'm judged.I'm looked at.I'm watched but by who?Was it really happening or was it just demons playing tricks on my mind?I'm human.That's what I think.I hear people say it.Is it an excuse to keep doing what we do or is it the actual truth?Does it matter?It doesn't seem to bother me.I know my heart is right in God.Can I handle things differently in my life as a Christian?Why do I resort back to my old ways?How can I stay strong around non-Christians and sin when it comes to tempt?I know.I know the answer.It is stated God will provide an "out" when temptation comes a knocking.I search for it,I find it but how much longer can I hold on?I've had a few things in my life I held dear and for different reasons they were stripped away.I've learned not to get too close.I've learned not to love too deeply.I've learned to not trust.I'm a human being living amongst others who also sin and try to tear me apart like the prey a lion devours.They sin,I sin.Who wins?God does.Always.Forever.Can I bring my troubles and worries to the Lord?You betcha.Do I feel secure and safe in that?Sometimes.Honesty.Is it the best policy.Some say yes.Some disagree.I guess I've never had many options to not be honest as my foot always seemed to end up in my mouth.My mom..those words I can still hear.."Don't you ever think before you speak?"..Think about what?Filter out what I want to say to appease someonelse so I bury my true feelings or thoughts about something.I think not.I'm sorry but that just seems I would end up with a total migraine and feel very,very clogged up inside.But you don't seem to mind when it benefits you.I'm am not my own.I am not even your child.I am God's child.He allows me to be just who I am.He is my Father,my judge,my jury,my companion of companions and loves me to no end.How could I ever want to get off this roller coaster of life?I do.My mind desires rest.Rest from the wicked.Rest from repetitious sin.Rest from worry.Rest from feeling that ever there feeling that I am not "safe" for long wherever I may go.Lord,please help these feelings to ease up.Today,yesterday and always.I beg you.I need you Lord.I trust in You..I feel a sense of peace.Free to be me.Thank you Lord. ~Your Child

Good morning world I woke up around 7 something this morning to the sound of ----- getting ready for work.In my barely half awake/still asleep stage,I noticed it was still very dark in the living room although I had left the curtains open yesterday.Wasn't it supposed to be light out already?Ahhhhh...then I heard the big boom! and saw the many flashes of lightening bolt reflections on the wall.I called for davey to see if he was still in the house an he came in the living room where I had fell asleep."What baby?"he asked."Oh,nothing.I just wanted to see you".It's funny the things we say(or how I respond to things anyways)so early in the morning.He gave me a good morning kiss,a couple times even and I dozed back off,sorta.I was trying to fall asleep but awake at the same time because I had gotten a kiss so early in the morning.If I had been married,it would be a irreplacable,wonderful feeling to have someone endear me with a kiss early in the morn.But I'm Christian and we're not married.It half makes me happy but the other half is not overbearingly excited because I know where all that kissing can lead and I totally and completely,firmly and unfailingly believe,as a new being in Christian,born-agin Christian,it is NOT ok to have sexual relations before marriage.If you are reading this and wondered why I jumped so quickly from someone giving me a kiss to (we'll call this adult act "P.I." from here on out so if a youngin happens to read my journal in the future,their not staring at those words.journals are supposed to be all open and candid,yes,that is true but God's telling me to just change the word a tad and I can still continue with my personal thoughts and my life just as freely)P.I.,and my answer is 100% this.That is just how fast it can happen.Anything beyond a quick peck does not make me feel comfortable.As a matter of fact,i start getting very edgy if the person tries to continue that I'm in a relationship with.I end up having to spell out my belief system and WHY I do not find heavy kissing appropriate.Of course I get a confused look and I'm quite sure,not so great feelings towards me at the moment for keeping my ground.I say it like this and have and if he loves me AND respects me,he will wait until we are married to try to go any further.I talked to my mom about it and she gave me her advice/opinion but she knows I'm no ordinary gal."You're just like you're father!"(referring to my biological dad who died in 2005)Anyhoo,i explained to her the pressure I was somewhat feeling and told her I felt it was the devil coming through him to break down the walls of Christ within me.To go through the person I love,activate his human desires and I just know because for one,I'm not stupid,2.I know "that look" when a guy is wanting,hoping or whatever for P.I.,and you know?It actually ticks me off.My mom says,"Well,you dont think he drove all the way here to pick you up,take you back there and only want a friendship do you?"..I said,"wer'e not just friends mom!We ARE a couple".I declared.She said,"i dont know what to tell you Jami-Lynn"(the ole middle name when she's trying to let me know she's serious and doesnt plan on putting anymore input in whatever the topic is were discussing)I tell her,"Yes you do mom.I know exactly what you're trying to say.I told him BEFORE I came here and matter of fact when we first started "talking"..I AM A CHRISTIAN..I AM AGAINST PREMARITAL SEX FOR MYSELF and NO!Everything's not going to just change because I'm here now."She says,"What does he think about it?"in such a way I knew what she was really meaning but wasnt coming out and saying which was,"do you realize if you DONT have P.I.,he'll probably lose interest".Man,that just ticked me off to no end and for a couple of reasons...One,because my mom was right.Aren't mom's always?Ok,not always but usually.Yes,the "average man" will eventually get tired of thinking about it or trying and getting nowhere and start to distance themselves or become less interested in spending time with you,being their usually loving self,etc if P.I. doesnt eventually happen(nowadays,it's not even eventually.most want it pretty much upfront when you begin dating.So I was getting very irritated with her and started feeling the pressure Satan was wanting me to feel.What I had been feeling off and on.If there's no P.I.,the one I do love and care about,will start drifting away in hopes of someonelse that will.I don't know what to tell you.i already told you if I even got to the point i,myself,felt i couldnt resist the temptation,i would feel so beyond dirty afterwards and i guarantee you the relationship wouldnt be the same again on my part because I would feel,you should have thought about the situation you were putting me in KNOWING full and well! how I feel about all that.enuff said.i will not say no more about P.I. to you(the person)but we better be getting married soon if we feel/believe or have faith,aside from that only issue we have,that we do want to and the LORD wants us to commit to each other for life,let's git er done so we are not living in sin or the potential for their to be.My mom brought it up before I even brought that part up to her.she totally agrees although she's not Christian.She just knows how strongly I feel about that and I know she wants me to be happy with someone and a relation/commitment she doesnt have to worry about me in.My mom knows I wont back down so she worries.That's what mom's do.But don't worry mom.The Lord,my Saviour won't let anything happen to me or those that I love.Remember the passage in the Bible mom where the enemy tries to come up against God's people by stealing their mates/spouses and trying to take their land and homes and God gives them all the power in the world to bring them down because of their determined faith and loyalty to Him?That's what would happen mom.i know you wory.I worry too sometimes about it BUT it's all going to be ok.it's always ok and so much better than when GOD is put first.I am happy mom even when I'm miserable.i'm safe when I feel I'm not.I don't fret losing the One I love.God has him too and is working on and through Him too.God,my eternal saviour.My friend like no other.He has my back and my life mom.don't you worry. ~Your child

viewing the destruction firsthand..I must admit.I'm not one to normally try to keep up with the news or world events.I haven't in years due to most all of it never being anything good.The world is already filled with so much negativity.Why would I want to allow it in my home?Well,it wasn't my home I was in 2 weeks ago.A day off work with nothing to do.Bored,as I usually was so I decided the weather channel was "innocent" enough.I sat on here and chatted in the retreat with Davey and a few others while partially trying to listen to the television.Storms,tornadoes everywhere it seemed that day.Nashville,Tennessee.Not in the state I was in.The weatherman was giving the people warnings to get out of their homes immediately.It didn't affect me I thought so I continued on chatting.But I kept listening and the tv seemed to be repeating the "same stuff".I was about to get up and change the channel when I looked at the radar and noticed the storm pattern was still! on the same spot.This was about an hour after I turned it to The Weather Channel even.I was beginning to feel as you probably are reading this."He's saying the same thing.I'm losing interest in this."I thought something was wrong with the station.How could storms be stuck AND went right back over the same exact spot??I got goosebumps and remember saying aloud,"Man,them poor people are getting hammered."Interstates closed,cars underwater,water as high as the rooftops the weatherman was saying.I seriously thought he was exaggerating a little.I kept it on that station for the remainder of the day just doing my thing around the house UNTIL later on,they were reporting people trapped in their cars trying to escape..Here in America this was happening?Naaaa..This is the type of stuff you hear about in Haiti or from hurricanes.Not from "just rain"(Please take a minute of your time to see what we saw.. the video footage is on my profile)..So,to wrap this up...the rest of the week went by.I moved here to Indiana and was bored again one day so I went on YouTube and searched for the Nashville flooding so I could see what all the "hype" was about.Oh my gosh!I could not believe what I was seeing.I told Davey earlier last week I really wanted to go down there and offer my help somehow.There had to be SOMETHING I could do to help.He looked at me rather strangely and said,"Oh really?You really want to do that?"I said,"Yep".My mind was made up.I told him to let me know by Wednesday(the next day,)if he decided he really didn't want to go and I would "understand".Everything in my voice and emotions told him differently though.He knew it was a "had to be done" deal.HOW could we not help people who had lost family members,everything they owned??.We went to Walmart and bought 2 rakes.One for each of us.We planned to do "just yard clean up".If you talk to Davey in chat,let him know how wonderful it was of him to help them..He was down there helping a grandchild.no older than 14, using a prybar to gut the floors of their home and work we had not planned for.We came across a woman who was raising her grandchildren and trying to get food from Grace Church of the Nazarene but the guy had told her she would have to come back the next day.I stood there a sec,fumbled in my pockets and found $7.00.I walked over to her and gave her a 5 and told her,"Here.God bless you.I know I'd freak out if I found out my own grandchild wasn't eating.I wish I had more."She thanked me over and over so I hugged her.We rarely seen each other this weekend as he was doing the more manly work and I was going from house to house offering my assistance.It's an experience I won't forget anytime soon.Pray for those families please. ~Jami

to Bren: Yeah,it was worth the trip for sure.Other than getting upset a few times because we had to wait on the other volunteers to go into the area,it was a productive,most humbling memory.We both agreed going there made our lil rental home suddenly seem like a castle to come back home to.funny how God makes ya appreciate things we almost for certain take for granted ..Running water..long as your pipe isn't busted..them people don't have pipes..they dont even have a home!The hotel stays are funded by red cross and no guarantee on how long you can stay if you want to call that a home.what's the difference between that and a homeless shelter?not much@the uncertainty there, BUT it sure beats the other option@sleeping in the streets,under bridges,etc..Thank God for the organizations that pull through in our time of dire needs too..My grandma used to always say "The world's going to hell in a handbasket"(meaning EVERYTHING is bad and no good people are left).No,there are some good folks left as there are "bad folks'.pray for both I say and like was agreed earlier..especially the ones that it's hardest to..Can I get an amen? I get physically drained from constantly thinking of ways to "save the world",lol.I think they'll be another project down the road with a chance to help humanity but for now it's time to let the Lord allow me to rest.Have to recharge our "batteries" somehow.Prayer and rest.Prayer and rest.i'll get right on that

*listens to the dvd player play the same tune over and over in the other room*Yes, I put a movie in for our dog earlier and haven't had a chance between yardwork,taking him for a walk and you name it to put a movie in I want to see Who does that?I know a couple people offline in my days that have done that.Surely not trying to copy anyone as I think being our own YOUnique(i like that word B.pretty cool)self is the best way to go.Do animals really know what their watching on t.v.?..and how do you know if they do or don't?..See..I knew it..you know of an animal,maybe even you're own who thinks he's a human being.Do you talk to him/her like one?Does your pet go everywhere you go?Jake pretty much does.Do we order him take out food to go?ummm,no.would Davey though?(mums the word there)Ok,ok.i MIGHT do something like that.Not likely though unless I was convinced everyone I knew personally wasnt short on food or struggling that way.Food..a word that seems to catch so much attention ive noticed recently and not in a good way either(what i witness).i keep it simple.If you have leftovers and know a struggling family or friend,give it to them.Got too many cans in your cupboard?Donate them.Call 211 in your area.they should be able to refer you to some place that needs it.Call someone from this site.they might even be able to tell you how to help out if you're unsure but want to make some kind of difference.Something a little more simpler and closer to home.An individual that lives alone and you can tell no one comes around to help them with their yardwork,getting their mail,etc.PRAYER,PRAYER,PRAYER.I pray quite a bit but need to actually focus more intently on what God says back to me and not get so caught up in the day/s."Easier said than done"...Who said it was ever going to be easy? Life is easy?Why wasn't I made aware of that?Did I get in the wrong line for a "perfect" life?Nope.i'm right where God wants me to be.Am I talking to myself on this journal?lol..Probably looks that way but no.my life has always for the most part been an open book.so i write.and i write some more.and eventually all my current thoughts are out and i feel like i took a mental exlax.Letting the Lord cleanse my mind,body and soul in a harmless fashion.journaling.thanks to whomever came up with that idea.gotta go.dinner time

for my counseling blog and ive chosen to put it in my journal also,ok?Thank you.you are so wonderful ......Here goes> All better now we think.Or I know that defines me.We have a "condition".We get prescribed medications from a doctor.we take them for a bit,start feeling "better" then we stop.Wer'e cured.back to "normal" or so we think anyways.X amount of time goes by and we start to feel a little more how we did before we made that appointment to get medicine for whatever ails us.For alot of folks with physical conditions or terminal illnesses AND insurance,this probably doesn't happen so much.Probably,key word.it's just my guess based on people I've known in the past that had to take lifelong medications.To avoid a major political debate I'll skip any thoughts I really have on why ANYONE with an ailment cannot get insurance.That is before their too sick or already dead.(ALOT of people I knew applying for disabilty,etc and it gets drawn into one court hearing and denial after another.What if they have NO other income but the one their TRYING to keep up with...work..while their sick too?How long do you think that is going to last for?Ohhhh...And they applied for disability in the meantime WHILE their working.That's right.Turn them down for needing an income to have just THE BASICS in the meantime.FOOD,TOILET PAPER,FOOD FOR THEIR CHILDREN,SOME KINDA ROOF OVER THEIR HEAD.Been there.I've applied for social security,etc,etc within the last 10 years twice and get the lovely response,DENIED..."You're working.You must obviously not be too sick."In so many words. Excuse me Mr. Government.Do you expect me to lay down and die while I'm waiting for help??..."Yes we do."..End of story..In a "perfect world" I'm told and am quick to recite in a deemed situation for lack of my real non-christian feelings about it all...I have a bi-polar/autistic son.He has a more than documented history of his illness and yet I found myself for 7 years getting turned down to aide him.He was not a child you could comfortably go to work and not be called from a teacher 30 times a week or have a neighbor be coming to your door complaining."Do you know what your son just did?".."No but apparantly you do.Enlighten me please."(with serious sarcasm in my voice and a look you don't want to mess with)DON"T complain to me about my child.I know He has problems and WHY.Now if you'll so kindly write the state yourself and tell them what you're witnessing,maybe they'll get on the ball and we can do something about it TOGETHER.Well,in those days there was no "togetherness".Raising every single one of my kids by myself and although the one felt like I was raising an extra 5 most days after he entered into pre-school,i did not regret a single moment of never giving up the fight for him(Sam)He now lives with his father and to this day has not gotten approved for disability he very clearly needs.It's out of my hands now BUT over the last few years,I,as an adult,got a little taste of what my son went through but with slightly different variations.I have A.D.D.A nightmare for a child and their parents quite often if you ask around.But as an adult and with more older fashioned ways AND a very strong belief in God and what he can do?It's not so bad.Until your bran gets wayyyy ahead of itself.or you're sitting on your couch at night with 5 books in front of you and 2 glasses.One with water,another with orange juice.Or the very fun finding something to wear for the day.I look in my closet.Before I know it I have 3 outfits laying on the bed.i look at them for a few minutes trying to figure out which one to wear.Start getting irrtated then put them all back but maybe 1 shirt.And end up putting on pants that,if I tried to run around the block in them,would surely be down to my ankles before I left the back yard.So you're reading this and think you've went through some of that too.Don't rush out and try for an A.D.D. diagnosis or wonder if you are.Wait until you find yourself working 2 jobs or volunteering to work 14-16 hours a day and not because you have to.You've become a "workaholic" or already were one.(if you look at your own history)Tehn you get your paycheck and hit the bars up Friday night.Why?Your mind can't slow down so you then become an alcoholic.Here comes Sunday.now you're shopping for clothes for work BUT you end up buying a bunch of stuff you know darn well you don't fit and clothes for next fall when it's still March just because "their on sale"??Not because you seriously don't have enough clothes already even.Ta da!you're now a shopaholic.And there's kids in tow.buy for them too.they have plenty of EVERYTHING already as well but...it's on sale.oh now your nerves are "shot".Time to go to the doctor's and get something for that.he prescribes Xanax and you're taking it "as prescribed" 3 x's a day.Hmmm.it's no longer working and I feel "jittery".Let's go back and tell him how were feeling.Maybe we need something "different".Well,it becomes different alright.he ups the dose to a full 1 mg and prescribes it for 4! times a day or "as needed".Yeah,you wanna know how many addicts there are from starting out "as needed" on medications like Xanax that ARE scientifically proven to be HIGHLY addictive.The withdrawls if you run out after you've been on it for awhile?It's called an "18 hour peak".The time needed to be without it before you start experiencing HEROIN?? withdrawls physically??I've never touched a needle in my life and by the grace of GOD ONLY,will I for the rest of my life be able to say that(i've lost 2 brothers to direct heroin overdoses) and im going through THAT??Full blown grand mal seizures start,puking,foaming at the mouth like a dog.private ambulance at 911's discretion because they didn't think Life Flight could get me there quick enough.stay awake they said.No memory of being there at the hospital or the ride back home up until 1/2 way into it.I recall having no bodily control what so ever and our then car going around a curb and my shoulder was suddenly thrown out.now I find myself in alot of pain.i didnt go back to the hospital.I had had enough of them by then.no more..So years later I would eventually get a "diagnosis' of A.D.H.D,O.C.D, and any other D they felt like sticking on me..Well,guess what?I,having took child psych at stautzenberger college when i was 16,was already familiar with the whole "new generation labeling route".A band-aid effect to cover up the REAL underlying problems.An abusive/sexually abusive childhood,a violently abused adolescent years and running away at 14 and never returning home?You still think it's all those labels or could it be,that anyone that lives past the age of 5 and not fortunate to have been born into a loving,safe home will have "problems"??Labels??Save them seriously.But I'll go along with the whole A.D.H.D. thing,trying to find good medical treatment without insurance or at least affordable anyways and all the medications i forget to take BECAUSE i know it will help me.So here I sit with no meds for a couple days now.I've ran out.Do not have the money I had up north to pay out of pocket for an e.r. bill.Plus,having been brought up by a mom who worked at St.vincent's hospital 30 something years,I know the e.r. is not to be used for stuff that is not critical or about to be...This is where my almighty God comes in.He will always make a way AND look out for me.Keep me safe from harm.I truly deep down in every part of my heart believe that.My heart acted like it wanted to start escalating yesterday morning(cardiac arrythmia) and for 1 sec I freaked out.A few years ago I was on Atenolol for that.Many tests later would reveal I was 'fine'.Could go off the medications IF I avoided stress...HOw in the world do I do that I remember wondering back then...I came back to the Lord in full swing...My saviour...And that's what I did yesterday..Heart started wanting to do its thing and I looked up at my ceiling towards the heavens and asked God to slow it down.Within no more than 2 literal seconds,I felt 100% as I did 5 minutes prior.GOD IS GOOD!!..Matter of fact,he's not just good..HE'S GREAT..I want to shout it to the top of the rooftops and beyond,lol..There is NOTHING he can't do for me.I've seen it in my life many,many times.Dear Lord,I know you will help me find a doctor I can afford and get back on some kinda medications.you know I can't handle when my heart does that.Thank you sooooo much my God for showing me how to not panic and know what to do.You know I think about it often and am so blessed to have been raised with fairly intense medical knowledge in spite of all the abuse I had to endureThose books getting thrown in the room with me somehow would pay off.I couldnt have known that then.Please help me though to never get ahead of myself and think I know everything and try to deal with everything myself always medically because you know I dont know everything there is to know or how to prevent alot still.Please help me to always try to be there for someone and to love them unconditonally as you love me.Or let me try to anyways.Thank you so much for making me fully aware the last few months more so than any other time in my loife,it is NOT ok to judge someonelse,their life,what they've done or will do.That is your job and your job ONLY.When i do find someone judging me or suspect that's what their doing,help me to overlook it and get rid of the "i dont care" attitude and replace it with "their only human..you take care of them."Negativity,drama and jealousy in some sort or fashion is usually the case I've found and my intolerance to it..I want to thank you also for everyone on this site that make it possible to have Christian fellowship...First and foremost,Brandon and phantom..I know one of their names and no idea what either look like BUT they have both been there unfailed through a couple different things..Nothing big but there all the same..Thank you for finally having me get off my butt the other day and mailing some money in.You know I was doing as I usually do when I dont have employment..counting every single dollar and then start thinking,"i would really love to help but i cant afford it right now.i just cant.this is all I have."..And then the enemy chimes in with a little more to try to get me to not go through with it.."They dont really need it.you know you're going to be thinking about that money when you need something and dont have it..What about Logan?(my grandbaby).He's coming in a few days and you're going to have to buy snacks for him.Remember Jami..you wanted to be able to get him a few toys from you.You know you guys eat out every so often.You might need it for that if Davey doesnt have the money.".THEN my God steps in with the TRUTH.. band band band band ...HOW do you know their eating or eating properly??Have I told you that my child??Have THEY told you that??How do you know??You dont!Stop acting like your me(God)and trying to take my job.I have given you an abundance of intelligence BUT you don't know everything ReadBible ReadBible Haven't I provided ways for you to provide for your grandson in the past when he came to you??Snacks??I did not give my people in the desert Little Debbie's or doughnuts.I fed them though and they were not grateful.You have food!I provide for you and open doors where you couldn't...Do you like visiting with some on this website and doing what you're doing right now?@finding a way to release your thoughts..You better think long and hard what I HAVE brought to you.I can just as easily take it away,again"Oh Lord,that's too harsh.Please don't do that.."Well then my child,keep the money you have saved for Logan's bed he's going to need BUT send that last 5."After all these thoughts Im certain the Lord had placed in my head over and over,I did just that.He is right.How do I know what people eat?Or if their even eating?Oh,because I "assume" people are or I'm going to leave it to someonelse?..the ole "someonelse will do it" which me and Bren talked about yesterday is not good enough..You wanna know how many of our own people AND children here in America are starving just because someone thinks "someonelse will do it"?You don't believe it happens?Sorry to be the one to bring it to your attention but it does.Skip the pack of cigarettes you plan on buying later this afternoon, or the make up you've ran out of or that new cd you want and help someone for crying out loud...Jesus said,"i am the way,the truth and the life.No one comes to the father except by me"..No,wer'e not going to get to heaven just by good deeds and most Christians know that already BUT we are supposed to do as Jesus did and that's one thing he made sure of.That HIS people had their basics.And sill does if we seek Him out wholeheartedly.I could tell you many a time i didnt seek him out before I decided it was time to put ME last and HIM first and believe you me,i suffered and very hard.Lived in a homeless shelter before,had to eat their week old food and rock hard donuts hard enough to play baseball with AND serve it to my kids back then.Watching them starve themselves and lose weight because most refused to eat it.After all,we hadnt lived that way before.They sure werent about to start then.There were also MANY,MANY times I didnt have a single solid penny to my name for months unless it was someonelse's penny helping my family.usually my mother who would go broke trying to make sure her grandchildren didnt go without anything they truly needed.My mom always said,"no 2 people are alike Jami""you cant save the world!".You know..I almost wasnt going to go on the Tennesse trip to help the homeless and ravaged families down there this weekend.I too figured someonelse would do it.They probably had enough people..Then I came to chat.Mercy7 says,"you can change the world one person at a time though"..Gosh that seems so much easier.What a relief.I can just start with one person,allow God to lead the whole thing and feel soooooo good at the end of the weekend for just doing what I could to help.to me,it surely didnt seem like much.To the people there we helped and the lady I gave a mere $5.00 to to help her buy something for her grandhildren to eat?it made all the difference in the world to her.im sure I'll probably never see her again.i didnt even ask her name.I only did what i felt God wanted me to do had the tables been turned and it was me...God,please bless all my friends,my children,my mom,my siblings and grandson and the unborn one.May I always continue to seek you and YOUR will for me,not mine.You know im not perfect and dont always even come close but you know my heart and I try.I truly do.be with me always Lord.Thank you Cross

What a beautiful spirit you have my sister...I read your shared words...and what I see is someone who feels God's heart...sometimes a $1 will buy a lot of Ramen noodles for a hungry soul...at $.20 a package you've fed someone 5 meals. Thank you for sharing what you have for God's ministry...I've always heard...you can tell where your heart is by how much money you give to that place...God will bless you sis..for all you've given to His ministry.

luv ya

This entry is very brutally honest as the lord is trying to show me and work with me on something and i'm trying to hang in there...HE HAS ALL THE GLORY..EVERY SINGLE BIT OF IT...MY GOD,YOU WIN AND ALWAYS WILL,NOW AND TIL THE END OF TIME Good morning America and everywherelse! Wakey,wakey!
i pray everyone got a good rest last night(as i did not).For anyone reading this that is on a night time zone now,i pray youre sleep the night before was good As anyone knows who reads anything I write,i tend to bounce a little bit of everywhere(start discussing the present,go back about 10 years,then jump full swing back into the present and beyond)Oh man.I seen a movie the other night that did just that.It's called Five people You Meet in Heaven.I was sooooo lost for a bit watching that and then finally,about 1/2 way into it,i caught on and started really liking it.was weird.I usually dont have patience with movies that don't have a very obvious message or stay still,lol.
Ok,onto why I come onto this link.Time to block the world out for a bit so I can concentrate on my thoughts I've had,am having,etc,etc and put 'em on paper(well,you know what I mean.That's one good thing technology has produced and saved me from "writer's cramp"...to be continued later..im busy at the moment and got lots to do today and this weekend.Bye for now world ...ok,im back for a few minutes I think...Stress...i have been so stressed lately and for mainly one reason...it's gotten me physically ill the last couple days...im sure some of it is from running out of meds BUT i can just tell...because everytime i start thinking about the subject i start feeling sick to my stomach again..not happening now(feeling blah) when im not thinking about it..AND it's really only one of 2 things i really have stressing me...the other is the obvious...looking for work...that bothers me because i DO NOT like being financially dependent or dependent period on anyonelse...especially a guy...doesnt matter to me whether he's a Christian,the pope or the president..i have never sat well on feeling like someonelse has "control' over me that way..And if most of ya women reading this are going to be honest with yourselves,you know exactly what im talking about...P.I. for money..thats what it is..outside of a marriage and even still in it UNLESS you have a strong Christian marriage..then you may not run into that so much or at all...Back again...I do want to take a minute out to personally thank a few people for listening to my vent this morning and days prior when i've felt the need to DISCUSS what I'm feeling...Yes,I believe in the Lord,what he can do,what I cannot do on my own,His love for me and for davey and anyone that doesn't have or is just basically starting their spiritual walk with the Lord and for those that are a bit stronger in it than those they love or are in love with..I am well aware when we come to people,fellow Christians,even them yes, with our "problems" or stresses,we are subject to them TELLING us what we should be doing,not suggesting or just plain either open or in their minds(and you know people do),judging us personally by our lives,NOT keeping in mind we ARE still Christians and that doesn't always mean because we go by the same Life book(The Bible)that we're going to see eye to eye on the advice? being given.I can handle advice and give it as well and am appreciative and respect if someone cares enough that they don't want to see you "emotionally suffer" with what it is you're going through so they will extend their time and COMPASSION and let you know everything will be ok in the end,then that is fine..Those are the kind of people,IF I come to them with my life's issues,that I will continue to do so..I will do my best to offer the same in a "true" friendship.Come as you are,flaws and all.let me see what I can do to help,not short of praying for you.Do as Jesus did.

Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand." Isaiah 41:10


~I love Logan~(my grandbaby)

of days?I don't know about everyonelse but my last 2 days have just seem to have flown by.it could be simply because they just have,(nature going faster as we get closer to the Lord coming back and maybe I'm just becoming more sensitive to it than I used to be)could be because Davey had Monday off so i lost a day there possibly OR because my grandbaby is going back to Ohio this Friday.it's probably all the above.I have had a totally great fun-filled 2 weeks with the little guy.The 2 weeks in themselves have definitely not been all peaches and cream but my time spent with him?You betcha.I'm probably going to weigh myself tonight and see how much weight I lost from chasing him around.Man,i totally forgot what it was like to have a 1 or 2 year old around.it's been a longggg time since I've had to keep up with a toddler.Logan(my grandson) obviously cannot express hisself through talking clearly but if he could,I think he would say something along the lines of,"my grandma is soooo fun".I would hope so@he would be that happy.I get right in his swimming pool WITH him and crawl around and chase him in it.We play hide and seek in the house,where I hide behind a door,call him,he comes in and I Boo! him.he at first jumps about a mile high,laughs his little head off then takes off,expecting me to chase him,lol Depending on how long we've been playing Boo or hide and seek,I may or may not chase him.My mind stays at a kid level with little ones around and the Lord knows i give it 200% to reach them at their level BUT..unfortunately the body has aged some.That's when he gets mad and starts complaining AT me in baby language.I think Davey got a little attached to him while he was here.It's kinda hard not to though unless you're a grinch..Logan's not only an adorable baby.He is so intelligent for his age.Sometimes we just sit and watch him try to figure stuff out.Like his PT cruiser "noisy car" as I call them things.He has played with that toy since he was about 3-4 months old.He loves the noises,flashing lights,etc on it.Well,I guess he decided it didn't need a windshield a couple days ago or the rear view mirrors.usually when he "accidentally" does something he'll bring me whatever's left of it,lol but not that time.I'm suspecting he was trying to get it to do something,it wouldn't and he broke it it works out really good when I have him because I LOVE to be outdoors and so does he.He knows when he comes to gramma's,there's not much inside time so I'm sure he's loving that.He caught the flu while he was here and is finally getting past the worst of it,which is good naturally.Babies don't understand and they can't help that they cry when their ill but man oh man..I will not hide the fact that ongoing crying has a tendency to fry my nerves.I thank the Lord entirely that Logan isn't a "crier" type.He only gets on a crying spell if there's clearly something seriously wrong.other than that,he'll just complain or do a quick cry just long enough to let you know to figure it out .Well,there's lots more I could put in here but I'll have to at another time.My belly's grumbling and everyone's asleep so I will probably go do the usual.Laundry.It never ends.BUT before I start complaining too loudly about that,I want to thank you Lord for bringing a washer into this household.You knew I have the patience of an ant when it comes to sitting in a laundromat for 2-3 hours UNLESS i absolutely have to.Have did it for way too many years when my kids were little and we were severly low income and couldnt even entertain the thought of buying a washer outright then.That was when they didn't have craigslist and other handy sites for affordable items.My last washer cost me only $30.00 and worked like a charm for real.It was a Maytag.I'll stand by that brand through and through.For myself,as a woman,it's like a guy's pick of a make for a car.Once you find one you like,good luck getting him to switch over...Well,the washer we have now is a Speed Queen.I'll keep an eye on it and see if it outlasts my 2 Maytag's I've had before.Things we do when we're bored or have our priorities out of focus for the moment@study washers Actually,that was a joke at myself so don't take it too literal if you're reading this and like me sometimes,have a tendency to read too hard into things:)I've been that way for a great,many,many years now@study,notice and observe almost on an intuitive level,autopilot if you will.The Lord uses it to guide me very much often.And praise him.if i'm not learning anything,HOW can i praise Him?..Very carefully...through faith and a total love for Him and all that he's given me and even the things he hasn't..but that's a whole nother entry later@Thank God sometimes for unanswered prayers....But Lord,I have a question..You've seen me looking high and low for months! for the movie A Place For Annie online..Sometimes I invest hours a day searching for it online and have yet to find it anywhere,even paid sites,(other than amazon.com)and cannot find it.I was thinking even about asking people if they had any clue if there was somewhere I hadnt already looked for it,that they may know..as you know,if I want or need something and after endless searching or work for whatever it is on my own,I will not hesistate to ask for help BUT there must be a reason you don't want me to find it.This I'm becoming convinced of.I saw it only one time in 1997 and it stuck with me to want to see it again someday.as you were watching,Ashley suggested yesterday I go to the library and see if they have it because she said she had got it from her library before.Is that really what I'm supposed to do OR are all the MANY movies,I've had to watch in the quest for my search for the Place For Annie movie happen for a reason?I told Davey yesterday I felt like I was living my brother's old life@he watched every single movie probably ever invented and if he hadnt,he had heard of it.I am quite the opposite.movies for the most part up until the last week have never interested me much.I have seen PROBABLY THOUSANDS or better in my life but there's a catch...only usually the 1st five minutes or bits and pieces from falling asleep through them.I just never had that strong of an attention span to become an avid movie watcher.Something differnt is going on in my life lately.I have developed an attention span that goes beyond 10 minutes for any 1 thing.weird.feels good sometimes but VERY odd at the same time.And i'm sure my God is doing that for a reason also.Looks like there's some very important things He's going to want me to learn AND remember.That could be a good thing because my memory has been all but shot since around 2000? or so.That could be a good thing though.Matter of fact,for me,I know it is.I surely am grateful to not be able to remember every little detail of everything I had done prior turning my life over to the Lord.ugh.i can only imagine the things I dont remember based on the things i do from time to time.But guess what?It's ALL in my past now...Thank God he died for me to NOT have to live a GroundHog-Day type of life.And for many years I did@wasted my time making the same mistakes when there were so many new ones to make.Remember that cliche?..That's another thing too...I don't let cliches rule my life as I once did...Sure,sometimes they show comparions to our actual lives but in all reality..that's all they are..someonelse's thoughts..What if the person that came up with it was on crack or had a bad day at work?..Do I REALLY want their aura following me around?..Ummm,I think not...Ok,so I dont really believe all that but...i also think living the way I have with a bazillion sayings running through my head at any given moment was just as about as disastrous as well....Im done babbling for the now..Stuff to do and I'm still hungry...God bless you world and my friend in God..The world needs blessings and lots of love.Don't be selfish.give some away today. And tomorrow too..I know alot of people who need it BUT i cannot reach them all.I'm just one person.Thank you for helping me out there and allowing me to love you also. And if you don't,it's still ok.God IS love.So wonderful and great.Thank you Jesus.

When the world is looking down on you,look up to Him.
~Me

I always have difficulty figuring what to journal and what to blog in the counseling section..To be totally truthful,I think we as Christians,each and every one of us,are going to be "counseled' or the "counselee" our whole life whether we've went to to college for X amount of years to become a preacher,evangelist,etc,just stumble across study sites online or have been brought up in a Christian home from day 1 with no outward(key word) appearances of any real struggling..That is just my theory on it..If we as Christians are living in a way that God wants us to or making it our absolute best attempt to do so,we ARE going to have struggles..For the purpose of my entry here,I'll refer to it as trials and tribulations...So you may not be one that struggles with pornography,cigarettes(which by the way,I think whoever invented those things(because that is one of my own personal struggles on and off throughout the last 5 years) ought to be sent to Alaska to live in an igloo for 1000 years but anyways),over-eating,excessive or ANY pride,etc,etc isssues..You get the point here...From the best of my own understanding of the Bible combined with what I see through fairly keen observation most of the time of different folks,their lives,what happens when they put God first,myself and anyone really...that DOES put the Lord first,ohhhh man...Let me tell ya..You're in for a rocky ride so you best buckle up ..The Lord is going to take you and/or your mind places no man has ever been.You're going to go "up" some pretty big hills and if the Lord is REALLY using you to be a benefit to others,some very steep mountains as well...If you haven't got to them yet,you will...Just hang in there..We're in the Last Days..It WILL happen...BUT don't let that stop you from serving the Lord..The life He offers in exchange for you doing the utmost best you possibly can.. to talk to people about Him,HELP them when you see a need and not walk away,(he doesn't expect perfection and that's totally wonderful as well)(Star Trk,lol)be the "ear" at a time when your own life is turning upside down or not as "stable" as you'd like it to be and STILL keep faith in God?...Oh man,the rewards have got to be good!I remember not long ago,I was really doing the best I could pretty much any chance I got,remembered to say grace before most every meal and even asked others,whether kids,friends or someone I took in)to say it if they wanted to give them the opportunity to learn about the Lord,something as simple as that),helping feed about 5 households in my then neighborhood,whether they had food or not,give away clothes that were too small for me or my kids to someonelse,whatever the case was..Sometimes me and my daughter would just drop the stuff off at their door after having only knocked once lightly..I didn't want any actual conversation started about it for the most part or an abundance of thank you's or the complete opposite(you could give that to someonelse) because I was just doing what my heart said to.Sometimes if it was someone by all appearances was kinda(for the sake of this entry point)a "Grinch" type,I had a tendency to give them stuff more often.It's really interesting though because the one lady that never really seemed happy but yet from what she told others,didnt have any "real" problems-was financially secured,home paid for,married for multiple years,etc,at first gave me a strange look and barely managed to say her "thank you" she was trying for..I really didnt want her to say anything at that point...But I went back the next day,gave her some more office dress outfits I had been given from my friend Jenny who had very reently died and gave me alot of her clothes when she decided to not take surgery for her cancer and just advanced pretty fast,..I know im getting off track here but I'm starting to get really tired and I have to get up early and cook breakfast and take my son to church(for the 1st time since he was 3 years old...he's now 15!Hallelujiah...He didnt even put up a stink when I told him tonight we were going to go in the morning...He just asked what timee it started,with no resistence or anything..If I get that in the morning,I'll pray it through ..BUt about Jenny,the clothes and the neighbor(that im sure i will have to go into in my testmimony as a major learning experience of patience,trust in the Lord and a bunch of other important traits)that didnt seem happy? that I had broguth them to her the first time...The same day in the evening,I took her more and asked her if she'd like some dresses for church..I had seen her get on a church bus just about every Sunday..I was not expecting her to say "yes"..so like a little kid that just won a prize at a fair,I almost ran back to my place,picked the outfits out and took them right over to her..We then started talking about her church and how she hadnt been going there long(was in church "transition from disliking a prior one)and invited me to come..She asked if I'd like to come and I told her I had been thinking about it for awhile but I some of my kids over for the weekend and my grandbaby..Me and my daughter Skylar went..I went for a few times and Skylar really loved it but for my own reasons,I stopped going there..The point isnt what a nice thing I did to give her anything..She didnt need clothes she said so it stumped me for a little while there why she took them and after a time or 2,smiled like from ear to ear about it..God was moving through me was all..And ive noticed He causes me to deal with some people I'd really not rather alot..That is definitely the pattern ive noticed over the last 2 years..After a flood of one negative thing happening after another with seems like the hardest people to bring to God in my past,I literally sit down and pray to the Lord,"God,why me?...How come I always get the difficult people or the ones that give me total grief it seems?...He answers me back,"Why not you?....You don't think you're a pain in my rear at times?"...Then I get to thinking(and this is being very honest and open,lol),"But Lord,I don't do that stuff and not all the time.I am not your biggest pain in the rear"...At this point,I about got my head between my legs "hiding" from the Lord because I'm scared to even hear what He's about to tell me...The Lord has given me the ability to communicate fairly effectively,even with Him when I know it's not deserved but by grace ONLY)and when i get into serious "talks" with Him,He never hesistates to give it right back to me@spells it out clear as a bell and VERY to the point..So he says,"All my Children are pains in my rear.Some just hit me in different spots."...So I got to thinking,"All my Father's children,including me,hurt Him,shame Him,betray Him,walk out on Him at times,use Him for our own benefit sometimes whether knowingly or unknowingly BUT...none of that matters...after we Christians do ALL that,He still LOVES us and wholeheartedly..We question Him..He gives us a blessing and we want 12 more and pretty quickly I might add...He puts up with soooooo much from us...Yet He's still there...We get really angry and start swearing...We're stressed so we light up a smoke or bum one because "we quit"...Our children are asking to come online just long enough to check their mail before they go to bed and what do we tell them?"Wait a minute."...and another minute goes by...And another..And before we know it,WE'RE snapping our kids head off...Or worse yet..They keep asking,walk away finally,come back in the room again..Dont say a word but stand there and you lash out with,"I said id be off in a minute!!"...their mouth about drops as they say,"Geesh mom.I just wanted to tell you I love you" and walk out of the room....THEN you get to feel like a big ole piece of crap...and for awhile if you're really close to your kids...BUT the story doesnt end like that because GOD!Yes,our glorious,wonderful God,has set us free from the bondage of painful emotions,mistakes no matter how big or small and we know that no matter what we've done wrong,God forgives...and we can smile to a new day and thank the Lord He always gives second chances ...Just keep in mind,the world is running out of time...Love what has God HAS done for you..and love each other in the good times but even more so when the going gets tough..That's the harder road BUT where we learn the most lessons..whew...ok,i wore myself out typing tonight,lol...Goodnight everyone,I love you and you have a good Sunday,ok?...Nite