Christianity Oasis Forum

[Hands-and-Feet4Jesus]

I am a daughter of the most high King; therefore, I'm a princess! :D
I am Loved
I am Forgiven
I am Beautiful
I am created exactly as I was meant to be!
I am A GOD Girl from the top of my head to the souls of my feet!

* I chose to partake in this 14 day journal to find myself. Who am I? I hope this journal/walk helps me to forgive, forget and understand. *

My name is Ellie and I'm twenty-one year's old. I would have to say the origin of what is bothering me is stress and fear. I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis/ Crohn's Disease at the age of sixteen. After, I was homebound (Schooled at home for medical necessity) and went through numerous hospitalizations and surgeries. Even a nasty blood transfusion in which I was stuck seventeen times before the infusion, at the age of seventeen. Then, I was placed on Chemotherapy Infusions every eight weeks and I'm still currently on them. My doctors told me that Chemo would be my last resort before my colon would have to be removed because I had been on all the other medicines. I've been anointed with oil by an elder at my church, who also happens to be a minister, praying for healing... I noticed an improvement in my condition. Then, the next day I went back for anointing and healing of my emotional problems.... For a while I felt free, but neither ever went completely away (my health condition or emotional issues). I lost faith, even blamed God over my health. Then, I realized I would never be where I am today with God if I never went through my trials and tribulations.

My Love Life? Well, I'm divorced. Before you judge me, just read on. I started dating this guy when I was thirteen, continued dating him for seven years, engaged a whole year and then married for seven months. Keep in mind that he had been with me through my health ups and downs. He also knew I was on Chemo, he had been to several infusions (My family has never been to the first infusion, ever. Even to this day. It will be three years in Nov.2012). I trusted him and obviously loved him dearly. I took my vows to heart and meant every word of them. I didn't believe in divorced and never even considered that option, until... I caught him watching male porn with his computer on our kitchen table. 0.O Yes, I'm serious! It get's worse... Then, after being caught he was ashamed and moved out to live with his mother.... Never explained or even offered to. After a few weeks passed and he called me and said he wanted a divorce. I begged, pleaded and cried, but he wouldn't hear any of it. I even offered counseling with our preacher or anyone for that matter, but he was dead set on getting a divorce. Why me? Am I not good enough? What did I do wrong? Is GOD punishing me? I wasn't getting answers from anyone so I went on a search for answers myself. I was packing up his things when I discovered notebooks he had hidden in our dresser. There were pages with Usernames and Passwords to porn sites, guys names, addresses and phone numbers. He had even went on map quest to find the fastest route to their house from ours!!! Later I found out that he was homosexual and only married me to "try and make himself be straight". Keep in mind I dated this guy for eight years and he could only now tell me this?!? Here's the kicker: He cheated on me the entire time with Men, with MEN! How could I compete with that? The worst part is that he would met them when I was getting my chemo infusions at the hospital, which takes about five hours. You know how bad that hurt??? You have no idea. I felt alone, humiliated and unwanted. My liver started failing the month after we divorced. My doctors were scared to death and didn't understand why. I had to get AIDS tested because of my ex-husband. I could have died!!!

So, Yes. I have a lot of anger, resentment, pain, frustration, confusion and loneliness. Yes, I am saved and I know that God would never leave or forsake me, but I'm completely lost. Who am I? Hopefully, I'll find out in two weeks.

[Karon]

Just a quick note to say so glad you are here and wanted to assure you of my prayers.

[popples]

Hon big hugs from me your sister in Christ, One thing I want you to know is here at Oasis you can be you. Your not judged just loved, like others here you are in my prayers.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

I am a daughter of the most high King; therefore, I'm a princess! :D
I am Loved
I am Forgiven
I am Beautiful
I am created exactly as I was meant to be!
I am A GOD Girl from the top of my head to the souls of my feet!

Amen sweetheart!!
I am so glad you are here, please know as it has already been said you can be you here and not worry of judgement
only love, I will keep you in my prayers
and welcome to the Oasis
Cuc

[Hands-and-Feet4Jesus]

Thanks for all the prayers and support!
It's truly heart felt <3

~Ellie ;D