The Life Of A Pine
Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2007 2:19 pmI've been looking for a place to write my story. I've tried a few times but never finished. So I may come back here to add add things at times.
I have read other testimonies and talked to many here and in person who are hurting in many ways. I feel I've gone through many things so I can understand how others feel.
I know what it feels like to be ...
unloved and unlovable,
to be alone in a house full of people.
To be beaten by my father and throw across the room.
To be addicted to alcohol before I was old enough to drive
I know what it feels like to be 13 and have my parents do everything they told me not to do.
To be angry at God for taking the only person who loved me away. The only person I had to save me from my dads beatings.
I know what it's like to feel life couldn't get worse.
I know what it's like to hurt myself so I could feel something when I was so hurt I couldn't feel anything.
I know what it feels like to want to die.
To be chased by evil
I know what it's like to be told you couldn't have children.
To be told you lost your baby.
To be judged by people.
And what did Jesus do?
Now....
I know what it feels like to forgive and be forgiven,
to be loved,
to be given a second chance.
To find joy amongst a trail.
To pray and receive.
To feel evil beings shake and tremble when I confess sins.
To hold my baby even when I wasn't suspose to be able to have children.
To give birth to a son and be told he wasn't going to survive. Then to hear the doctors amazement of how all of a sudden he started to thrive after people prayed for him.
To see my dad get baptised and
to watch him walk into heaven.
Here at Oasis I am loved and accepted.
Here I can find people who are
just like myself. You wonderfully peculiar people. I love ya.
Lets see
My earthy father beat me, My heavenly father loved me
My earthy father said I was worthless, My heavenly Father died so I could live.
I was angry my heavenly father took the only person who I thought loved me home to be with him. Leaving me lonely, unprotected, and unloved (so I thought). Even though I was angry and self centered my heavenly father forgave me and continued to love me and watch out for me.
I want to encourage anyone who feels their parents don't love them that this may not be what it seems. When I grew up I learned that compared to my Grandpa, who I never knew, my dad was a good father. Even though if you look at how I was treated you would not be able to see much good. He was a broken person trying his best to not make the same mistakes his father did. Only he didn't use the Lords help. He tried to do it all on his own. My mother never said she loved me and very rarely touched me or hugged me. But I found that she was never hugged or told she was loved by her parents. When I was 16 she wrote me a note. It said, "I love you". I cried and cried. I still have that note. It's been 21 years ago. I started telling her I love you. She would set quietly and take a deep breath and say, "Hmm". I decided even if she couldn't tell me I was going to tell her every time we spoke. One day after I said I love you mom she said, "I I I I I Lo lo lo lo love" deep breath and a sigh then the word, "you." If you've never spoken those words it would be hard to say them. Today everytime we talk we can not hang up the phone because we can't stop saying those words enough.
I still don't like to be touched or hugged I guess because of the way I grew up. But I know my family needs to be hugged and touched. So every chance I get I hug them or rub their back or arm. I have laid a new path. Why could I do this and not my parents? Prayer! You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength.
I don't know what it's like to be raised in a house full of love and acceptance. But now because of Jesus answering prayers I know what it is like to live in a house full of love and acceptance. Praise God! I am so glad I didn't listen to Satan and choose to end my life as a teen. Because God has given me a new life. A wonderful life full of people that love me and accept me just as I am. Sure Satan tries to influence me that my life is worthless at time. But now I know, he wouldn't be messing with me if God wasn't using me.
This is me. Just when I think I'm doing right, I slip up. I still need Jesus. 
I have read other testimonies and talked to many here and in person who are hurting in many ways. I feel I've gone through many things so I can understand how others feel.
I know what it feels like to be ...
unloved and unlovable,
to be alone in a house full of people.
To be beaten by my father and throw across the room.
To be addicted to alcohol before I was old enough to drive
I know what it feels like to be 13 and have my parents do everything they told me not to do.
To be angry at God for taking the only person who loved me away. The only person I had to save me from my dads beatings.
I know what it's like to feel life couldn't get worse.
I know what it's like to hurt myself so I could feel something when I was so hurt I couldn't feel anything.
I know what it feels like to want to die.
To be chased by evil
I know what it's like to be told you couldn't have children.
To be told you lost your baby.
To be judged by people.
And what did Jesus do?
Now....
I know what it feels like to forgive and be forgiven,
to be loved,
to be given a second chance.
To find joy amongst a trail.
To pray and receive.
To feel evil beings shake and tremble when I confess sins.
To hold my baby even when I wasn't suspose to be able to have children.
To give birth to a son and be told he wasn't going to survive. Then to hear the doctors amazement of how all of a sudden he started to thrive after people prayed for him.
To see my dad get baptised and
to watch him walk into heaven.
Here at Oasis I am loved and accepted.
Here I can find people who are
just like myself. You wonderfully peculiar people. I love ya.
Lets see
My earthy father beat me, My heavenly father loved me
My earthy father said I was worthless, My heavenly Father died so I could live.
I was angry my heavenly father took the only person who I thought loved me home to be with him. Leaving me lonely, unprotected, and unloved (so I thought). Even though I was angry and self centered my heavenly father forgave me and continued to love me and watch out for me.
I want to encourage anyone who feels their parents don't love them that this may not be what it seems. When I grew up I learned that compared to my Grandpa, who I never knew, my dad was a good father. Even though if you look at how I was treated you would not be able to see much good. He was a broken person trying his best to not make the same mistakes his father did. Only he didn't use the Lords help. He tried to do it all on his own. My mother never said she loved me and very rarely touched me or hugged me. But I found that she was never hugged or told she was loved by her parents. When I was 16 she wrote me a note. It said, "I love you". I cried and cried. I still have that note. It's been 21 years ago. I started telling her I love you. She would set quietly and take a deep breath and say, "Hmm". I decided even if she couldn't tell me I was going to tell her every time we spoke. One day after I said I love you mom she said, "I I I I I Lo lo lo lo love" deep breath and a sigh then the word, "you." If you've never spoken those words it would be hard to say them. Today everytime we talk we can not hang up the phone because we can't stop saying those words enough.
I still don't like to be touched or hugged I guess because of the way I grew up. But I know my family needs to be hugged and touched. So every chance I get I hug them or rub their back or arm. I have laid a new path. Why could I do this and not my parents? Prayer! You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength.
I don't know what it's like to be raised in a house full of love and acceptance. But now because of Jesus answering prayers I know what it is like to live in a house full of love and acceptance. Praise God! I am so glad I didn't listen to Satan and choose to end my life as a teen. Because God has given me a new life. A wonderful life full of people that love me and accept me just as I am. Sure Satan tries to influence me that my life is worthless at time. But now I know, he wouldn't be messing with me if God wasn't using me.
This is me. Just when I think I'm doing right, I slip up. I still need Jesus. 
