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That is something I have wondered about off and on the last couple of years..and why now that I'm in my older years why does the intensity seemed to have shifted into high gear?..So high at times I'm not sure there's brakes on the "vehicle" he put me in.To serve Him.That's easy enough I thought..I have an unfailing love for the Lord,I talk about him every chance I get to anyone who will listen,I've learned I can mess up AND he's not going anywhere BUT not to push it.He gets very angry when I'm repeating the same mistakes..Moving along here..I've had it on my mind off and on for the last couple of weeks to do this but for very unimportant reasons half the time,it never got completed let alone started..I recall one day sitting here online and thinking about it BUT I "just didn't want everyone to know about my life...ESPECIALLY not the bad things I've done or had done to me.And even just the "little stuff".My life has pretty much always been an open book so over the last few years I've really tried to maintain some privacy BUT for only reasons known to Him,The Lord feels I need to share all that I can remember that has ever happened,what I did or didn't learn from it and how everything that has EVER happened,trials,tribulations and all,did so as to glorify Him.NOT in that I've become a "perfect Christian" because for some that may be possible but I'm way too stubborn to ever be perfectly anything BUT saved by the grace of God.It's that simple and the rest is history..Ok,I need a starting point here.This is another thing that has held me up from doing this.The all forever trying to do everything just right,even something as simple as letting out my life story.I always try to make myself as clear as I can BUT I'm finding that's taking ALOT of time away from just being my natural self which IS what God wants to work with...He doesn't want to work with my correcting of typos consistently,changing thoughts He tells me to put down and then I go back and change them.I find that most of the things I want to say and end up erasing are more than likely stuff He is using me to share with other people.VERY human situations and happenings.Ugh,but I don't like being "human"...My starting point is going to be the Superman Years..It just crossed my mind when I was outside to go from there.Why?I have no idea.Like I said,the Lord has almost all but reprogrammed my mind so I really try to not spend too much time questioning things.When I do,I tend to go through alot of Tylenol

The Superman Phenomenon
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I was 9 I believe when Superman came to the theatres.Actually,it was drive-in's when I was a youngin.I'm not even sure theatres existed..So myself,my older brother Homer,my mom and I believe her friend Pam and son Tony all went to watch it..My brother,the then intensified dreamer in our family had it set in his mind he was Superman or at the minimum was about to be...He was the kind of kid you could give a cardboard box and he'd make something actually useful out of it..To watch him when I was little was pretty fascinating..He was always building something and I was always trying to figure out how everything worked or how far I could go with pretty much just about anything.I was a HIGHLY inquisitive child and I really wasn't shy..I had to have drove my mom bonkers with my a bazillion questions and some as simple as,"Mom?Why do the ants build their houses right in the middle of the sidewalk?"I'd get upset because I knew at some point I was going to end up running them over with my big wheel or skateboard.Plus I thought it was just plain cool that they could carry things MUCH bigger than them and not die.Stuff like that always caught my attention...But back to Superman..I'm typing this as I visualize it as well as remember it.That should make it a bit easier....So,it was a typical summer afternoon,warm and everyone at work and kids in school.Where we should've been.To this day,I don't know how the teachers never noticed or if they did,I never heard much about it from my mom UNTIL I'd get hurt or in trouble that...me and my brother always walked to school in the mornings together..We'd go to our classes BUT some days?Well,I guess we just didn't feel like being there..I recall just asking to go to the bathroom,and I would but then I'd walk right out of school to the playground,play for awhile and then walk home.I truly loved school and I was all A's and an occassional B(in math usually)but I was the type if kid in elementary school that didn't have to study.I seen it one time and that was it.Stuck in my head like a computer program..But I didn't like to sit still so after my favorite classes were over,was when I usually hit the playground and then home..Then comes my brother in this picture...My brother did good in school but things did not come so easy to him and he was by far more interested in being home and building something with one of the many(what most wordly people would call "crazy".In my older years and after learning about God,it didnt bother me to tell the story because I was aware people werent "allowed" to judge me even my craziest acts...to be continued in a sec...So the sotry goes...We went to school that day,played on the playground for a bit then went home..I walked up the steps to my bedroom and grabbed my coloring book and crayons,sat in the middle of my bed indian style and started to draw..I'd say roughly a half hour went by and my brother walks in..He looks at me and says,"What do you want to be when you get older?"..I said pretty quickly,"Mary Poppins".I always thought it was so neat how she could float away with an umbrella,lol..So he gets real quiet for a minute then says,"We can do this!".with ALOT of excitement in his voice then walked out of my room...I'll not forget those words as long as I live@We can do this...I recall sitting there for a couple minutes trying to figure out why he would ask me that but went right back to my coloring.By 9 years old,I was very used to my brother coming up with ideas that were "out of this world" and I knew at some point,I'd be asked to participate and I most always did.We were only 11 months apart but my mom said we always "acted like twins".I'm not a twin and I don't have twin children but seeing how my own 2 boys are that are less than a year apart,now that I'm older,I can see what she meant by it,whewwww!...So "We can do it"...I'm continuing on with my coloring when I decided I better go see what he's up to...I go into his room,which was next to mine.His bedroom faced the backyard and garage.He wasn't in there so I looked out his window to see if he had went outside.Here he comes walking from the garage carrying a busted out window frame. with construction paper nailed over it.I still didn't think anything of it.Like I mentioned,he was very brilliant with the things he could make out of something as simple as a broken window frame..I figured he had a "good" plan but I wasn't worried at that point So I go back into my room and start coloring again..Uh oh..He comes into my room and tells me,"Find something so you can be Mary Poppins."..I said,"Like what?What are we going to do?"...He says,"Just grab something and I'll show you>"..So I got off my bed,set my crayons and coloring book on the floor,stripped my fitted bed sheet off my bed and went to his room.What ever made me think a fitted bed sheet could make me fly,lol was something I'll never understand ..So I'm now in his room and he tells me,"I'm going to go first BUT..(and he now is very serious)you have to go right after I do...He pushes up his bedroom window and walks out onto the roof.Mind you the house is 2 1/2 stories and we are on the 2nd floor of an older home...He walks out onto the roof,chooses a path and starts going to the very edge of the roof.He puts the window frame over his head and just JUMPS!...i couldn't see him because I was still in the bedroom,lol but I heard an OUCH! as loud as ever..The window frame had hit him on the head when he landed and he landed on his butt..He goes further out into the yard to where I could see him(the house had slanted roof)and starts jumping up and down yelling,"Your turn now!"..quite obviously in a little pain but he was VERY happy he had just accomplished being Superman...So I grabbed my fitted sheet..I was so scared I didn't take the "path" he took down off the roof..I just crawled out the window,started running down the roof..with the sheet held above my head..As soon as I jumped,I let go of the sheet and screamed..And landed standing straight up on the sidewalk ..And went unconcious..When I woke up,I was in St. Vincent's hospital.(where my mom worked and was at work that day)The only thing I remember seeing BEFORE I jumped off the roof was our neighbor next door getting her laundry off the line,looking up at me,dropping her clothes and yelling,"Omg"..(Sorry but I'm not spelling that out.)My brother escaped injury.I definitely did not.I was in another(yes,another@had a few serious incidents happen that landed me in the hospital before I was 7))wheelchair for about a week and definitely grounded..That didn't really bother me because I couldn't walk I thought..Ahhhh..but mom was smarter than my 9 year old brain..She waited until I got better to ground me..To the best of my memory,that would be the last time I ended up in a hospital as a child over something I got myself into,lol...The Lord allowed me to live through so much as a little one(sexual abuse,and my own lashing out by always "wanting to get away"..Usually to places that would get me hurt physically as well...I thank God I either got tired of ending up in wheelchairs and on crutches or I just decided maybe my brother wasn't Superman after all. and I was never going to be Mary Poppins....God bless everyone:)

Tesimony to be continued as time allows..

Here we go..Turning the music off for better concentration,about to throw a load of laundry in and then onto another area of my life..

Again,this has been weighing on my mind a little bit over the last couple of days..I've discovered the things that repeatedly flow through my mind are happening for a reason..Alot of times,I cannot figure it out so I just shove it to the side and figure I'll come back to it when I can..I'm thinking some of the reason I grapple with this testimony thing is because I'm still somewhat of a perfectionist at heart@not a good thing.It is atypical of me to not start something or go too far into it unless I plan on making it perfect and usually very soon..With this it would be a matter of,designing it up as an actual webpage,all pretty,with links,an index and other minute details as if I were actually writing a book..So I pray to the Lord to let me just let all that sort of thinking go for the now as I'd really like to get this ball rolling,get the parts out of my life that were the most either memorable or substantial in the way of a learning experience,if God came into play at that time or if the incidents were just one of the many things we as humans go through and it eventually is what leads us to the Lord...Lots and lots of blunders before we actually get there..I also have to keep in mind that this is my PAST..it is not a reflection of who I am now,who I ever intended to be then and that it IS over..Something the enemy tries to instill in me as I have to go back through and dissect the events and details of things I'd really rather no be rehashing..but as I stated,it definitely isn't me that wants to be doing this but I feel Him..and maybe in time,He will reveal why,as I don't see how it could benefit me and I have a hard time believing anyonelse out there could've really chose to do the things I've done in my "away from God" days and moments but..don't we all think we're unique and no one out there could have possibly done what we've done and how in the world can it make a difference in someone's life?Well,that's where I have to step aside and realize it's NOT my job to be figuring everyonelse's thoughts out who read my material online..so and with that,I begin to venture into another post that will relive a moment,by the grace of God ONLY will I never go through again in this lifetime..Not only because looking back it was all clearly insanity and the enemy at it's best but just because..I don't ned those kind of "memories" or better put> nightmares...

Is something I have definitely learned..You will get what you want,that's for sure AND a whole bunch you don't actually want usually along with it..

The day is July 29th,2004.This would be the day,before I would eventually truly come to God,that I learned NO man for sure,so-called "friends" or even family are worth dying for in the sense to let them get so much of your emotions,you end up making very dumb mistakes,some that could or would cost you your life..

It was a very hot summer day and I was "bouncing" between a couple places to stay then..My main place to stay was at my friend Rick's (last name withheld) and when I could,my then best guy friend/companion Gary's place.Well,it wasn't really his place but his grandma's in that trailer park..There was one thing everyone it seemed in that immediate area had in common...A love for drinking and I mean ALOT of drinking.It wasn't abnormal to make a beer run for a case every couple of hours,sometimes sooner..2 of my buddies could polish a case off by themselves..The one was Gary..From the day I had met him,he was always very respectful,extremely mannerly towards women in general,usually could be found tinkering on a car or a lawn mower.I was staying with Rick as a result of having had my work hours from a job cut back so far I couldn't swing my rent anymore.Food was something then I was never too much concerned with.I was usually filling myself up with beers or taking more of my medications from my doctor for depression and anxiety than I should have.I wanted to keep that buzz going.Yes,I enjoyed feeling very relaxed which after drinking on top of my meds I would certainly get there..It eventually got to where I would have to have like 12-18 beers just to be getting any kind of buzz I could notice..I remember sometimes calling my brother up and telling him how much I had and he'd get really quiet..He of course knew I had a drinking history because we were really good party playmates through the years.Me and him with his band,me in the band when I felt like singing which wasn't often as I would get too shy,all the groupies and fans we could handle.It didn't bother him to have alot of people coming over all the time at crazy hours and it sorta didn't me but I would always find myself trailing away from the group looking for some solitude.In that solitude,I would usually look for ways to get a buzz again then I would come back sometimes at daylight the next morning and crash.(fall asleep for those who aren't familiar with then common slang)So it was a Sunday and that's the day Gary,Eric,Jo Jo(guy),Heather,me,Tommy,Vinny(girl),sometimes Rick would stop in,Bernie and who only knows who else all gathered together for the usual Nascar races and beer of course.(Those are the only ones I recall that day)..The game comes on and most everyone sits down and starts to watch it..I used to enjoy going to the races when I was younger but I never really got into staring at a screen and watching them so our gatherings on Sundays usually never held my interest and before long,I was finding myself sitting in my thoughts good and drunk and looking for someone to spend time with that wasn't glued to the tube..Well,from about Nov. 2003 up until that point,I had not many good memories at all and was still reeling from the blow of some pretty severe losses as far as family and stupid relationships go..I have no doubts that fed right back into my then drinking binges and need to "get away"..So they were watching the game and I had alot on my mind and wanted an "escape" and fairly quick..So with probably about 10? or so beers in me by then,I wasn't reaching that point so I went and got a bottle of Adderalls and just started dumping them down my throat..I remember after i swallowed about 10 looking at the bottle and deciding I shouldn't take anymore that it could probably "hurt me"(my exact thoughts at that particular moment) so I waited about 10 more minutes and figured I'd take a few Concerta 64's..Those usually calm ya down so I thought,with the Adderall(totally drugged by then and oblivious to the amount I had taken)I had begun feeling like I was out of control.I felt like a speeding racehorse and remember my heart palpitating to no end..So I put a few Concerta's down my throat.I remember looking at the clock because " i remembered" then that they took about 45 minutes to kick in so I sat down and figured I would wait to see if I would "slow down inside"(my thoughts and emotions,which were all over tha map at that point)and then go out for a walk..Well,no calm kicked in and suddenly I had a horrible energy I just knew I had to go and release somehow..So I went into the living room...Gary looked up at me with a seriously strange look,,I juust attributed it to he had too many to drink and no idea after that..He said,"are you ok?"..I said,"yeah.I just took some Adderall and other stuff because Im upset."...He said,"WHAT?""IM GOING TO CALL 911."..I looked at him and replied,"I'll be gone before they even get here."And I didn't mean death.I had meant I was going out for my walk to let off some steam from the now anger that was building with no logical reason behind it.I wasn't mad at him for even saying that,that I do recall.I just felt he didn't give me any time before I had took the pills for relief from my overflowing of thoughts about not being able to have my kids where I was,not having my own place,and everythingelse.And now he wanted me to go to a hospital where I could be even more isolated?..That was my thought pattern..Suddenly,I heard sirens..I ran out the back door.I could hear him yelling after me to stop but I didn't.There were some woods right at the edge of the park and I knew if I went in there no one would find me.Or at least not easily.I started walking into the woods and just suddenly felt like I couldn't go any further.So I sat down next to a tree.I started seeing stuff.Things I was positive weren't there.Tree branches suddenly became snakes and so I got up and meandered through the woods a bit further to get away from them..I then heard alot of voices and a dog barking..Uh oh.As out of it as I was(dying they would later say and didnt even know it)I knew they had to be police dogs and I also knew,that the dogs would sniff me out.So I ran into a set of railroad tracks,ran across them,and fell..I just laid there for what seemed like hours.I somehow(and God only knows how I was able to keep going when I should have been flat dead,not dying,probably around the time I sat next to the tree and my vision was almost unmanageable)was able to get back up and I just casually walked down the tracks..I don't know exactly how long I was in that area for but it started to get dark out and (this was how i was thinking under the influence of so many pills and again,like they told me,actively then dying)I knew I needed somewhere to sleep.I was just getting too tired to stay awake.I eventually came across a building and went inside.I would later find out it was the train station.I was looking for a phone so I could call Gary and tell him I didn't think I was going to make it.He was on the line and by this time,screaming and crying and begging me to tell him where I was.i wouldn't.I didn't want to be bothered by the law at that point or go to any hospital.I had enough time to run through my head people I had seen die in my life and I figured that wasn't how I was going to go@be in a hospital and pass away..So he told me,the police had traced my call and knew where I was..Again,God only knows where I found the energy to leave that place and start walking down 101 in Sandusky,Ohio..I was now walking down 101,got all the way to Monroe Street,started heading in the direction to where my former love had lived..I was walking down these streets and remember people were coming out of their houses,sometimes in groups and just staring at me."How odd it is that these people are all out this late",I thought..but I kept on walking..I was finally around Campbell street and heading back to another part of Monroe Street and some guy came off his porch and asked me to come there..I said,"No" and started walking really fast away from him...I thought he was a criminal..I would later find out he was a police detective.(don't know their technical title)..So by now,and like literally out of nowhere there are alot of cars suddenly coming through the intersection where I was and some stopping right in the middle of the intersection and a couple pulling up by the corner old gas station lot I was now resting at.But i knew something was wrong..I had been in this city off and on for years and this activity was not normal,at all.I now heard the sound of helicopters,looked up and they were flashing a light over me..So I hurriedly went across the street and starting going up Monroe Street to Camp street.Again,like every other house,people were coming out on their porches and walking down the sidewalks..I asked a guy what time it was and he said,"1 o'clock a.m."..I replied to him and with a major attitude, "And everyone is out at this hour huh?Yeah,I know what's going on now.They want me."..He asked me to wait with him and told me an ambulance was coming..I said,"NO!" very firmly and walked away...I eventually got to Camp street and took a right to my newest friend's house and figured if I could make it there,I could get some rest and people would stop following me..I went up to her door,no one answered.I knocked at her neighbor's door to see if they would know where she was and no answer there either..So I just plopped myself down on her porch and sat.Right then an ambulance pulls up with Lord knows how many police cars and a gentleman walks up and says,"Come with me." I gave in.I was too exhausted to fight anymore and wasn't able to walk anymore at that point.They put me in the back of the ambulance,couldn't get an IV going,took my vitals and just shook his head at his partner and I asked the paramedic,"Am I going to make it?"..He didn't say a word and I finally went unconcious...To be continued later..