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Through the storm
by katydid07 » Sun Sep 12, 2010 5:27 pm
I was born on a dark, and dreary day in August...
Too many stories start out this way. But this time it is very true. I was born on August 20, 1986, and it was indeed dark and dreary... But if I started from birth, this would be entirely too long.
I don't really remember a lot of my childhood. I remember a lot of yelling, a lot of fighting, and a lot of turmoil in my house. I also remember that yelling being aimed all at me, and usually no one else. My parents divorced when I was 6 years old, 4 months after my youngest brother was born. (I have 2 younger brothers). The constant yelling, became a part of my daily life, and I honestly thought it was normal for this to happen in a family.
When I started 6th grade, one of my new friends invited me to a youth group at her church. I was hesitant, but decided to give it a shot. I loved it, and I went week after week. I even started going to the actual church services a month after going to the youth groups. I loved youth group. We got to play games, sing, eat!, and got to get away from the house for a while. It was the best ever. But there was one thing missing. God!
10th grade rolled around, and the youth group was going on a trip to Southern California. (which is not unusual, as we usually took 4-5 trips a year). Little did I know that this trip would save my life. I gave my life to the lord on April 6, 2002.
I wish I could say that my life got easier, but it didn't. It actually got harder...
I was living mostly with my mother at the time, and there would not be a day that passed, without my mother yelling at me. Every day, my mom would tell me I was useless, that no one loved me, that I was a piece of trash, swore at me, told me to get away from her. She told me that i am unlovable, and that I was not a member of HER family. She told me that I could do nothing right. Every. Single. Day. Of. My. Life.
Junior year of high school came around, and my moms constant degrading and yelling, was getting so bad, I no longer wanted to live. I couldn't understand why my mom hated me so much. If my own mother doesn't love me, who could? I became very suicidal. I tried to end my life, by overdosing on drugs. I survived, and I am so thankful I did. God saved me..
After my suicide try, I moved in with my father, hoping for some sort of relief. Things were actually really good... for 3 months. Then my father started in on me. He would yell at me, saying that I was a piece of... and that I was a screw-up and a failure. My senior year of high school, my father turned to alcohol. The constant yelling whenever I was home, soon turned into my father throwing things at me, hoping to hurt me. From there, it turned into my father spanking me, because I was a "bad kid." Spanking turned into beatings. It got to be so bad, that I would have to crawl on my hands and knees to my room, my safety.. and somehow crawl onto my bed. Often I could not get into bed, and stayed on the floor. I missed many school days because of it. I couldn't turn to anyone. My dad threatened to hurt me, or kill me, if I told anyone.. So I remained quiet, out of fear..
Things went on like this for 3 years. Until I moved away to college. When I moved away, the harrassment of my father continued. My mother was in contact with me this entire time before, but only out of requirements of the state order. My father would call and email me incessantly, and even came up to my college just to yell at me, or to smack me around. When I came home for Thanksgiving break that first year, I went to visit my mother. My mother then told me to get away from her. That I was not her daughter, that she didn't love me, and if I were to step foot on her property again, she would call the police on me. She told me to stay away from her, and to this day, I have not been able to talk to her.. it has been almost 4 years.. My mother disowned me.
On Christmas Eve 2007, I came home from seeing a movie with a friend. My father was not home yet. So I turned on my tv, and went into bed, and starting drifting off to sleep. I heard my father come home about an hour later. Before I knew it, my dad was on top of me, and had taken off my pajamas. That night, my father raped me.
I was not a bad kid, folks. I got straight A's, never drank alcohol or did drugs. I went to church. I kept my room clean. I did everything that was asked of me.I wasn't perfect, but I did what I was supposed to do..
I started realizing that my family was not what you would call "normal." I realized through this magnficent church, that I could create my own family in Christ. And that God would heal me from my pain. I started realizing that what I had gone through was not what anyone should go through. Yes, I was 20 years old or so when I started realizing this. But I did not know better..
On April 17, 2008, my life took a turn. I was in and out of the ER for 6 weeks before this. I had been having a lot of bone pain, I would spike fevers for no reason, I was bruising like crazy, for no apparent reason, and I kept passing out. After 6 weeks of tests, they finally sent me to a specialist. On that April 17th, I was diagnosed with cancer. Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia.
When I broke the news to both of my parents, their responses were so similiar, I thought perhaps they had rehearsed it. It went something like this: "So what? You caused this yourself. This is what you get for not taking care of yourself. It is your fault. That's what you get for being a fat pig. I hope you don't expect me or my family to support you during this time." I was heartbroken, and I didn't understand..
I went through 2 long rounds of chemotherapy. It made me so sick, I had to put college on hold for a little bit. After those 2 rounds, my team of doctors sat me and my pastor (and his wife), down. And told me that I was not responding to any treatments. In fact, I was getting worse. They had tried every drug made for my type of cancer, and multiple combinations, yet nothing was working. The doctors then told me that I could continue to try chemo, but that they wouldn't recommend it. The chances of it working this time, would be very slim, and while they would support me with whatever decision I made.. they told me it was probably not in my best interest.
They then told me that I need a bone marrow transplant. And that this transplant is my best chance of survival. They went on to explain that for my type of Leukemia, a bone marrow transplant is required of all patients, to maintain remission. But I was in desperate need. They told me that my brothers and my parents would be my best chance for a match. When I asked them all to just get tested (which is free and painless), they refused. To this day, they have not gotten even gotten tested to see if they are a match! I am still on the transplant list, and have had no luck so far. But bone marrow is the hardest thing to find a match for.
When I moved home after college, I went back to living with my father, because I did not have a choice. The abuse continued, and I started confiding in a friend about what was going on. She pulled me out of that house, and allowed me to stay with her and her mom for a while. But I began to make it hard on my friend and her mom financially (which is understandable). And they told me that I had to move out. I understood completely. I was only working 1 part time job, and it was not enough to pay rent.
Long story short, in April 2010, I became homeless. I had no place to go. Even my small church were very limited on resources. After many days of looking for help, I finally received it. I was welcomed into a homeless shelter. It was the best in the area, and they were determined to help me get on my two feet. It was something that was very hard to go through, and I cannot describe in words, how hard it was. I stayed at the shelter for about 4 months, until a coworker invited me to rent a space from her, for a really good amount of rent. Which is where I am now. (and fairly happy).
I am not telling you all this for sympathy or for attention. Rather to show you what God can pull people through. There were days upon days where I didn't know how I was going to make it through. But I DID! There were/are days where I don't know where God is, or what He is doing, or if He even cares. But it always comes down to the truth.
Even on the days where I felt abandoned by God, He was there holding my hand, crying out with me. Feeling my pain. He would enwrap me with His arms at night, and just hold me. When I felt so alone, He was never far. Ever.
God has taught me to perceiver. He has taught me what it means to "take up your cross daily." To give all burdens to him. To trust in Him. God has taught me that my eternal Father will never leave or forsake me, like my earthly father has. He has taught me that I am a miracle. And that I can use what I have been through, to help others. And to spread the power and love of God all over. I have overcome all odds! Glory be to God!
This is just a few examples of what God has done for me through this turmoil. I have graduated college with a BA in Liberal Studies. I PAID for my entire college on my own, with no financial support. I have/had the opportunity to work with youth and children in my churches. I have had opportunities to go on mission trips, and just to love on people. I have gotten out of an abusive home, into a better home for me. I have overcome homelessness, and I now have a solid roof over my head. I NEVER went hungry, I NEVER did not have a place to sleep (even in homelessness). God has given me the right people to get me through situations.
It so hard to see what God is doing in your life in the midst of a problem. But I am living testimony, that shows that God is working. God is good. He brings us through things to prepare us. He brings us through things to show His love and mercy, and to show his undying love. God knows all about pain.. and through Him we can receive healing!
I know this is long, but its my story. My God story. Praise be to God! Thank you for reading!
Too many stories start out this way. But this time it is very true. I was born on August 20, 1986, and it was indeed dark and dreary... But if I started from birth, this would be entirely too long.
I don't really remember a lot of my childhood. I remember a lot of yelling, a lot of fighting, and a lot of turmoil in my house. I also remember that yelling being aimed all at me, and usually no one else. My parents divorced when I was 6 years old, 4 months after my youngest brother was born. (I have 2 younger brothers). The constant yelling, became a part of my daily life, and I honestly thought it was normal for this to happen in a family.
When I started 6th grade, one of my new friends invited me to a youth group at her church. I was hesitant, but decided to give it a shot. I loved it, and I went week after week. I even started going to the actual church services a month after going to the youth groups. I loved youth group. We got to play games, sing, eat!, and got to get away from the house for a while. It was the best ever. But there was one thing missing. God!
10th grade rolled around, and the youth group was going on a trip to Southern California. (which is not unusual, as we usually took 4-5 trips a year). Little did I know that this trip would save my life. I gave my life to the lord on April 6, 2002.
I wish I could say that my life got easier, but it didn't. It actually got harder...
I was living mostly with my mother at the time, and there would not be a day that passed, without my mother yelling at me. Every day, my mom would tell me I was useless, that no one loved me, that I was a piece of trash, swore at me, told me to get away from her. She told me that i am unlovable, and that I was not a member of HER family. She told me that I could do nothing right. Every. Single. Day. Of. My. Life.
Junior year of high school came around, and my moms constant degrading and yelling, was getting so bad, I no longer wanted to live. I couldn't understand why my mom hated me so much. If my own mother doesn't love me, who could? I became very suicidal. I tried to end my life, by overdosing on drugs. I survived, and I am so thankful I did. God saved me..
After my suicide try, I moved in with my father, hoping for some sort of relief. Things were actually really good... for 3 months. Then my father started in on me. He would yell at me, saying that I was a piece of... and that I was a screw-up and a failure. My senior year of high school, my father turned to alcohol. The constant yelling whenever I was home, soon turned into my father throwing things at me, hoping to hurt me. From there, it turned into my father spanking me, because I was a "bad kid." Spanking turned into beatings. It got to be so bad, that I would have to crawl on my hands and knees to my room, my safety.. and somehow crawl onto my bed. Often I could not get into bed, and stayed on the floor. I missed many school days because of it. I couldn't turn to anyone. My dad threatened to hurt me, or kill me, if I told anyone.. So I remained quiet, out of fear..
Things went on like this for 3 years. Until I moved away to college. When I moved away, the harrassment of my father continued. My mother was in contact with me this entire time before, but only out of requirements of the state order. My father would call and email me incessantly, and even came up to my college just to yell at me, or to smack me around. When I came home for Thanksgiving break that first year, I went to visit my mother. My mother then told me to get away from her. That I was not her daughter, that she didn't love me, and if I were to step foot on her property again, she would call the police on me. She told me to stay away from her, and to this day, I have not been able to talk to her.. it has been almost 4 years.. My mother disowned me.
On Christmas Eve 2007, I came home from seeing a movie with a friend. My father was not home yet. So I turned on my tv, and went into bed, and starting drifting off to sleep. I heard my father come home about an hour later. Before I knew it, my dad was on top of me, and had taken off my pajamas. That night, my father raped me.
I was not a bad kid, folks. I got straight A's, never drank alcohol or did drugs. I went to church. I kept my room clean. I did everything that was asked of me.I wasn't perfect, but I did what I was supposed to do..
I started realizing that my family was not what you would call "normal." I realized through this magnficent church, that I could create my own family in Christ. And that God would heal me from my pain. I started realizing that what I had gone through was not what anyone should go through. Yes, I was 20 years old or so when I started realizing this. But I did not know better..
On April 17, 2008, my life took a turn. I was in and out of the ER for 6 weeks before this. I had been having a lot of bone pain, I would spike fevers for no reason, I was bruising like crazy, for no apparent reason, and I kept passing out. After 6 weeks of tests, they finally sent me to a specialist. On that April 17th, I was diagnosed with cancer. Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia.
When I broke the news to both of my parents, their responses were so similiar, I thought perhaps they had rehearsed it. It went something like this: "So what? You caused this yourself. This is what you get for not taking care of yourself. It is your fault. That's what you get for being a fat pig. I hope you don't expect me or my family to support you during this time." I was heartbroken, and I didn't understand..
I went through 2 long rounds of chemotherapy. It made me so sick, I had to put college on hold for a little bit. After those 2 rounds, my team of doctors sat me and my pastor (and his wife), down. And told me that I was not responding to any treatments. In fact, I was getting worse. They had tried every drug made for my type of cancer, and multiple combinations, yet nothing was working. The doctors then told me that I could continue to try chemo, but that they wouldn't recommend it. The chances of it working this time, would be very slim, and while they would support me with whatever decision I made.. they told me it was probably not in my best interest.
They then told me that I need a bone marrow transplant. And that this transplant is my best chance of survival. They went on to explain that for my type of Leukemia, a bone marrow transplant is required of all patients, to maintain remission. But I was in desperate need. They told me that my brothers and my parents would be my best chance for a match. When I asked them all to just get tested (which is free and painless), they refused. To this day, they have not gotten even gotten tested to see if they are a match! I am still on the transplant list, and have had no luck so far. But bone marrow is the hardest thing to find a match for.
When I moved home after college, I went back to living with my father, because I did not have a choice. The abuse continued, and I started confiding in a friend about what was going on. She pulled me out of that house, and allowed me to stay with her and her mom for a while. But I began to make it hard on my friend and her mom financially (which is understandable). And they told me that I had to move out. I understood completely. I was only working 1 part time job, and it was not enough to pay rent.
Long story short, in April 2010, I became homeless. I had no place to go. Even my small church were very limited on resources. After many days of looking for help, I finally received it. I was welcomed into a homeless shelter. It was the best in the area, and they were determined to help me get on my two feet. It was something that was very hard to go through, and I cannot describe in words, how hard it was. I stayed at the shelter for about 4 months, until a coworker invited me to rent a space from her, for a really good amount of rent. Which is where I am now. (and fairly happy).
I am not telling you all this for sympathy or for attention. Rather to show you what God can pull people through. There were days upon days where I didn't know how I was going to make it through. But I DID! There were/are days where I don't know where God is, or what He is doing, or if He even cares. But it always comes down to the truth.
Even on the days where I felt abandoned by God, He was there holding my hand, crying out with me. Feeling my pain. He would enwrap me with His arms at night, and just hold me. When I felt so alone, He was never far. Ever.
God has taught me to perceiver. He has taught me what it means to "take up your cross daily." To give all burdens to him. To trust in Him. God has taught me that my eternal Father will never leave or forsake me, like my earthly father has. He has taught me that I am a miracle. And that I can use what I have been through, to help others. And to spread the power and love of God all over. I have overcome all odds! Glory be to God!
This is just a few examples of what God has done for me through this turmoil. I have graduated college with a BA in Liberal Studies. I PAID for my entire college on my own, with no financial support. I have/had the opportunity to work with youth and children in my churches. I have had opportunities to go on mission trips, and just to love on people. I have gotten out of an abusive home, into a better home for me. I have overcome homelessness, and I now have a solid roof over my head. I NEVER went hungry, I NEVER did not have a place to sleep (even in homelessness). God has given me the right people to get me through situations.
It so hard to see what God is doing in your life in the midst of a problem. But I am living testimony, that shows that God is working. God is good. He brings us through things to prepare us. He brings us through things to show His love and mercy, and to show his undying love. God knows all about pain.. and through Him we can receive healing!
I know this is long, but its my story. My God story. Praise be to God! Thank you for reading!
-
katydid07 
- Posts: 2
- Location: California
- Marital Status: Single
by undergrace » Sun Sep 12, 2010 9:22 pm
Wow....Your story brought tears to my eyes. I have had a similar experience as you have had but not as bad. We never know why we go through some of the things we do, especially from our parents who are suppose to love us and teach us how to live. I am so proud of you for all of your accomplishments, I never thought I could be smart enough to go to college so I never did. I am 41 now and I have an 8 yr old son and I tell him every single day that I love him and I tell him that I am so glad that God gave him to me. I don't ever want my son to experience what I experienced as a child. Your best is yet to come my friend, God is and will continue to use you in a great and mighty way. I wish you the best and look forward to hearing your testimony of your complete healing. You have your bone marrow, it's JESUS. Love
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undergrace
Katydid
by Dora » Mon Sep 13, 2010 9:43 am
What an awesome testimony to God. You're an overcomer through Him.
Was touched by your story. God is good, indeed.
Was touched by your story. God is good, indeed.
Sorrow looks back, Worry looks around, But faith looks up! Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly and trust in our Creator who loves us.-
Dora - Posts: 3759
- Location: In Gods Hands
- Marital Status: Married
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