Christianity Oasis Forum

[jamisfaithnjoy]

I hope this post is going to land in the area where I already started my testimony.If not,it's no big deal..What I'm about to finish is the rest of my incident July 29th,2004.As I sit here,I look back and wonder,"How is the mind capable of remembering so much at times when the brain really shouldn't be "working"?At least not an incident so serious.You would think the brain would just shut down when you're vitals get so low and you're being written off with a death certificate because some nurse is clocking your death!Literally waiting for you to die so she can put her folder on your bed and hand you over to Ralph the morgue guy.I have no idea what their actually called and I'm certainly not about to go look it up..but ack to what I was saying about the memory remembering stuff that seriously isn't a good thing to be remembered without a doubt..Nothing you want to "hold onto" for certain..But the way my mom explained it to me is the brain can literally roll like a camera until your just within hours of taking your last breath..Someone also once told me this incident resulted in what would haunt me for years after,like a rippling effect after a good earthquake..It's called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder..Well,to be totally honest,I'm surprised a word was even made to be attached to something so severe..if you're reading this,and you know who you are ,don't sit there and smile too long at my "beating around the bush" with finishing this part of my testimony because yes,I guess that's what I just did and here's why...

Story finishes now...

When I finally came to,I was in the emergency room at Firelands Hospital in Sandusky,Ohio and there were nurses coming and going,more than 1 doctor,which is an odd thing.Most hospitals Ive been to or heard of(@e.r. rooms) only have 1 doc usually come into your room.But..ugh..Im starting to feel sick to my stomach right now so I'm going to try to hurry this up..Anyways,...I recall someone sticking a huge and long pipe or hose of some sort down my throat and my head just slumping backwards and another nurse came in and the nurse who put that thing down my throat said to the other something to the effect of it not going to undo the damage so to basically inform the doctor they were just going to "let me go".I then heard a louder beep than I had been hearing and so I looked over my shoulder,somehow,(only God knows how I moved or got through any of what happened and what would come until my stay out of ICU)and seen my vitals..49/13 and it wasn't going very fast but the numbers were slowly going down..taking their time sorta but all the same..Then a lady came in,that would tell me she was my doctor,and put a flashlight in my eyes and told me "Just go to sleep" in a seriously quiet,relaxed tone..I rolled my slumped head to the right,my tongue practically hanging out,couldnt move a leg,finger or anything but managed to whisper to her, "I can't die.I have kids.I have a daughter whose waiting for me and we have to get to Kentucky as soon as I get out"..I had been planning on moving there and that was just a couple weeks shy literally of when I had originally planned to move there so Im thinking,somehow in my mind,I still remembered that and was able to convey that to her...She just looked at me,and tilted her head down so she was looking over her eyeglasses with an expression that said nothing but,"How are you still talking?"and she didnt say anything but started to load up a needle from a vial and I read it,CLEARLY,..it said,"dresdead"...I asked her what it was,now being scared completely out of my wits from the word I was reading and knowing I was in bad shape but not being aware of just HOW bad..and all she said to me was the same thing she had told me just moments earlier.."Just go to sleep"...I looked at her and screamed,"No!Don't put that in me!" and was suddenly able to move my arms but they felt like someone had dropped weights on them but I moved my left one just long enough to rip my I.V. lines out..Then a nurse named Michelle(yes,I do remember her name because she was the only one who actually broke down and cried)came in,looked at me and started bawling,putting her head in her hands,saying,"She's trying to fight" and was telling the doctor that BUT the doctor asked her to leave my room so she did but she had tears just streaming down..I recall once I finally got out of the hospital and the memories of some of it started to come back,that the reason she probably did cry was because she knew the doctor wasnt about to invest anymore time in me and Michelle knew that there were treatments to speed my heart,and everythingelse back up long enough for my body to see if it could do it on it's own or not..Plus,my own mom verified that much...But anyways,getting back to the incident,..after I yanked the I.V's out,blood was spurting everywhere and the blonde haired nurse asked another nurse to call the morgue and have "Ralph" come to my room soon.I will NEVER forget that as long as I live, if no other part of what happened.The blonde nurse was now standing to the left of me,filling out an actual death certificate on me and she said aloud,"5:15,(it was am)time of death." and continued writing and placed a blue toe tag on top of my left foot,which i ended up wiggling off..Then she asked the other nurse what to put down for cause of death because they of all the circumstances surrounding what happened and the other nurse said,"Suicide..Call the Register"..Which was that town's newspaper..Was for the listing for the following day I guess..Well,I looked out to the end of my emergency room I was in and the curtain was shut but it only went half way to the ground so ,I could now see a yellow gurney just on the other side that hadn't been there before with a man standing there..and a badge that said Ralph..he came in the room,stood at the edge of my bed and I told him to "get away" "go away"..All I knew was he was taking me to a place I was never coming back from and I was not about to go..Sitting on my deathbed,I managed to reach over and throw the tray the nurse had my death certificate sitting on,whatever was sitting on that tray and security coming in..they didnt restrain me after that,which surprises me but ive heard when you're that far gone,alot of that is just reflexes or a last minute effort to fight death..nothing that usually happenes after a couple times so that would explain why I dont recall being tied down to my bed or anything..Well,an unknown amount of time passed and I now am in what definitely looks like a morgue(ive seen one in real life at the hospital my mom worked at@St.Vincent's hospital when I was 14 so im kinda familiar with the layout)but the room was missing some things a morgue has so I knew I wasnt there but..I had no idea where I was and couldnt talk,couldnt move...i remember laying on that bed,being rolled up like a taco or something,in a very light blanket and laying on my side staring at the wall for what didnt seem longer than a couple minutes, then BAM..just like a flash of lightening(@ how fast it happens),I was not in my body? anymore..I was like on the ceiling or hovering just above it,looking down at my body laying there and a heavyset lady,probably in her 50's,with grayish,blonde hair that had been rolled with possibly curlers,she was standing over my body shaking me and talking to me..There was a big white cloud,and ALOT of white light around that cloud between me and the lady.I was still on top of the room looking below..I dont know how much time elapsed or what happened after that but i became conscious again and found myself "waking up"? in the emergency room again..but this wouldn't be for long..I would then wake up in an area of the hospital underground that was very dark and scary beyond belief...I remember laying there crying,shaking and freezing cold and seemed like alot of time had passed before a nurse came in my room,asked how i was doing and I said,"Not good.i want out of here."..She simply and to the point answered me back with,"IF you leave here and make it back to the emergency room AND up to ICU after that...(she cut her own self off talking and finally just said,"Honey,I dont know what's going to happen"..Again,alot of time had elapsed where I would seemingly only wake up long enough to ask either,"Am I going to make it?" Or "I want to go home..or to Kentucky,or leave here"Something to that effect I remembered I stated often during the 1st week in the intensive care unit. I kept going unconcious(this was something that had went on for I would find out later almost a week)and the only thing probably keeping me alive in the early days was the i.v. feeding tubes..Those things would end up becoming almost a stress ball,dangerously so,when I got scared..The nurse finally ended up putting me unconcious after one more time of yanking it out of my arm..Suddenly,I'm being shaken and a nurse is telling me some lady is going to be up to my room shortly and can I stay awake long enough for her to get there..I said I'd try,then went under again,this time from being heavily sedated I think..Im now getting woke up by this woman about 5"5,long brown hair,probably in her late 20's,BIG MAYBE early 30's, and she has a folder in her hand and is asking me to get up and go sit at a table with her..I told her,"I can't walk" then quickly to..."Am I going to die?" She was real quiet..A nurse came in and put me in a wheelchair and wheeled me over to a table where me and the woman with the folder were now sitting across from each other..and I asked her,"Are you the chaplain or something?",totally thinking she was there waiting,like everyonelse it seemed,for me to pass away but they were getting their procedures ready before then..She told me she wasn't a chaplain and to this day,I have no idea who she was BUT she was a central figure around my intensive care unit stay..She hung around my room alot and was always writing notes and asking the nurses and doctors alot of questions.None of which I remember.They either werent in ear shot or my mind had already too much stored to be taking in anymore than neccessary,Im thinking both looking back...So were sitting at that table and I asked her once again, "Am I going to die shortly?"..She said,"I dont know.I dont know how long you'll be here or if you're even going to make it.I dont have that answer."..I said,"Who does?"..And she calmly,i remember with ALOT of sudden like caringness in her face and voice,she replied,"I don't know."..No one seemed to no anything and the one question I wanted answered more than anything was just that..Was I going to die...I knew I was in very bad shape..I was wearing hospital garb,on and off oxygen,couldnt walk,could only talk for so long,was losing weight like a sieve and dangerously even..Because I had did major temporary damage to my muscle function and nervous system as it stood at the time,I was very far off from being able to have jello,clear pop or any of the norms they give you at a hospital when trying to nurse you back to health..Straight iv's and a desire to live,while knowing death could come knocking back at any moment..I had to trudge on...I was in the intensive care unit for a week and a 1/2 and the world would have no clue what had happened to me or what was happening..I wasnt able to talk long enough when they initially brought me into the emergency room so they never got family members names or contacts..My family hadnt heard from me in over a week nor my kids and would later tell me,they thought I had just left for Kentucky without telling anyone ..My brother,who I had kept in contact with every single day back then,would tell me once he picked me up from my release that,"I thought you got murdered and they werent finding your body or something" because he knew that it was very unlike me to go days without calling him regardless of how busy my life was,if i was partying or whatever..calling him was as natural as breathing....I need some sleep now,it late and I have alot to do tomorrow..boy,i cant wait until i can finally get this whole thing finished and find some organization for it,as time allows