Christianity Oasis Member Forum & Chat Room

Hi, I'm new here and glad I found this site. You see, I've been married for 34 years to my husband and have 5 wonderful adult children. My husband has always had a lot of anger and we have worked through a lot of issues over the years. His childhood was not great and after I found that out, I figured out how to deal with him ( I make it sound so simple, don't I? It wasn't!!) and things got better for the most part.

Over the last 10 years his health has declined. He has diabetes and Lyme disease and now he is dealing with a case of shingles. He also has been given the approval to have both knees replaced IF he can get his diabetes under control. but he won't do anything to help himself. He refuses to take medication and so his sugar stays in the mid to high 300 range. We prefer to do what we can naturally when it comes to our health but there comes a time when it's time for the doctors to help and I think we are way passed that time.

My problem, however is with me! I'm so frustrated with him sitting around, doing nothing but whining about his health that I want to scream. I know I am not being a good supportive wife. I bring in most of the income so I work a lot. That's good since it gets me out of the house! He actually isn't doing "nothing", he's researching all of his symptoms on the Internet, trying to find a quick fix. When he finds a miracle cure, he wants to spend a bunch of money on it and if I question it, I am "not being supportive and just want him to die." I feel guilty because I know he is in pain and miserable. I also feel guilty because I am healthy and want to do so many things that I can't do because of his health. See how bad I am? I spent the last 6 years giving up my life and effecting my health taking care of his elderly parents. Now, I fulfilled my promise to them to allow them to remain in their home until they died and have gotten my health almost back to normal and now I want to enjoy life! Before that I was raising the kids pretty much single handedly for 25+ years.
So my question is, how do I deal with this? I love life, he hates it. I love the Lord and want to serve Him. My husband, not so much! I want to live life and enjoy every minute. He says there can't be a hell because nothing could be worse than his life. Sigh... I try to spend time with him but it's hard to love a porcupine! You try to hug it and you get stabbed! I do all the house work and the majority of the yard work so he doesn't have to. I even bought a smaller chain saw this fall so I can cut firewood and he doesn't have to.
Another issue is our finances. He has never been a great provider, even when he was healthier. I wanted to be a stay at home mom but that seldom worked if I wanted a home for the kids to live in. I'm not talking about luxuries. When the kids were growing up, we had the bare necessities! So, now we're playing catch up. He is 10 years older than I am and the way his health is, he probably won't make it til he's 90 like his parents. So I feel like I have to prepare. Am I selfish? I cleaned up 2 of our extra bedrooms and rented them to college students, supplementing our income and i am working a full time and two part time jobs. I don't mind. I love my jobs!
I think he would like for me to sit with him and watch TV 24/7 and commiserate. I get too frustrated with his Eeyore attitude. I just can't do it. Even if he gets an herbal product that seems to help, he doesn't admit that it is helping and quits taking it! I know he is depressed. I guess I have no patience for someone who only wants to complain and not do something. So, new friends, if you have stuck with me this long, you're a saint! Tell me how I can be the good wife I should be. Or at least pray for me!! Thanks for listening! ~~K

In reading my post, I seem to come across as cold hearted. I am not! I want him to feel good again, I want him to be happy. I want him to come to know the Lord but I have worked for years to get him to see it that way. It's not working and I think no matter what I do, it has to come from him. I am a servant at heart and will drop everything I am doing to run upstairs and get something for him or do what he needs. Probably even an enabler at times. He is also not a complete invalid. He does work several hours each day and will on occasions have supper started or even load the dishwasher but that is rare and a big surprise to me. I know he is in pain all the time and I don't know what to do to help him! Thanks for reading this.

Hello Zinnia

God bless you this day. By the way, I love your name...Zinnias are one my favorite flowers.

I don't think you sound cold-hearted at all -- NOT ONE BIT. Probably because I truly understand, I've been there...actually I'm wearing the shirt right now. Only difference is, my hubby is awesome...but, my elderly parents live with us, and ohhhhhhhhhhhhh my goodness!!! Negative people are very waring to the soul -- theirs and anyone's that is around them for any amount of time. If I say "It is a beautiful day today -- so bright and sunny, yeah!!!" their reply is "it's supposed to rain for the next week."

Guilt sticks to me like trash blowing in the wind. But, with God's help, I'm learning to flick it off. God is Good!!! My hubby and I do what we can to help them, to keep them safe, housed, fed, cleaned, take them to their doctor's appointments, etc., but we cannot live their lives for them, nor can we partake in their dismal attitude towards life, nor receive the guilt that they try to put upon us.

We do have compassion. Thank You Jesus!!! There are times that I want to explode and and spew at them, but God helps me overcome the temptation, and then He gives me a double dose of compassion for them. They are miserable, and they physically hurt, and I know the way the enemy of our soul works...he is relentless. Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do. And, help me Father to be and do as You would have me -- reflecting the love of Jesus. Jesus loves them, and helps me to love, unconditionally. Although, sometimes I fall far too short, The Lord is faithful and continues to offer grace and mercy.

Ephesians 6:12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

II Corinthians 10:4-5
(4) (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) (5) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

Zinnia, I encourage you to read the 14 Day Study: COOL Confidential Christian Counseling Study (CCCC). It helped me, greatly, and hundreds (if not thousands) of others, as well. Here is the link: http://www.christianityoasis.com/CCCC/Forum.htm

I also encourage you to keep reaching out, and coming here. You are not alone, Zinnia. There are many of us, enduring similar trials and tribulations. God is Good!!!

God bless and keep you.
Love,
Sister Mack

Dear Sister Mack, thank you!! Your reply was very helpful and healing. I love those two verses you copied for me. They are among my favorites. ( in the list of 2 or 3....... hundred favorite verses!). So, if your parents are so negative, how did you get to be such a sweetie? Bless you for taking care of your parents! I can really relate except it was my in laws. My father in law had Alzheimer's and was combative and angry although he had not been that way before the illness. My mother in law was negative and bitter. And she had been that way for a long time! So I took care of them at their house until she died, suffering under her abuse for 5 years then moved my father in law to our house where he lived with us for 10 months until he died. I have no regrets except if I were to do it again, I would have taken better care of ME!

Once I got my life back, I started doing things that I want to do. I just got home from a class I'm taking at a local church. I am so enjoying it! My husband won't do a lot of fun stuff with me so I have decided I will do some of it on my own. I do want to spend time with him but I imagine he feels like I just run in, change clothes and run back out as I go between my jobs and this class.

Since I am new to this site, I don't know all the ends and outs. I was just thinking there should be a caregiver area where we can support each other.

I was checking into the counseling course and now for sure I will do it.

One of my goals for 2012 is to memorize a verse each month. I would say one a week but it's one of those things where they say not to make your goals unattainable. My brain just doesn't retain things like it did years ago. But at the end of the
year I'll have 12 new verses in this old brain and that pretty awesome! I'd love to have someone join me to keep me accountable!

Btw, my name came from the fact that my grandfather did and now my mom and I put a row of zinnias in our garden each year. Mom saves the seeds each year and still uses the same ones grandpa had and he died 23 years ago!

Blessings to you as you take care of your parents. My God give you an extra dose of peace!

~K

Hello Zinnia

God bless you this day.

Oh, I love the story about the zinnia seeds. Awesome!!! Thank you for sharing.

I encourage you to continue seeking the Lord, and to continue coming here, reading the Studies, getting to know all the marvelous members here. God has blessed us all with this site, and I'm so glad He led you here.

My parents were always very independent in their younger years, and full of vim and vigor. Sadly as their physical abilities waned, due to age and many health issues, it also took it's toll on their demeanor. God has used their moving in (8+ years ago) with my hubby and me, and many other life challenges, to bring us closer to Him and to show us just how much we need Him...a.k.a. we were pretty independent ourselves, and running after worldly quests and endeavors. So, anything good in me or that comes out of me, is without a doubt, Him. I am truly just as God described me in (I Corinthians 1:26-31). So, if there is any sweetness in me, it is Him through me. Thank You Jesus.

Zinnia, I'm glad you are allowing yourself more time to get closer to God, because as your relationship with Him grows, it will not only benefit you, but everyone around you. The Lord is so very amazing!!!

We have quite a few Chat programs here on this site too, so if you are interested check out the Calendar of Chat Events. Please note that all times posted on the Calendar are Eastern Standard Time, so adjust your time accordingly.

I'm so glad the Lord led you here, Zinnia, and I'm looking forward to getting to know you and seeing you around the site.

God bless and keep you, Zinnia.
Love,
Sister Mack

Hi Zinnia and welcome to Oasis! Im so glad the Lord led you here. Like Mack, I too have seen many many lives and hearts changed through the CCCC steps. Thank You, Holy Spirit!

Sister in Jesus, you are so not alone. As I read your posts..and Mack's (who, btw, also talked me through a lot of difficult times, thank You again, Holy Spirit ) it sounded alot like my recent story. I too, took care of some elderly family members until they went Home. My Aunt was the most recent..and passed away this past March. So, please know that what you are feeling..wow...if it isnt normal, it is common!

Allow the Lord to bring some much needed healing and refreshing to you through this time. He did lead you here, and here is where you'll find it. Let Him love on you as you seek His ministering to your heart.

Again, Im so glad the Lord led you here. Just wanted to tell you that you arent alone.

In Jesus,
love momo

Hey thanks, momof3!
I appreciate the encouragement. We have had an incredibly busy fall with big events in our family. ( weddings, kids moving across the country, job changes, college graduation, etc.) It has left us all stopping to catch our breath, then heading into the Christmas season, makes my head spin. I know I'm just physically and mentally exhausted! Thanks for the note, as I have time, I will explore the site more. Hope to see you on here again.

~K

Wow reading your post I was overwhelmed. I could have been reading my own situtation, my own life. I am new to this so I dont really know what to say. But I can say you are not alone we could have just changed names and it was me and my husband Rick. I will put your on my devotional prayer list. Keep your chin up.

Akie, I read your post some time ago but didn't respond. Sorry!I appreciate your prayers. I would love to talk more and encourage each other if you would like.

~K