Emptiness within
Posted: Fri Jan 13, 2012 6:17 pm
When I was about eleven years old I began to gain weight. I was actually a skinny child up until then. Since then I've been big.
As I got into my mid-teens I started to battle it but I never really got anywhere and I could never figure out why. Part of it was that I never had anyone to do any of it with me or to push me or to cheer me on as far as eating better and exercising.
Two years ago when I got into my first relationship, I worked my butt of to get into shape but it didn't last any longer than the relationship did (6 months) because I was doing it to look good for him. I did lose quite a bit of weight and was feeling great but I slacked right back into my old routine of being virtually totally inactive most of the time and over eating. That's always been my problem; Over eating and being lazy. I'm not even much of a junk-food eater...rarely eat candy...don't eat out or drink soda...I just eat way too much. I eat when I'm feeling bad, when I'm bored, stressed, whatever. And I finally realized like literally yesterday, that I've been eating to fill the void within me. I've been eating to fill the emptiness...to quench any questions of why things happened to me...to drown the pain. And I suppose that I've always known this, I just buried the fact deep down with the food. Because to admit it and face it, means I have to stop and deal with the emptiness that I've been trying to fill and ignore. I'd have to stop relying on food to be my companion and actually let people in instead. That terrifies me...
Maybe with this admission I can once and for all get a hold on my eating, but fear is holding me back from wanting to try...I've never cared enough to try and always been to afraid to try. Trying is dealing with it and dealing with it is difficult and painful and so I shy away but I'm tired of doing that. I'm tired of living this way. And I'm tired of how I look.
As I got into my mid-teens I started to battle it but I never really got anywhere and I could never figure out why. Part of it was that I never had anyone to do any of it with me or to push me or to cheer me on as far as eating better and exercising.
Two years ago when I got into my first relationship, I worked my butt of to get into shape but it didn't last any longer than the relationship did (6 months) because I was doing it to look good for him. I did lose quite a bit of weight and was feeling great but I slacked right back into my old routine of being virtually totally inactive most of the time and over eating. That's always been my problem; Over eating and being lazy. I'm not even much of a junk-food eater...rarely eat candy...don't eat out or drink soda...I just eat way too much. I eat when I'm feeling bad, when I'm bored, stressed, whatever. And I finally realized like literally yesterday, that I've been eating to fill the void within me. I've been eating to fill the emptiness...to quench any questions of why things happened to me...to drown the pain. And I suppose that I've always known this, I just buried the fact deep down with the food. Because to admit it and face it, means I have to stop and deal with the emptiness that I've been trying to fill and ignore. I'd have to stop relying on food to be my companion and actually let people in instead. That terrifies me...
Maybe with this admission I can once and for all get a hold on my eating, but fear is holding me back from wanting to try...I've never cared enough to try and always been to afraid to try. Trying is dealing with it and dealing with it is difficult and painful and so I shy away but I'm tired of doing that. I'm tired of living this way. And I'm tired of how I look.