Toss you in the air ... forgot to catch you
Posted: Tue Aug 25, 2009 8:15 pm
Given wings to fly took away the sky would be a more appropriate title for where I'm at today .
I didnt know where else to post this but considering the fact that this site doesn't host a farewell forum also this being being my fave forum outa habit , here I am .
Jumping right to the point , the last thing I want to do is leave , but that doesn't change the fact that this is exactly what my thoughts are , and yes they are for very selfish reasons which I will try to explain with the sole reason that I know for a fact leaving will cause me more pain than staying.
Yes , you guessed it , I am in dire need of help with this , and I'm just simply going the roundabout way of doing so ok ?
See , I didnt come here to make friends or to meet God or find some camaraderie , or even "someone to talk to" or a chatterbug , I had already met God Who had Graced me with an abundance of friends & company that I knew what to do with and in fact I still do for that matter !!
I am , by the way , fully aware of the fact that I am sounding like a whiner , in fact if I had ever whined , this would be the one to top it all . So be it . I dont speak , I dont get heard , no hear no help .
Prior to coming here , ( and I am taking liberties sharing the same issue with another member , but please bear in mind that this has absolutely nothing to do with this person ok ? ) , I was at the stage thinking I was on the verge of losing my faith , the reason ?
A while back , some 20 or so years ago ( figurative) I lost my very person that I ever truly loved to suicide , and because of the fact that I carried that in secret all the other relationships with another human being ended up in complete defeat , hurt and sorrow following each disaster , and so I decided to never again to let anyone to get closer than an arm reach from me for the next twenty years or so covering it all up with drugs and alcohol , yes 20 years of utter torture , that no amount of alcohol or drug would even come close to act as asoothing ointment , let alone cover it !! And when all the scorecards read zero the only two options I had left were , suicide or God . I chose suicide , obviously He had other plans . I was so messed up I even screwed up my own departure , begging ,cursing , wailing , shouting to the God that took away my love , to show me what was it that He wanted from me , He said , (and this is by the way the first time I'm sharing this ever !) I literally heard Him say , "Vahn , I AM Love , and I want you to show everyone else you meet who I Am "
Yeah , this loveless , hopeless creature of me , uh huh !!
Sobriety , trials in loving other drunks , marriage , bringing a child to this world later , the fog started settling again that in turn brought me back to my knees again , only this time to having failed Him , once again , His answer ? Christianity Oasis , "what ? a web site ? Well , Your will my command" . Ever since then, save a brief length of time I thought I was getting somewhere , my posts had been nothing but negative in starting but always positive and enlightening in ending , that's to include through the times of my daughter's passing , and all of a sudden , like a flash in the dark , literally , it came to me , I was given the ability to love again .
Ok , back to the drawing board , "ok Pops , what's up ? " His answer ? "You're right where I want you !! " fear , cowardice , "not good enough" feelings , and I cants later , I thought I had arrived , all I had to do is receive and accept and do the best I can with it , and it just so happens that this person had been instrumental with all this from the day go , ( I collected and read ALL of my posts [inventory] ) and without knowing it it was this very person that showed me how to do it , the ability to love again !!
When I finally got enough courage to bare all to this person , for by now it was too late for me to do anything else , it was torture to keep it in any longer . Back to my knees ask , meditate , pray , go .
Answer ? " Oh , I'm waiting for God's guidance " I'm going hmmm ,Isn't that interesting ? oh , and if that wasnt interesting enough , here's another , " Oh , I'm married to Jesus so ... "
My thoughts at this moment ? though I hope it would change , that's the reason for asking for help , is " Ever occurred to you that you just might be married to a web site ? "
This kind of thoughts just eat me up inside , it had all day , to think like that toward ppl who went out of their way to do God's work to give me back the ability to love again , only to realize that I had been tossed into the air and being walked away from forgetting to catch me on the way down .
Harsh words ? maybe ! but not as harsh as it is inside , and staying may just make it worse , and I dont even wish that on my worse enemy .
If lost souls are enemies of God , what are they doing here !! In God's "house" ?
I didnt know where else to post this but considering the fact that this site doesn't host a farewell forum also this being being my fave forum outa habit , here I am .
Jumping right to the point , the last thing I want to do is leave , but that doesn't change the fact that this is exactly what my thoughts are , and yes they are for very selfish reasons which I will try to explain with the sole reason that I know for a fact leaving will cause me more pain than staying.
Yes , you guessed it , I am in dire need of help with this , and I'm just simply going the roundabout way of doing so ok ?
See , I didnt come here to make friends or to meet God or find some camaraderie , or even "someone to talk to" or a chatterbug , I had already met God Who had Graced me with an abundance of friends & company that I knew what to do with and in fact I still do for that matter !!
I am , by the way , fully aware of the fact that I am sounding like a whiner , in fact if I had ever whined , this would be the one to top it all . So be it . I dont speak , I dont get heard , no hear no help .
Prior to coming here , ( and I am taking liberties sharing the same issue with another member , but please bear in mind that this has absolutely nothing to do with this person ok ? ) , I was at the stage thinking I was on the verge of losing my faith , the reason ?
A while back , some 20 or so years ago ( figurative) I lost my very person that I ever truly loved to suicide , and because of the fact that I carried that in secret all the other relationships with another human being ended up in complete defeat , hurt and sorrow following each disaster , and so I decided to never again to let anyone to get closer than an arm reach from me for the next twenty years or so covering it all up with drugs and alcohol , yes 20 years of utter torture , that no amount of alcohol or drug would even come close to act as asoothing ointment , let alone cover it !! And when all the scorecards read zero the only two options I had left were , suicide or God . I chose suicide , obviously He had other plans . I was so messed up I even screwed up my own departure , begging ,cursing , wailing , shouting to the God that took away my love , to show me what was it that He wanted from me , He said , (and this is by the way the first time I'm sharing this ever !) I literally heard Him say , "Vahn , I AM Love , and I want you to show everyone else you meet who I Am "
Yeah , this loveless , hopeless creature of me , uh huh !!
Sobriety , trials in loving other drunks , marriage , bringing a child to this world later , the fog started settling again that in turn brought me back to my knees again , only this time to having failed Him , once again , His answer ? Christianity Oasis , "what ? a web site ? Well , Your will my command" . Ever since then, save a brief length of time I thought I was getting somewhere , my posts had been nothing but negative in starting but always positive and enlightening in ending , that's to include through the times of my daughter's passing , and all of a sudden , like a flash in the dark , literally , it came to me , I was given the ability to love again .
Ok , back to the drawing board , "ok Pops , what's up ? " His answer ? "You're right where I want you !! " fear , cowardice , "not good enough" feelings , and I cants later , I thought I had arrived , all I had to do is receive and accept and do the best I can with it , and it just so happens that this person had been instrumental with all this from the day go , ( I collected and read ALL of my posts [inventory] ) and without knowing it it was this very person that showed me how to do it , the ability to love again !!
When I finally got enough courage to bare all to this person , for by now it was too late for me to do anything else , it was torture to keep it in any longer . Back to my knees ask , meditate , pray , go .
Answer ? " Oh , I'm waiting for God's guidance " I'm going hmmm ,Isn't that interesting ? oh , and if that wasnt interesting enough , here's another , " Oh , I'm married to Jesus so ... "
My thoughts at this moment ? though I hope it would change , that's the reason for asking for help , is " Ever occurred to you that you just might be married to a web site ? "
This kind of thoughts just eat me up inside , it had all day , to think like that toward ppl who went out of their way to do God's work to give me back the ability to love again , only to realize that I had been tossed into the air and being walked away from forgetting to catch me on the way down .
Harsh words ? maybe ! but not as harsh as it is inside , and staying may just make it worse , and I dont even wish that on my worse enemy .
If lost souls are enemies of God , what are they doing here !! In God's "house" ?