finally day 1
Posted: Sun Dec 16, 2007 12:21 pmWell I'm finally starting my journal for day 1 of the counseling program. I'm ashamed to say the reason is not because of the excitement and hope I've begun to feel the last few days of visiting Oasis. No, it's because I have failed again. I woke up to the guilt and mental anguish of giving in to addiction again... and I wanted to curl up and die, give up.
But it's that shame and condemnation that has kept me in the darkness for so long. Because of what God has already shown me here, because I have tasted that tiny bit of joy and hope, I knew what I had to do. Get this into the light as soon as possible. Confess it and run boldly to the mercy seat of my Father, knowing we have a high priest in Jesus who is touched by our weaknesses and will give mercy and grace freely.
I am sick at heart and ask why would I do this to myself again? I could stay in this thinking pattern, right back into depression and hopelessness and ultimately more addiction.
But this morning I choose to desperately cling to hope and faith in God's love and forgiveness. I had gotten so far from God that I couldn't hear the Spirit. But yesterday I heard him. Not loud. But he was there. I had several chances to get out, say no, choose life. I didn't. But I am somehow comforted that he's still speaking. That gives me the courage to cry out, confess humbly before God and anyone who reads this, and take hold of God's hand and keep moving forward.
If I should say "my foot slipped," Your lovingkindness O Lord will hold me up. When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul. Ps 94:18
But it's that shame and condemnation that has kept me in the darkness for so long. Because of what God has already shown me here, because I have tasted that tiny bit of joy and hope, I knew what I had to do. Get this into the light as soon as possible. Confess it and run boldly to the mercy seat of my Father, knowing we have a high priest in Jesus who is touched by our weaknesses and will give mercy and grace freely.
I am sick at heart and ask why would I do this to myself again? I could stay in this thinking pattern, right back into depression and hopelessness and ultimately more addiction.
But this morning I choose to desperately cling to hope and faith in God's love and forgiveness. I had gotten so far from God that I couldn't hear the Spirit. But yesterday I heard him. Not loud. But he was there. I had several chances to get out, say no, choose life. I didn't. But I am somehow comforted that he's still speaking. That gives me the courage to cry out, confess humbly before God and anyone who reads this, and take hold of God's hand and keep moving forward.
If I should say "my foot slipped," Your lovingkindness O Lord will hold me up. When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul. Ps 94:18