Day 1 of 14- understanding the struggle
Posted: Mon Jul 03, 2017 1:35 amSo as I've been exploring my innermost demons, it's almost like awareness has endowed them with even more power. I can't even get a good night's sleep anymore because my mind is plagued with unrelenting and haunting thoughts.
Warning: This problem begins with a very heavy sexual nature.
To be honest, I'm not even sure how to approach the sickness within my soul...maybe it stems from jealousy? From lack of a relationship with God? From a damaged and abusive upbringing? All of the above?...I just don't know where to start my attack to begin my healing process.
Alright so..FULL confession...no holds barred.I have always had a jealousy of women. Always. A seething, riotous envy of women...constantly comparing...and constantly losing. I have experienced almost 25 years this way, always feeling eclipsed by others' superiority. Whether it be attractiveness, intelligence, talent, popularity, sense of humour, or alluring/endearing uniqueness...you NAME it. I always wanted to have this sense that I was BETTER than any woman. I WANTED TO BE THE CINDERELLA OF THE BALL. For once in my life. But now, I want to be the best ALL my life. I honestly don't give a fudge that it sounds prideful, EVERY OTHER bless woman gets to experience a feeling of being special and superior in their unique difference so why shouldn't I? And I never did. I NEVER FELT ENVIED!!! Always the envying.
*Disclaimer-will become sexually graphic and explicit*
So here we are in an age that puts so much emphasis and fixation on sexual pleasure...and when I hear lately that a woman can engage over 20 orgasms back-to-back in a single sack session, screaming like her legs are being sawn off...reading about stories like that (never mind that I should have strayed away from reading that material in the first place)....it makes me want to find this woman AND ACTUALLY SAW OFF HER LEGS...and do even worse HORRENDOUS VILE EVIL things to her privates so she can never derive that kind of pleasure again nor REMEMBER that pleasure in the first place...as though it never even happened, thereby completely undoing it. She needs to be punished. I want her suffering. I curse her to the deepest and most torturous parts of hell. Along with every woman being delivered that kind of erotic high.
Yeah yeah...tell me what I've already told myself millions of times. Go ahead. Be shocked by my extreme hate and disgrace and demonic influence. And btw, I've been recently prayed over by my church's spiritual healer and surprise, surprise..no I am indeed NOT possessed. My problem...most predominantly here? After some reflection in my diary, I discovered I don't KNOW. I have no reckoning idea why it's anything sexual that triggers me to want to kill myself or all of femalekind...I don't understand WHY I place so much importance on having the more perfect relationship with the most perfect sex? It's not even so much that I want to have what they have...but I also don't ever want them experiecing it at all at this point. I hate women. I think what bothers me most about any sexual act that a woman derives pleasure from is that it is the MOST EXPRESSIVE form of bliss and euphoria. It is the most outward and so therefore it seems to surpass the heights of all other emotions, feelings, and sensations prompted by anything else...so naturally in my mind, it's like this woman is experiencing the highest form or measure of all of life's pleasures...that ON TOP OF, I'm being exempt from. And for God knows how long?! What if I do find the perfect partner and he can't gratify me like what those women had...then I make it about the sex and not about him and INTELLECTUALLY I know that I should be focused on just being in the intimate moment with him...in the protection and sanctity of the marital bed....but what's even the point of waiting? Why can these women go on without IMMEDIATE consequence enjoying it beyond the bless EXTREMES of her body as I continue to deprive myself indefinitely? What even makes it worth waiting until marriage??? Oh how revealing, I'll have a person who's soul is in symbiosis with mine...wtf does that mean to the PLEASURE SCALE??? I don't want sex that's sweeter, I want it more irresistible and satisfying and taken to new heights that no other woman can say they've experienced.
Even as I sit here writing this I'm being tormented...
I can't stand the thought of her sound, her moans, her feral cries, her writhing, her consciousness slipping away because It's unbearably GOOD...
HOW can I cope with the feelings...whatever the bless they are or where they source from? What do I tackle first? How can I find the same ecstasy that comes from such sex for God instead? Is that possible without seeing him in a lustful, sexual way? And if you can't help , then direct me to a professional in these matters (for free...because I'm already consulting with two therapists thank-you) or pray for me.
And try not to judge too aggressively. I gave you fair warning of the content that would ensue but you chose to proceed with reading on. We're all regarded as dirty sinners EQUALLY. You are no less guilty in your possibly less hostile and vicious thoughts than I am. And I truly came here to CHANGE and HEAL. I don't want to keep thinking with the perspective that I do. So take that into account. Much appreciated.
Warning: This problem begins with a very heavy sexual nature.
To be honest, I'm not even sure how to approach the sickness within my soul...maybe it stems from jealousy? From lack of a relationship with God? From a damaged and abusive upbringing? All of the above?...I just don't know where to start my attack to begin my healing process.
Alright so..FULL confession...no holds barred.I have always had a jealousy of women. Always. A seething, riotous envy of women...constantly comparing...and constantly losing. I have experienced almost 25 years this way, always feeling eclipsed by others' superiority. Whether it be attractiveness, intelligence, talent, popularity, sense of humour, or alluring/endearing uniqueness...you NAME it. I always wanted to have this sense that I was BETTER than any woman. I WANTED TO BE THE CINDERELLA OF THE BALL. For once in my life. But now, I want to be the best ALL my life. I honestly don't give a fudge that it sounds prideful, EVERY OTHER bless woman gets to experience a feeling of being special and superior in their unique difference so why shouldn't I? And I never did. I NEVER FELT ENVIED!!! Always the envying.
*Disclaimer-will become sexually graphic and explicit*
So here we are in an age that puts so much emphasis and fixation on sexual pleasure...and when I hear lately that a woman can engage over 20 orgasms back-to-back in a single sack session, screaming like her legs are being sawn off...reading about stories like that (never mind that I should have strayed away from reading that material in the first place)....it makes me want to find this woman AND ACTUALLY SAW OFF HER LEGS...and do even worse HORRENDOUS VILE EVIL things to her privates so she can never derive that kind of pleasure again nor REMEMBER that pleasure in the first place...as though it never even happened, thereby completely undoing it. She needs to be punished. I want her suffering. I curse her to the deepest and most torturous parts of hell. Along with every woman being delivered that kind of erotic high.
Yeah yeah...tell me what I've already told myself millions of times. Go ahead. Be shocked by my extreme hate and disgrace and demonic influence. And btw, I've been recently prayed over by my church's spiritual healer and surprise, surprise..no I am indeed NOT possessed. My problem...most predominantly here? After some reflection in my diary, I discovered I don't KNOW. I have no reckoning idea why it's anything sexual that triggers me to want to kill myself or all of femalekind...I don't understand WHY I place so much importance on having the more perfect relationship with the most perfect sex? It's not even so much that I want to have what they have...but I also don't ever want them experiecing it at all at this point. I hate women. I think what bothers me most about any sexual act that a woman derives pleasure from is that it is the MOST EXPRESSIVE form of bliss and euphoria. It is the most outward and so therefore it seems to surpass the heights of all other emotions, feelings, and sensations prompted by anything else...so naturally in my mind, it's like this woman is experiencing the highest form or measure of all of life's pleasures...that ON TOP OF, I'm being exempt from. And for God knows how long?! What if I do find the perfect partner and he can't gratify me like what those women had...then I make it about the sex and not about him and INTELLECTUALLY I know that I should be focused on just being in the intimate moment with him...in the protection and sanctity of the marital bed....but what's even the point of waiting? Why can these women go on without IMMEDIATE consequence enjoying it beyond the bless EXTREMES of her body as I continue to deprive myself indefinitely? What even makes it worth waiting until marriage??? Oh how revealing, I'll have a person who's soul is in symbiosis with mine...wtf does that mean to the PLEASURE SCALE??? I don't want sex that's sweeter, I want it more irresistible and satisfying and taken to new heights that no other woman can say they've experienced.
Even as I sit here writing this I'm being tormented...
I can't stand the thought of her sound, her moans, her feral cries, her writhing, her consciousness slipping away because It's unbearably GOOD...
HOW can I cope with the feelings...whatever the bless they are or where they source from? What do I tackle first? How can I find the same ecstasy that comes from such sex for God instead? Is that possible without seeing him in a lustful, sexual way? And if you can't help , then direct me to a professional in these matters (for free...because I'm already consulting with two therapists thank-you) or pray for me.
And try not to judge too aggressively. I gave you fair warning of the content that would ensue but you chose to proceed with reading on. We're all regarded as dirty sinners EQUALLY. You are no less guilty in your possibly less hostile and vicious thoughts than I am. And I truly came here to CHANGE and HEAL. I don't want to keep thinking with the perspective that I do. So take that into account. Much appreciated.
