An unholy mess
Posted: Thu May 11, 2017 3:12 pmI must be the most selfish person on the planet. My daughter deserves a better mom and I'm scared to death of what I'm doing to her. I have trichotillomania and skin picking disorder, and I wear a wig most of the time. I had an infection that was treated and thought I had given myself lymphedema, which is the only reason I finally went to the doctor (I had been to dermatologists in the past. My doctor sent me to get massage for head and neck lymphedema but now I can't afford it. I still feel like something is flowing inside and pressing in my ears, throat, back, etc., but most of the docs think it is just anxiety. I am starting to believe it is all in my head, and that is even what the Bible said when I turned to it when I was waiting on CAT scan results which were normal of course. I should not have asked for the test. I feel like I have never loved anyone properly and I can't stand to look at my daughter's baby pictures knowing what a terrible mom I have now turned out to be. I thought I was doing better until about three months ago when it all hit me. I haven't even taken good care of my animals especially when they get old. The dogs ended up covered with fleas and I was so busy I did not notice. My old cat even quit using the litter box, and my husband shot her instead of putting her to sleep because we were so broke. I smoked pot when I should have been doing other things. I have been carrying $20,000 in credit card debt for years and I got behind thousands of dollars on my taxes. My brother paid my taxes, which I shouldn't have let him do but that is my selfishness. I was afraid we would lose the house, which also needs repairs. I freaked out and I was hospitalized for depression and anxiety but I think it is deeper than that. I think God tried to save me maybe but I can't seem to save myself or my family. I live in fear of what will happen. My husband cannot pay all the bills. I am afraid another hospitalization is coming and I don't know what to do. I thought I wanted to kill myself but I am too much of a coward and I don't want to do any more damage to my daughter. Maybe I should run away and be homeless but I can't bring myself to do that either. I don't know what is going to happen next. She needs braces and probably glasses and I need to be working right now. I am driving my husband crazy. I'm on two different meds, quetiapine and mirtazapine, for several weeks now but no psych appointment until July and I don't know how we will pay for it. I have medical bills all over the place already. I know this is a horrible story. And I just read that if you only pray for yourself, you have bigger problems than you know. That is ME, I guess. OK, I'm sorry to burden you all, and I promise this is real. God help us all.
