Christianity Oasis Member Forum & Chat Room

Hi all it has been a long time since I have posted in this forum, I found this site at a very trying time in my life and despite all the hell I was going through if it had not been for this website and GOD using the people on it to show me his love for me. In 2007 I was a nee mother as well as a new wife unfortunately my now ex- husband was physically abusive and constantly unfaithful. Of course like any other woman in this situation you look at yourself what am I doing wrong that this person treats me like this and I kept finding reasons to go back to him for 2 years following a really bad incident that ended with me having bruised ribs and a black eye and my 1 year old son watching the whole thing. It was actually people from this site who paid for me to take a bus to a very wonderful ladies house who I met on this site until I could get ahold of My family. As I said I still went back 2 more times because we were married and I thought as a wife I had to give him a chance to be a father as well as a husband. Unfortunately things got worse for my son and myself every time I went back, my son was subjected to more and more craziness, drugs his father engaging in inappropriate behavior with females as well as nights when I literally took care of him when he came home drunk throwing up and being with other women until I finally left in 2009 and started over for the 3rd time in 3 years I realized that this was a situation that GOD had never intended for me to go through but my sin and rebellion had put me in this situation but in it GOD gave me grace when he blessed me with my son.
Although it wasn't easy I started over just myself and my son and of course I can't say that GOD changed me all at once I still had bad habits but I felt a since of peace that I hadn't known in a long time. after a year and a half I met my current husband and we got married after 7 months of knowing each other and he is a GOD fearing man that loves my son as his own we eventually had 2 daughters and I am currently pregnant with our 4th child, which is a boy. The past almost 2 years have been very difficult my ex-husband after not being in my sons life for 6 years decided he now wants joint custody in the state we live in they feel no matter what he has a right to him even though he has not been in his life for 7 years now. My son did remember some of the abuse but I broke down one day after this custody case started because he was blaming himself for all that was happening. he felt like his world was falling apart everything that he has ever known was still being uprooted. Although I told him the kid version as well as I took blame as well because I feel like I am also to blame, he began to just blame me. He said he hated this man and I defended him mainly because despite what this man has done I don't want anger and animosity in my sons heart.
However it seems as though as I began to get my son to understand that it isn't right to be angry he must forgive he began to start having animosity towards me not doing what I ask him to do making things harder just because he can. for instance I will clean the kitchen and he will deliberately make a mess and then his younger sister started doing the same things. If I am being honest it hurts I have taken care of him his whole life and now he is treating me like the enemy my husband made sacrifices for him that his own father refused to make for him and we are the ones he treats badly. He has been seeing a counselor ordered by the state and he literally tells this man lies and of course the counselor knows that he isn't being truthful but it still hurts that he does that. And to top it off my ex has still not been able to see him because I requested that it be through a visitation center and his first visit he took a loaded weapon, however he was let out because he is a licensed carrier but no visitation will allow him to come to their facility because of the incident so now they are just letting him communicate through letters until they feel like its ok for him to have regular visits with my son unsupervised. Needless to say it hasn't been easy my husband missed out on a promotion due to constantly having to take time off due to court dates and therapy meetings.
My spiritual walk since this all has been happening has really taken a hit and Lord knows I am trying to keep it all together but it isn't easy. Also it doesn't help that my ex is trying to pretend that their was never any domestic violence and he has started a blog to pretty much make look like the bad guy and him the victim. its so hard because it feels like I am being persecuted everywhere I look GOD and my husband has been my support system, but between graduate school, my children and just life on top of this I am beyond stressed out. I am no mad at my ex for the things he has done despite how they hurt I am just trying to protect my son but unfortunately it feels like I don't even have that ability and sadly my son blames me for it all. I know that GOD will get me through this situation no matter what the end result is but I just wish that my faith and strength at this time was stronger but it is a lot to deal with being 5 months pregnant. I knew what to do and say to my son so that he could understand but it like lately I am either yelling at him for his behavior or I am trying to go above and beyond for him because I know that this situation isn't easy for him. And on top of all of that he is very close with my husband and he pushes him away now because he feels like he has to be loyal to my ex husband even though he calls my husband dad (his own choice) and also a women who was a grandmother to me and he was very close to her just passed away a few weeks ago so its a lot all happening at once.

Pray for me and if anyone has any suggestions or advice it would be appreciated!

Hello Dria

God bless you this day.

I'm sorry you are feeling overwhelmed, and that the devil is doggin' your heels. But, I'll remind you that whatever he says is a lie, because the most he is capable of is speaking in half-truths, at most, and half-truths lead us to believe lies. Don't fall for it. You have the Holy Spirit inside you, guiding you, comforting you, and leading you into all Truth. Hallelujah!!!

Of course your children are going to rebel. It's part of the very human condition. But, you stand your ground, and stand for them as well. No need to behave as their pals, or their buddies -- be their mother, and if that means making them do things despite their protests, so be it.

Parents, such as your ex, tend to blow a lot of hot air, then, once again, disappear. If he has a sincere change of heart, desiring to have a real relationship with his child, he'll make the necessary changes -- which won't include showing up for a visitation with a weapon.

I realize it's all frustrating, but, you have what it takes to overcome: the power of Jesus. Talk to Him, get plenty of rest, eat well, and pray, pray, pray.

Prayers are rising in the name of Jesus on your behalf. God's will be done.

God bless and keep you, Dria,
Mack

Hi Dria

Big giant for you. Do you know I remember when you first came to the Oasis? I also remember the bus trip you made to that sweet soul's house. You know what I have seen thru all your trials? A strong woman in Jesus. One who knows God is in control when it feels like the world is spiraling out of control.

Today I want to offer you some comfort in Truth.

I Peter 5:10 But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.

John 16:33 These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

Deuteronomy 31:6 6 Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.

Jesus has this Dria. He has not failed you yet and He won't now.

Prayers, love and blessings for you.

You've talked to your son about forgiveness. Perhaps you might ask him to think about what he would like to happen now? What I am suggesting is to try and introduce sentences to him about "but what do you want for the rest of your life?" "Does this help now?" "Does this help the future?" "Does this make anything better for anybody?"

Just sentences. And try to stay on other subjects as much as possible. Don't try to make it up to him.

I think when you try to keep making it up to him, that you are giving him an awful lot of attention for bad behavior. If he comes home and tells you something good about school - make a big deal about it. If he tells you he did something new on his skateboard - listen and be interested. When he gets into being a brat about his dad - give him as little attention as possible.

He may not know he is doing it - but kids will do an awful lot for attention. Even what you think is bad attention. And he may be milking this situation for all it is worth.

Thank you so much for your encouraging words, and especially the hugs and prayers. Mlg thanks so much for the scriptures, their is a part of me that is trying not to just give in but when it comes down to my ex he always does what he needs to do to get what he wants and right now despite the fact that he hasn't been a part of his life the courts are trying to make sure that he maintains his rights unfortunately, my son is in the middle and I wish I felt or saw a change in him that made me feel at ease about him trying to force a relationship with my son. I believe the fact that he tries to constantly bring up in court that my husband isn't his father is also frustrating because my husband has been the one their for him all of these years, and he tries to downplay that. And of course because of all of this their relationship has already taken a hit my husband missing work for court cases means that he has to work a lot more to provide for us of course my son doesn't see that.
My son has a lot of unrealistic goals when it comes down to this situation and when things don't turn out the way he thinks they should or the way he prays they should he blames GOD and I know first hand what that is like, that is what made me backslide when I was a teenager and honestly I don't want that for him. I think a lot of my feelings have to do with the fact that for 3 years I sacrifices everything to try to make sure my ex was a father to him and he wouldn't do it and like always it seems like as soon as our lives are on track he pops back up and puts everything in disarray I do believe that eventually he will disappear unfortunately I believe it will be after he has caused damage to my son as well as to my life because that seems to be the pattern.
I wish I knew what I had done to him to make him do these things but I don't, but for once I just want peace, and to be able to raise my children under the same roof without this added stress. I am sure being pregnant is not helping with all of the emotions I am feeling. I look at this situation and honestly being a parent a wife and a child of GOD is hard enough without this added stress although I also realize that this is something that I brought on myself. As a mom its hard to watch your child go through all of this but I keep telling myself GOD loves him more than I do and will protect him and my husband keeps telling me we have to just have faith and pray and trust that GOD is in control.
I have had so many bad things happen when I pray for situations like this that I cant really bring myself to take it all to GOD the way I want to because so many times it didn't turn out the way I was hoping, it happened the complete opposite and I was completely heart broken. And I know that GOD had his reasons but of course I didn't understand and it wasn't for me to understand. It seems as though I am fighting a bunch of fights at once and they aren't my fights to fight they are Gods' but I don't know how to just hand them over so I keep fighting and trying my best to keep it all together, for my children and my husband but Lord knows its hard.

Dria

Hey dria,

I'm guessing your son is about 9 or 10 now. Something I see in your shared words is that your son is not seeing your ex-husband the same way you see him, and for you it's hard for you to understand why he doesn't. Well one thing as a parent we have to remember is that our children see through child eyes, not adult eyes. Their level of understanding and comprehension is not through reason but more through emotion. Your son craves a relationship with his dad. Yes your current husband has been a father to him, and I'm sure a good one, but your son still craves attention from his biological father. Every time his biological father does something that is not good, your son sees that as a rejection. I went through something similar with my own daughter. She so wanted to know her father, even though I knew her father was not good for her. I never told my daughter that she could not see or talk to her dad. Sadly, it took until my daughter was a young lady of 19 to see the true side of her dad. They have not spoken in over 2 years now, and there were terrible words said between the two of them. I knew that my daughter's father would not do good by her, but I had to let my daughter find out for herself. Yes, I was there when she collapsed in tears and said to me, I can't understand why he is the way he is. I explained to her the best I could, that he has always been that way and only God can change him, but only if he wants God too. I knew that my daughter needed to find out about his true colors on her own, as if I had tried to tell her the truth when she was a child, she would reject me and despise me and blame me. I just had to pray and let the pieces fall where they may. That is sooo not easy....especially as a mom who wanted to do nothing but protect her child, but it was necessary. God protected my daughter, and I know that is because my daughter is His child first, and God just blessed me with raising her in this world. God will protect your son also. Maybe not in the way you think He should, but He will. God sees what you can't and He knows what is ahead.

As for the way your son is treating you and your current husband, I believe he's acting out in confusion. He's not sure what is going on, and he is trying to deal with all of it in the best way he can as a child. Just keep loving your son. Keep loving your husband. I can assure you that your son loves your current husband. He is probably just afraid if he continues to show that love that his biological father will disappear again. And seeing how every child craves to have both their biological parents in their life, this is pretty normal.

Hang in there dria. Jesus loves you.

love, *hugs* and blessings

thanks mlg my son has not seen his biological father and he says he doesn't want to but it's more of a situation where he feels like we aren't protecting him. One second he is ok with seeing him since their is a court case and he knows we can't say no and then the next second he is mad at us because he feels like we are forcing him to. He has gone through trying to harm himself, isolating himself because he feels like he is being pushed out of the family and recently he has started to be slowly but more accepting if the situation. It hurts to think about him not being with us for holidays and missing our family events my ex is adamant that he will wants him for every father's day and every other holiday I know that is scary to him but it's painful for me to even think about. I am aware that my ex's goal is to hurt me and that this is more about his ego then it is that he wants to be a dad. Your right God will protect him it's just so hard not to protect him at 10 Years old. My son has been pretty sheltered and the life style that my ex has is not the life I want for him. I know I need to stay in prayer about this situation but I am honestly at a loss for words.

Hey dria,

I know that feeling of not wanting your child involved in the lifestyle your ex leads. Been there done that one for sure. But, just know this...you have a big impact on your son's life. Your son loves you and trusts you. Just keep teaching your son the way of Jesus. You are the one training your child. Yes your son will see his dad on some holidays and weekends etc., but you will be the one your child looks to for the important things.

Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

*hugs* take care