Christianity Oasis Forum

[wonder777]

I have read about forgiving myself. The things about God's love and the abuse not being my fault I know in my head, but I never really let it soak into my spirit. How do I go about that? The things I learned in therapy never seeped in past my mind. Maybe I just needed a quick fix or something. Now maybe God is letting me develop a way to do that. It's about time, I just want to move on with a life of my own. Letting go of the fears of my past, not letting it dominate me and keeping me from my future that God has intended for me. How do I forgive myself and why does one have to do it? I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this idea. Any advice here? Thanks!

[dema]

It's amazing how we can give others the advice we need. I have people tell me often to give myself the same advice I'd give to someone else. .

There is so much to answer on your post. I could go on for hours - but I don't have that time and you'd probably get tired of reading.

1. You blame yourself but you were a child. A child doesn't have the experience that you have. A child may weigh 40 lbs. A child is taught to obey. A child depends totally on her adult to survive. Without the adult, she does not survive. This is deep inside of us and instinctual. Telling on the one protector is totally against a child's ingrained nature. If the abuser was not a relative, then you may have tried to tell. But people don't want to hear. You probably did try to tell. I know I tried to tell my parents about the neighbor beating his wife. They became totally involved in eating their food. They became commas. I am going back there in my mind now. You know what a comma looks like. And my child self saw them become commas over their food. The air was heavy and it was as though the air thundered. So, I did not tell.

The adult you looks through adult eyes. The adult you shut out a lot of what went on - including your super-child instinct that saw people becoming commas or otherwise shutting you out with body language and the air becoming dark and heavy and full of threat and thunder. I was trying to tell for a neighbor. Imagine how much worse when you were trying to tell for your own self. They did not want to hear. And they scared you.

2. You need to process the pain. You need to give yourself permission to grieve and to be angry. It takes time. And it must be done or it will hang on to you like the dead body that Paul talks about. Weeks - it takes weeks of mourning and weeks of being angry. Have you ever let yourself do this.

3. God forgives you. God would even forgive the despicable abuser if the abuser gave it to God. So, certainly God forgives you. Jesus came to not only forgive, but to wash you clean with his blood. Basically, I don't think you have anything to forgive. But there is a stain from what he did. And the blood of Jesus washed it away.

4. Forgiveness is giving to God what has always been God's. It is not your job to punish anybody - the abuser or you. It is God's job. And Forgiveness is acknowledging that and letting God have it along with the anger. But make sure you have experienced the anger first. You need to be mad until you can cry it out and let it go - weeks - not years. But you need to really experience it for a period of time. And then totally let it go.

5. It will come back. You will get triggered and it will come back. Then you spend a few days being sad, being angry, giving it to God. Over time, the few days should become a few hours. And then just going into the other room for a little bit. Give yourself permission to do this. If you will allow yourself to be human, it will get to the point so you can quietly go to the bathroom for a few minutes and come back and it is done - you are whole again. If you don't give yourself permission, then you will experience whatever it is you are experiencing now. Basically lava boiling beneath the surface or else an extreme numbness that keeps you from enjoying anything.

Hugs.

By the way, please learn to look up, meet people's eyes, straighten your shoulders, pick up your feet and wear the appropriate amount of clothes. Two pairs of pants is not appropriate. I don't know if you do all the implied things - but most abuse victims do most of them. You are a victor in Christ.

[Dora]

How do I forgive myself and why does one have to do it?

Because God forgave you.
Because it's the way to freedom. You have yourself chained in unforgiveness. God wants you free.

Keep praying for Him to help you forgive and listen to Him. Forgiveness will come.

God bless you brother.