Christianity Oasis Forum

[donlaw]

This is what I wrote so far in my handwritten journal today:

"Today I am re-reading stepping stone 2. I woke up this morning and got online. First on facebook and farmville where my mind just started wandering. I thought about yesterday, my journal and Bill (my husband). I did not yet give him that check I had journaled saying I would. I don't know if that is why but suddenly, I started feeling nervous, anxious and depressed. I am a little scared even.

I thought about the weekend and Bill calling the cops on me for pushing him and throwing some of the food he bought on the floor. I thought about him shouldering me in the hallway the week before I filed for divorce. I thought about the huge giant family fight on his birthday and the times he had hit me, strangled me and smashed my camera or my Christmas house collection. How many times he said I deserved it.

I thought about how he purposely had my car repossessed and how I know he must have possession of it by now and how he offered it to my daughter or how I bet he lets either her or my son have it. And also about how he refuses to provide for me in any way. And I started thinking how he deserves nothing and he deserves to go to jail for lying, cheating and abusing me.

I am pretty upset this morning so I turned to Oasis and Bible study.

In re-reading part of step 2, I came to Matthew Chapter 13 and the story of the farmer planting seeds.

I remember thinking as I read it yesterday, that I am like that stoney ground with no deepness and no root. I am also much like the weedy ground where the truth is choked out.

The story says that the wicked one, Satan, carries away what is sown into a heart that doesn't understand. I feel like I do understand but must have no root because I feel joy in hearing the Word but when trials and tribulations come, I am quickly offended and I fall apart, going right back to my habits of anger and resentment, fear and anxiety. The problems and weeds of my garden choke out what truth I hear and believe and I am burned by my own hate and pain."

That is what I wrote so far in my hand written journal today. And I still have more to go through in re-reading step 2.

I am so tired right now. Not sleepy tired, but emotionally tired. I am tired of the battle. And I am so afraid of the future and my husband. He hates me, he refuses to hear from God. He spitefully uses me and abuses me and yet I am supposed to turn the other cheek. I am supposed to let it go.

I filed for divorce, I am trying to let it go. But with him living in the same house, and me not having a car or a way to find a job, and no one local to turn to for help, I stay imprisoned in the battle and unable to escape. I cried a lot over the weekend. I called some different hotlines and called my attorney on Friday. She advised me not to leave to keep my eye on my goal. People from the hotlines have said I should seek somewhere to go and not stay. I have two minor kids still at home being the biggest reason I stayed originally. But day after day, not only my minor children but my older children telling me constantly that they don't want to hear me, listen to me and they want to live with their father.

How many times I have been told in front of the kids during fights that I don't deserve anything, I don't contribute, I am lazy and I am the problem. And how many times have my kids repeated that back to me. They seem sure it is me and that I have never helped or been a good mom or wife. No matter that I worked, no matter that I cared for and nurtured them, no matter that I gave all I had for this family and our home. It was never enough, and it has been drummed into me so deeply that I see myself as useless and powerless.

I love the Lord. I always have. I thought my husband did once too. And now, he will not even entertain the idea that God says he is wrong. That our family needs an immediate and divine intervention and lots of counseling. No one in the family wants to hear about God and if I try to talk about God at all, they call me a hypocrite and a fool. No one wants to hear the truth.

I feel so alone, even though I have read through a few of the journals here and know there are so many others out there in the same pain and feel alone....I am here where I am alone.

I keep thinking that if I had some actual, tangible help, I would be able to get over this hump. I need a car, I need a job. I need to be able to go to church and be around people. I am isolated in my room almost all the time. I frequently don't have food to eat. And what made me soooo angry over the weekend when my husband did bring home some food is that he makes extremely good money, yet he will not pay for groceries. He lets my son use his food stamps and he buys junk food with it, or very little real food. He refuses to take me to a store to pick out food and I have special needs for my diet because of my illness and I don't get to eat right.

I am running out of toiletries and things like that and he isn't providing them for me.

He won't move out because he says he is sure the judge will force me out, that I am unstable and he can prove it in court. He is on purpose trying to destroy what sanity I have left and I am letting him do a very good job of it.

I am going to stay plugging away here on this site and through the steps because I know that Jesus is my salvation and I am a child of God. I sometimes wish I could just die now and go to be with him and leave all this misery behind me. I know there will be no more tears, no more pain and no more fears in heaven. And I long for the day when I can be happy and in my Father's arms. It has been so long since I have felt loved or been held and just rocked and stroked and I need someone to just be with me.

I am very glad I found this site. And through the tears that are currently stinging my eyes, I am hoping and praying that I will become so immersed in God's love through these steps that I will find I can overcome the fears and anger that plague me in my life.

[chbalco]

Your Healing has already begun..You may not realize it yet..But God is already working everything out according to his plan for your life

Stay strong and seek the Lord with vigilance..and Take 1 stepping stone at a time..everyday is a renewing of the mind,body and spirit..The only way you can fail at this is if you give up..DON'T GIVE UP...DON'T EVER GIVE UP

my prayers are with you

[Ruthk34]

My prayers are with you. Stay strong and remember that it will end. All things are possible with God. Down the road you will look back and be amazed at how far you have come. Keep focused on your goal, you will make it. Your not alone, Jesus is with you always. Have you ever read the poem called footprints? When you feel alone think of it or read it if you have it, to remind you that Jesus is with you.