Christianity Oasis Forum

[sovern1982]

well...today has been a really bad day. worst one for quite some time. discovered today that my wife is once again having an affair. she refuses marriage counseling. has lied to me and decieved me and the man she was seeing. she has placed my children in the middle of all of this. ive been talking to people about the problems we have been having and i do not consider divorce as an option. i dont want a divorce i want to see her get help. i know it is unhealthy to be in a relationship like this but at the same time i love her and dont want to leave her. the same thing i keep hearing from my good christian friends is "give it to god" can someone elaborate on how that is done? im not angry at her or the man i just want this to stop. i pray constantly and even though i dont do anything stupid to make the situation worse ie. get "revenge" which is a small miracle in itself i feel like garbage. i dont know what else to do. i know things will all happen in gods time but in the meantime im suffering a very great deal and would like for it to stop. just dont know how to give this to god really...and im willing to do what ever it takes someone please explain to me what it means to give something to god.

[dema]

Bren gave good advice. Giving to God means letting it go. At the same time, you might consider why there is a problem and is it something that is likely to change. Some people chronically cheat. They have their own issues that will not go away unless they are willing to give it to God. And that does not seem to be likely here.

Sometimes people cheat because they are angry - their spouse is never home or doesn't seem to pay attention to them.

Some people perceive this to be true when it is not due to low self-esteem.

I am going through a divorce and when I told my counsellor that I was going to do so she almost stood on the chair and cheered. Sometimes a marriage is damaging. Sometimes the marriage isn't God's best.

There are so many possibilities. Counselling is a good idea.

[sovern1982]

have been seeing a counselor for some time now, but had not raised this as an issue as i was not aware of it. and when i say "people" i mean my grandmother who is a great friend and should be a counselor herself. she is a christian woman and has always had my best interest at heart. this has gone on before and i did just run off at the mouth to anyone who would listen but not doing that this time. im starting a descipleship progam at church next week and my grandma talked about an in depth bible study at her church if there is still room available in the class. i need gods strength to stay on the path i have chosen and i think that im going to be ok. this website i believe has saved my life. it brought me back to christ. i have by no means been perfect since i started this but have been improving as i dont fall apart as much as i did, nor do the episodes become violent or out of control like they used to. ive done alot of finger pointing and placing blame and nasty name calling, none of which are good but im not acting on my anger like i have in the even recent past. god is working in me i just need to find a way to get my own ego and my own earthly desires out of the way. continuing to seek the word of god is my only option at this point. i love my wife but if she cant see that she is being influenced by the same dark evil things that once had there grip on me there is nothing i can do.

[colvera]

I would suggest you go away and pray. Find a place of isolation, get on your knees and cry out to the Lord to help you, Jesus went away and prayed.

Your role(as Man) in marriage is direct contact to God. When you point fingers and blame on her that is wrong. You are accountable for your mistakes and short comings not your wife (James 5:6) Confess your faults one to another and pray for one another that ye maybe healed.. Instead you should pray for wisdom from God to guide you. Also pray for her salvation and for the Lord to soften her heart. (thats meaning of giving it to God) Also remember you can't change your wifes heart, but if you truely believe God can move mountains, dont you think HE can change your wives heart? Could these trials be here to also teach you about faith? and your position in marriage? Something is definitly broken here, and Gods purpose is to show you how to "give it to him". AMEN We cant change our loved ones, but God surely can. AMEN
1 Cor 11...........3 messages very important!!! I found in this chapter. Pray for the Lord to reveal understanding and wisdom and read 1 Cor 11. See if you can see the messages. AMEN

Your role to marriage is that of Christ to the Church
Groom(husband)=Christ
Bride(wife)=Church(believers)

Bible says that if unbelieving spouse choses to leave, then let them go. You can"t leave, but they can.

[dema]

I was told that some people stay in a damaging and abusive relationship because they are Christians and feel that they have to forgive every time someone asks them to do so. Repentance means to turn away from one's sin. If the person isn't turning away, then we don't have to keep pretending that their request for forgiveness is sincere. We will need to forgive - as in releasing them to God's justice, but we don't have to keep being punished by an unrepentant person. And while Paul said that if the unbeliever spouse wants the believer to stay then do so, Paul also said women shouldn't speak in church and a number of other things that must have had context to them. Because they seem to contradict other verses like "There is neither male nor female, Jew nor Greek.... but all are one." In the early church, Paul dealt with some women leaders. So, there are some confusing issues that were probably easily resolvable if one was there.

In this case there is "Don't be unequally yoked"

God made a lot of rules in Leviticus and Deuteronomy, and God himself broke a whole bunch of them - in acts of mercy and compassion.

The goal is to love - including loving your neighbor as yourself. Which means loving yourself.

This isn't a simple situation. It needs a lot of prayer. And love for yourself, and compassion for yourself.

And you might also consider what you would tell another Christian who was in your situation. What advice would you give to another?

How will you best serve God? Where will there be fruit?

[TrueAndMagneticNorth]

Hi sovern1982,

You've gotten some good advice in this thread so far and I'm not sure if I can help you at all, but there are some observations I would like to make.

Firstly, I have no doubt that the Holy Spirit is active in your soul. Your attitude of forgiveness toward a cheating spouse and the co- wrong-doer is ample evidence of this.

Secondly, I am not for a second going to advise you to take drastic action one way or the other. It is not my right to do that. But I am just saying that in Matthew 5:32 it is clearly implied that a person is well within their rights, according to God's perfect law, to leave a cheating spouse. No matter what justification, excuses, whatever may be put forward by a cheating spouse, there is not and can not be justification for adultery (the act itself) according to God's law; the sin of adultery is very much squarely at the feet of those engaging in it, and no-one else (sure, there may be other things that lead up to it, but that's another issue). And the verse in Matthew makes it clear that adultery is the only justifiable reason for a person to leave a spouse.

I have no doubt that God loves your forgiving attitude and He would like your spouse to repent and for your marriage to become rock solid. But, as pointed out by another poster on this thread, not all things are of God, and if there is no repentance being showed for the cheating, ask God what is best.

Lastly, here is my attempt at answering your question about 'Leaving it to God.' I think some people might not fully comprehend what is meant by this (hey, maybe I don't either, but that's another story). God can guide us through His spirit, but He has not chosen to be our puppet master. This means that he often does not necessarily do things alone for us, but with us, ie. in a partnerhship with Him at the front, but with us also doing our part.

Maybe ask Him what is best with your marriage, the best way for you to proceed, whether it be to your liking or not what He says to this. And if you do not feel you have the strength to proceed in this way, beg Him for strength. Tell Him you are not strong enough to do it alone, and that you will need Him to step in for you.

I know, this is all easy to say, given I am distant and not in the middle of this terrible situation. But I hope you can take solace in knowing that God loves you, and his fruits are at work in your soul, even in these dark times.

God bless.

[blueglasses]

Hi
My heart goes out to you. I was in your situation 19 years ago. I decided to stay in my marriage as I did'nt want to destroy our six childrens life. They are all grown now and I'm still married.(31 yrs)I guess it's not about serving me but about serving GOD.
I can't control what he chooses to do (he did change his ways)but I'm here to serve GOD and I have to answer to GOD for my life. The mighty Lord will direct your path if you focus on Him. He is carrying you. I'm sure many who read your post are praying for your situation. I ask GOD in Jesus name to give you direction and the peace in this storm that only HE can provide. A million hugs going your way brother as we fight the good fight...

[momof3]

I too, am praying for you. Im not going to judge your spouse about whether or not she is saved, only God knows her heart. Im sure you pray for her and your marriage constantly. There are times we as Christians hear "God hates divorce" or " You took your vows and are sinning if you break them" I can say that if my child were being abused in a marriage, I would not want her to stay. Sometimes we marry someone hoping it's God's will. On the other hand, Ive seen marriages healed and brought back from total ashes. There is a book called "Love must be tough" James Dobson, I believe. It helped me after alot of prayer and leaving things to the Lord to work out. Im also never going to say that God cant change people...or circumstances..or relationships...or hearts. He's in that type of business. He loves your wife. She is His child too. Doesnt mean he likes what she is doing...but He does love her and is waiting for her to turn to Him for help and healing. Try reading the book and see if maybe there are some things in it that may help you. He loves you, too...and hears your prayers and your heart's cries.

Ive been where you are. He did lead me through it..and He is in the restoration business. God bless you through this. You and your wife are in my prayers.

in Jesus,
love momo