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well i'm to the point i'm willing to try anything. seems like i just can't keep going any more. unemployed for 2 years now, menopause, fibromyalgia, sprained right shoulder/arm. between being bored and in pain, not really sure what to do any more. Jesus is my best friend and that's about all i can say right now. good place to start. !! just trying to figure out what to do next. i have been working contract about 4-6 days a month. 2 hr intensive shoulder rehab 3x a week. need some fun in my life or something. so day 2 tomorrow. what shall i do in the mean time?

cont- on below

Hi flourish,

Good to see you on this path sis

You have jotted down some of your thoughts and shared your desire for something more. Im sure this path if done sincerely will enrich your life spiritually and will deepen your relationship with our Lord.

In the mean time? Breathe and relax. Maybe play some music .

God bless n keep ya

♥Jill

Day 2, the garden gate is open.

yesterdays distress was from exhaustion. went for a 20 min walk and was really tired afterward. realized health issues and extreme exercise rehab is taking its toll. need to rest and recharge, drink more water and plan my time better.

problem: Fear

1. loss of retirement/home from lack of money from unemployment
2. sprained shoulder not healing properly
3. partner isn't going to heal so we can get married
4. Jesus won't be there when i need him
5. health issues interfering with life
6. i'll never get thru the "hell" to get to a good life. been trying for a really long time.

can say really don't like to garden or have much interest in it. i'm more of an animal person myself.

Flourish ,

God bless you sis, im sure you would be a "bit" tired after all that . I Will be lifting all these situations up to Him for His will in all you concerns.

Fear is the BIG one! I Feel ya! I was there and still have my tussles with it. There is hope tho so dont dismay.

When fear stands in the light of the Truth, it falls away. Here is a quote that has helped me, it is from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Note- I am not an alcoholic. But i can relate spiritually nevertheless because of so many fears and anxieties that i made myself suffer from without knowing the power and knowledge of Truth.


"We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can
laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness.
Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is
that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust
their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him
demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our
fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once,
we commence to outgrow fear."


~Alcoholics Anonymous, 1st. Edition,
How It Works, pg. 68~

I like your fear list, they are all concrete and sincere fears that i can sense has a grip on you.

Take them one by one .

And do some fact finding, what is the worse thing that can happen in any or all of these scenarios? Prepare for that and hope for the best. Then whatever happens in His will, we will be able to accept and have peace with whatever comes our way. All except the one where Jesus wont be there for you. He will always be there for you, that is a Promise.

Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with
such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake
thee. So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear
what man shall do unto me. Hebrews 13:5,6

God bless n keep ya sis
♥Jill

Day 3

ah, so weeds in my garden. another weed of mine is independence. asking for help and trusting other people is tough for me. I've been a christian for a while now so i know about Gods grace, forgiveness, mercy and love. i would like to get closer to Jesus by seeing His presence in other people. how do i discern that? just cause someone says they're a christian doesn't mean they are.

i found out with menopause and a lot of unaccustomed exercise i need to drink lots of water. after exercising my shoulder yesterday i ate and drank lots of water. restored me right away. didn't realize how dehydrated i had become. so in my recovery "suitcase" i added: when feeling miserable take a nap, drink lots of water and eat something nutritious and don't be so hard on myself.

Hi flourish

In response to your question I would like to add some thoughts if i may
How to see Christ in others

Being like Jesus is not so much about keeping the rules as it is about knowing his forgiveness. But once we know that forgiveness, being like Jesus is also about committing acts of grace and mercy on a consistent basis, because that’s the way he lived. So we can begin to see Christ in them by their actions, or their fruits, but also sis God has taught me alot about this, bear with me a moment with this beautiful vision He has given me that has enlightened my soul...

God has taught me to look for the gem in every situation and every person. We all have a "gem" . Some people dont even know they have gems, or in the process of creating their gems. It sits in darkness and is waiting for light to be shed upon it, the dirt to be washed off of it, the rock that has encased it to be broken... so it can shine in all its brilliance. We carry that lite with us as believers, for He is the light. So we want to see the gem in others? The Christ? Shine sister shine yours brightly and you will be able to see the Spirit in them. For a gem isnt a gem in all its brilliance unless the light is reflected upon it.

The pure in heart see God at work where others cannot, because they expect to, and because they are open to receive Christ into their lives.

Ty Lord for blessing us with this gem of a sister.
Lov ya sis
♥Jill

Independence is just control with a different label. Letting Him have complete control will take time and practice. We are taught as children to take control of our lives and encouraged all the way up to adulthood. If anyone has ever stripped your control away by harming you then that desire to take control is even stronger so to keep it from happening again. I find many walking around trying to control with out even realizing it then miserable because they can't control everything to exhausted from trying to control everything. It's a lot of work! You can enjoy life much more when you let go of control. Be dependent on Him just as a young child would be dependent on his/her parents for everything.

Take care.

All I have to say is keep staying strong. It will all clear up one day and your life will be back together. You have to keep reminding yourself that this is only making you stronger. Continue giving back to the community and you will also be praised.

thanks COOL gang for your support, help and thoughts. i appreciate the consideration.

Day 4 1/2

That was a pretty big lesson yesterday. spent the whole day thinking about it and still haven't come up with much.

when i'm ill i feel great self pity and self loathing like i did last week. it's important to take care of me, if i don't, stuff doesn't get done. it just keeps piling on and then its twice as much work and now consequences when i feel better again.

i think i'm pretty good as forgiving people in general. not myself very well. people tell me to not beat myself up or be so hard on myself. not sure what that really means or how i go about that.

biggest problem i have at forgiving is a repeat offender. they keep doing same thing, or same thing with a new twist, over and over and nothing i say or do seems to have an effect. they deny the offense or say they will change, but don't. not real repentance. supposed christians and i feel badly for them. hard to change stuff sometimes even with help. i can forgive them but i can't trust them and i start distancing myself from them. i don't want to be an enabler or a door mat. i don't understand how to build trust again. like the text said its all very complicated.

also i couldn't get the music to play. not sure why that was.

For the songs click this link COOL CD Player then scroll down and click the song Seventy Times Seven and/or When God Ran

I know forgiving self can be so hard. Keep seeking Him in this and it'll come in time. He won't leave you there when you're truly seeking. He loves ya to much to do that. Besides He's good. The best.

Take care.

Hi Pine,

thanks for the link. its different than the 1 in the lesson. i have book marked the one u gave me.