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I don't know maybe it's because I somehow managed to get sick but today's stepping stone just seemed like common knowledge to me. Yes, I get really grumpy when I'm sick . I've tried not to be all day, but it seems to be coming out every which way. Some things today have just turned out really crazy I guess.

My grandmother, I call her Nana... or use to... has decided to inform the family that she never disowned me, that I supposedly disowned her... which really isn't the case. Have you ever had someone in your life you have to keep forgiving over and over again, and the only reason you do it is because you really did, at one time, trust that person... that's how it's been with my grandmother. After my sis went crazy and after my mom went to jail for possession of illegal substances, my grandmother started telling me how great I was, how she couldn't make it without me and blah blah blah... Something really bad happened in my life shortly thereafter and she just wouldn't accept it. She couldn't come to terms with what happened to me and in the end decided that it was time for us to split ways... whcih I guess emotionally I had already done at the time because I needed my Nana you know... I needed her to be there for me... this one time when I couldn't be strong... and she just couldn't or wouldnt. But now grandpa is dying and she's blaming my whole families dysfunction on me... Yeah its like everything finally explodes and who's the kid that did it? Yeah that's right the college kid who drinks and no one knows... who smokes when no one knows... who is sleeping around because she just wants to be loved...

It's like she forgot everytime I was there for her... when her other granddaughter went schizophrenic, when her daughter, my mother, tried to kill herself and then was put in jail for crack possession... but yeah that's right... I'm the bad no good idiot... I destroyed myf amily...

Sorry I just had to vent... I feel like everything inside me is literally about to explode... I don't know if the stress from work, or from family, or just everything.

I want to do what's right, good, and just. But I feel like I keep hitting a brick wall... This step for some reason made me feel like I was suppose to be a million lightyears ahead of where I am now... Like I was suppose to feel differently... but I feel worse right now than I ever have... I guess it's because now that there's no alcohol in my system... I can actually feel emotions that I didn't know existed... I don't know... I'm just ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh right now...

And tomorrow I now know I'm going to have to kick my roommate out... She's been my best friend for like six years... but when she gets mad... she gets mad... and she was mad tonight about other ppl supposedly taking advantage of her and I kept saying that she was taking it out on me and needed to calm down so she throw her chair at me... hmm.... it took all I could not to get violent back.. that's one thing I don't do is violence... so I'm trying to stay calm right now and cool down before I go say anything else to her.

Good Morning DS
I pray you are feeling better today, and as for being blamed for everyone else's faults and shortcomings, you are responsable for you and your actions, what happened with your mother or your sister was not for you to control
just as you have made the choice to put the alcohol down which is YOUR choice and no one else has control over that
only you giving it to God.
As hard as it is Give it ALL to God and you stay focused on you getting better and allow Him to take care of the rest
If you feel it in your heart that you have truly forgiven your nana then the rest is up to God and her you cannot change someone else's heart or mind all you can do is love them as the Lord wants you to.
And the roomate thing you are the only one who knows what you need or don't need but right now you need support not anger, I'm glad to hear you kept your cool that is hard enough but when dealing with all you are right now it is awesome you held your temper
Hang in there precious you can do this, we are here for you anytime
How long with no alcohol?
May God give you the strength to overcome this and all other things in your path
Cuc

Hi deafening silence,
I was so glad to see your post from yesterday. I had a really emotional weekend and had been on here and read something on your status and immediatley started praying for you. I was reminded that getting out of my own head and being service to another helps me to stop obsessing on my "problems."
I feel so proud of you for getting up and continuing your walk in recovery. I love your honesty. It helps me. I see that I am not the only one struggling and I dont feel so alone. I'm working at growing a support group of people with whom I trust and can speak truthfully. It is refreshing for me to read you being honest about your family and life.
Im the only one in recovery in my family and get labeled the wet blanket cuz I dont drink anymore and I talk about God and therapy. I havent dedicated my life to making money like my parents, sister and step siblings. I see how they cringe at my old vehicle and modest home. I need to surround myself with people that love the Lord more than money. It is hard where I live in Southern California. I find myself feeling inferior and envious as to what I can supply for my children. When I read your posts, I get refocused on what my kids really need = a strong relationship with Jesus. So many of us parents are worried about kids having a great school to get a great career to get great salary to supposedly get a great life. If the parents and their kids dont deal with the truth of their lives and relationships like you are, what does the rest matter.
Keep up the good work ! Its not easy but it is worth it and so are you!
Hugs and blessings to you,
Diane