Day One
Posted: Mon Jul 04, 2011 11:31 pmSo, apparently, this is my first journal entry. I'm not sure exactly what I"m suppose to say or inform everyone up, the instructions on the site really weren't very structured so I'm just going to give it a try. I need some way to change my life and if this is what it takes, then so be it. I'm a 22 year college student right now. I'm off for the summer, which means, I'm spending most of my time continuing to tear my life apart. I'm not sure if I should start with the beginning of my problems or start and work my way back. Okay I'll just start with my biggest problems today and then work my way back... just bare with me please....
Okay, so today I am sleeping around with multiple guys, not sure why. I don't enjoy it I just do it. It's one of my addictions I guess. I'm completely and utterly controlled by alcohol. There isn't a day that goes by now that I'm not drinking or thinking about drinking. I have a job that I hate because it's morally wrong, or so it seems to me anyway. I hate everyone in my family and frankly although I have people that would consider me one of their good friends... I truly feel close to no one. I have no passion for anything and I feel like I'm living in a world full of utter chaos.
Growing up my 'father' was a pastor of a small Pentecostal church and 'mother' never really did much of anything except stay on her computer, gave into her addiction of crack and eventually cheated on my 'father'. That wasn't such a big deal because even my preacher 'father' was cheating on 'mother' in a disgusting way. At least 'mother' was with people her own age. From a very early age I was taught a version of Christianity that I utterly despised. I couldn't see that a loving God mentioned in the Bible, all I saw was the depiction of God my 'father' taught me.
Skip the next fifteen years of my life and my grandmother tells me to move in with her because she's tired of seeing me and my twin sister being abused. blah blah blah. It was our senior year of high school and we agreed that it seemed like the most logical idea. Well we moved in and everything was nice. We finally could sleep in peace. We could go to school without wondering how much trouble we'd be in when we got home for things we didn't even know we did. My grandmother really seemed to love us at the time. My grandfather became my 'father' figure. For the first time in my life I had a father figure that I thought truly loved me the right way.
My grandmother convinced me and my sis that we needed to attend a christian university when we graduated so we did. (Grandma was baptist, so I was already getting confused about what doctrine was the real way to go). The university we chose was a small baptist university. Everything seemed to line up, I got a full academic scholarship, I started working for the athletic trainer and soon I was also working for my university's campus security. My sister and I made tons of friends and we just had fun you know, we even roomed together. Second semester of our freshman year my grandmother called and informed us that our parents had gotten a divorce, my mother was threatening to kill herself, and our 'father' had gotten a girl a year older than us pregnant.
At that moment, things started changing. That night I dealt with things the only way I knew how, I went straight back to the room to type a research paper. I just ignored the fact that anything major had happened. My sister on the other hand kind of went nuts she started walking down a major highway in front of the school. Eventually I went outside and drove around until I found her, begged her to get back in the car, which she eventually did, and I took her back to campus. Well.... the next day I decided I needed to go to church (I had neglected church going most of the year that year) so I left and went to church that night. I came back to the college... and to make a long story short there was something that happened on campus involving my sister. I was later to learn its something that called a psychotic break and she got diagnosed with schizophrenia. She eventually killed a puppy I got her for our bday because the voices told her too, and she did a million and one other things.
During this time I continued on with college, put in some mission trips through a mission board, and just pretended to be the perfect christian kid. My 'mother' had been put in jail for possession of crack and my gma would always tell me I was her rock, I'm the only reason she could make it through blah blah blah. THe summer of last year eveyrthing blew up for me. I met a guy at a christian summer camp we were both working at and well we went out one night... things happened and I didn't know what to do. Told my grandma and instead of supporting me when everything went down she blamed me, said I had to be lieing, and a million and one other things. That day I went out and bought my first alcoholic beverage. Ever since everything has went downhill. My grades suck, professors tell me I'm intelligent and they don't understand what's going on.
What's going on is I'm majorly failing at life. I lost my twin sister the only one that truly knew me and what happened in our childhood, to schizophrenia. My grandmother the only person I truly trusted in my life turned against me... and then I turned against myself. I want the real loving Christian God and I want to do what he wants me to with my life. But I'm so confused and enveloped by my addictions that I can't see a way out. So what I'm hoping to get out of this is a way out. A life of peace, maybe some happiness, and a relationship with a 'father' that could truly unconditionally love me. I'm tired of living in sin everyday. The only master I have is alcohol and sex... they control me... and I hate them... which makes me hate myself.
I think that's all I have for now... I sound like a psycho babbling moron.
Okay, so today I am sleeping around with multiple guys, not sure why. I don't enjoy it I just do it. It's one of my addictions I guess. I'm completely and utterly controlled by alcohol. There isn't a day that goes by now that I'm not drinking or thinking about drinking. I have a job that I hate because it's morally wrong, or so it seems to me anyway. I hate everyone in my family and frankly although I have people that would consider me one of their good friends... I truly feel close to no one. I have no passion for anything and I feel like I'm living in a world full of utter chaos.
Growing up my 'father' was a pastor of a small Pentecostal church and 'mother' never really did much of anything except stay on her computer, gave into her addiction of crack and eventually cheated on my 'father'. That wasn't such a big deal because even my preacher 'father' was cheating on 'mother' in a disgusting way. At least 'mother' was with people her own age. From a very early age I was taught a version of Christianity that I utterly despised. I couldn't see that a loving God mentioned in the Bible, all I saw was the depiction of God my 'father' taught me.
Skip the next fifteen years of my life and my grandmother tells me to move in with her because she's tired of seeing me and my twin sister being abused. blah blah blah. It was our senior year of high school and we agreed that it seemed like the most logical idea. Well we moved in and everything was nice. We finally could sleep in peace. We could go to school without wondering how much trouble we'd be in when we got home for things we didn't even know we did. My grandmother really seemed to love us at the time. My grandfather became my 'father' figure. For the first time in my life I had a father figure that I thought truly loved me the right way.
My grandmother convinced me and my sis that we needed to attend a christian university when we graduated so we did. (Grandma was baptist, so I was already getting confused about what doctrine was the real way to go). The university we chose was a small baptist university. Everything seemed to line up, I got a full academic scholarship, I started working for the athletic trainer and soon I was also working for my university's campus security. My sister and I made tons of friends and we just had fun you know, we even roomed together. Second semester of our freshman year my grandmother called and informed us that our parents had gotten a divorce, my mother was threatening to kill herself, and our 'father' had gotten a girl a year older than us pregnant.
At that moment, things started changing. That night I dealt with things the only way I knew how, I went straight back to the room to type a research paper. I just ignored the fact that anything major had happened. My sister on the other hand kind of went nuts she started walking down a major highway in front of the school. Eventually I went outside and drove around until I found her, begged her to get back in the car, which she eventually did, and I took her back to campus. Well.... the next day I decided I needed to go to church (I had neglected church going most of the year that year) so I left and went to church that night. I came back to the college... and to make a long story short there was something that happened on campus involving my sister. I was later to learn its something that called a psychotic break and she got diagnosed with schizophrenia. She eventually killed a puppy I got her for our bday because the voices told her too, and she did a million and one other things.
During this time I continued on with college, put in some mission trips through a mission board, and just pretended to be the perfect christian kid. My 'mother' had been put in jail for possession of crack and my gma would always tell me I was her rock, I'm the only reason she could make it through blah blah blah. THe summer of last year eveyrthing blew up for me. I met a guy at a christian summer camp we were both working at and well we went out one night... things happened and I didn't know what to do. Told my grandma and instead of supporting me when everything went down she blamed me, said I had to be lieing, and a million and one other things. That day I went out and bought my first alcoholic beverage. Ever since everything has went downhill. My grades suck, professors tell me I'm intelligent and they don't understand what's going on.
What's going on is I'm majorly failing at life. I lost my twin sister the only one that truly knew me and what happened in our childhood, to schizophrenia. My grandmother the only person I truly trusted in my life turned against me... and then I turned against myself. I want the real loving Christian God and I want to do what he wants me to with my life. But I'm so confused and enveloped by my addictions that I can't see a way out. So what I'm hoping to get out of this is a way out. A life of peace, maybe some happiness, and a relationship with a 'father' that could truly unconditionally love me. I'm tired of living in sin everyday. The only master I have is alcohol and sex... they control me... and I hate them... which makes me hate myself.
I think that's all I have for now... I sound like a psycho babbling moron.
. Just have some patience and try not to be too hard on yourself...I know...easier said than done 
Ty Lord for your saving Grace .
Know that I am praying for you and many others are also.
Awesome Step 1 
Lani