life and then
Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 1:58 ama couple things happened in my walk today. i finally found the courage to go back and finish some reading of my new dear friends testimonies...stories i had attempted to read already once when i first got to Oasis a few weeks ago. i wasn't able to complete the reading then because of the pain the authors suffered and the pain the reading caused me. i gotta tell ya i still cried and cried today.
there is so much of my life i just plain dont remember. whether i blocked stuff out or i was too wasted for my brain to make a memory or whatever i dont know. i do know that the testimonies i read made me wonder about it. i've wondered before. i have concentrated on trying to remember things before and come up with a few little things. i remember the gist. i remember enough.
one thing i remembered today was playing with a ouija board. i was a freshman in high school. my friend and i played it all the time. we would even draw our own on paper and use a coin if we didnt have the actual board with us. we would sleep over at her house and smoke her parents pot and drink their whiskey and play with the ouija board. i was playing it another time at my house with different friends and i saw something a dog like thing in a shadowy form. i dont remember why i quit playing with that. i think other things just came up and i moved on. a few years later when i was in my first attempt to get back to God, i felt and saw a crow like creature of shadow form in my room. it woke me from sleep. i was terrified. i prayed. i fell asleep to a vision of myself wrapped in glowing white robes sitting in my Father's lap.
the other thing about today...im having a personal struggle about another person. i talked to one of my new friends about it last night and she helped me feel safe about it. and today i talked to a couple others about it. this person i am having issues with - and my issues here are on me. this person has in no way done anything to me or said anything to me personally - but when they talk something about the things they say makes me wanna run far and fast. so i was sharing with some people i have recently come to value deeply and one of them pulled me aside and asked me what was up. i explained what was going on and she said maybe thats God makin you face whatever this is....and it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. this person i am having issues with reminds me of my brother.
so, whew, more boxes to go through. my brother is 8 years younger than me...he is my only sibling. our childhood was ick and i took my anger out on him. he wanted me to hold him and love him and want to spend time with him and i didnt. instead i became the instant babysitter and my mom went to work. i resented him. ow. im a horrible horrible mean natured thing.
he is an alcoholic. he has been in jail 3 times for DUI/DWI. i have carried so much guilt for so very long because i pushed him towards where he is. i lead and he followed. i got out and he got stuck. i traded alcohol and drugs for other comforts.
he used to call me at all hours and want to talk about his philosphy for hours into the night. always wasted when he called. the phone would ring and wake my kids. one night he told me Jesus was just another teacher. i thought he was saved about when he was 8. i remember the times. i think he has something to prove now. i think he wants to try and be a left behind. after he tried to tell me i was a fool for still believing in Jesus i quit answering the phone when he'd call. he won't listen to me or anyone. now he won't talk to me. my parents pray and pray and pray and I am certain every Christian they know prays. and i pray and sob and pray. and beg forgiveness. and try to forget.
there is so much of my life i just plain dont remember. whether i blocked stuff out or i was too wasted for my brain to make a memory or whatever i dont know. i do know that the testimonies i read made me wonder about it. i've wondered before. i have concentrated on trying to remember things before and come up with a few little things. i remember the gist. i remember enough.
one thing i remembered today was playing with a ouija board. i was a freshman in high school. my friend and i played it all the time. we would even draw our own on paper and use a coin if we didnt have the actual board with us. we would sleep over at her house and smoke her parents pot and drink their whiskey and play with the ouija board. i was playing it another time at my house with different friends and i saw something a dog like thing in a shadowy form. i dont remember why i quit playing with that. i think other things just came up and i moved on. a few years later when i was in my first attempt to get back to God, i felt and saw a crow like creature of shadow form in my room. it woke me from sleep. i was terrified. i prayed. i fell asleep to a vision of myself wrapped in glowing white robes sitting in my Father's lap.
the other thing about today...im having a personal struggle about another person. i talked to one of my new friends about it last night and she helped me feel safe about it. and today i talked to a couple others about it. this person i am having issues with - and my issues here are on me. this person has in no way done anything to me or said anything to me personally - but when they talk something about the things they say makes me wanna run far and fast. so i was sharing with some people i have recently come to value deeply and one of them pulled me aside and asked me what was up. i explained what was going on and she said maybe thats God makin you face whatever this is....and it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. this person i am having issues with reminds me of my brother.
so, whew, more boxes to go through. my brother is 8 years younger than me...he is my only sibling. our childhood was ick and i took my anger out on him. he wanted me to hold him and love him and want to spend time with him and i didnt. instead i became the instant babysitter and my mom went to work. i resented him. ow. im a horrible horrible mean natured thing.
he is an alcoholic. he has been in jail 3 times for DUI/DWI. i have carried so much guilt for so very long because i pushed him towards where he is. i lead and he followed. i got out and he got stuck. i traded alcohol and drugs for other comforts.
he used to call me at all hours and want to talk about his philosphy for hours into the night. always wasted when he called. the phone would ring and wake my kids. one night he told me Jesus was just another teacher. i thought he was saved about when he was 8. i remember the times. i think he has something to prove now. i think he wants to try and be a left behind. after he tried to tell me i was a fool for still believing in Jesus i quit answering the phone when he'd call. he won't listen to me or anyone. now he won't talk to me. my parents pray and pray and pray and I am certain every Christian they know prays. and i pray and sob and pray. and beg forgiveness. and try to forget.
