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Below is my journal from yesterday

It really helps tremendously to write my thoughts. The reason I say blah, blah, blah is it feels like the same old thing and it is BUT Hallelujah! I can say it is helping. My thoughts from last night came to mind even though I battled before I went to bed and was able to give it to God. I woke up still feeling oppressed. So much so that I went to my husband and asked him to pray for me! He is confident in God's grace and acceptance. He prayed for me. Praying with my husband that the effect that where "two or three are gathered" as well as of "two becoming one flesh". So it was double trouble for satan. After we prayed, I did feel release from the oppression.

As I have been at my computer today I have been assaulted by the
enemy who has had control of my thoughts continuously for 54 years. I rebuke. He pops back. So and so on. I had a thought that Barb - who I introduced into my Bible study (who is very comfortable around people and spiritually much more mature) - bonded with Mary who was talking about her spiritual revelation. Barb added her spiritual wisdom. The thought came to me that "I am too needy for friendship of others there." I rebuke, but the thought still lingers. How do I process this? Mary is going through a really tough time with her husband's health and her brother-in-law's health, who is literally on his deathbed. How dare I be jealous of any spiritual guidance and love from Barb?

I ask You, Lord, to turn my thoughts to You. You are the love I am so lacking within myself - that I am so needy for! Fill me that I may in turn have Your love flow through me to others as Barb for Mary. Lord, keep me from having bitterness, envy and jealousy from corrupting my spirit. Forgive me.

Again, I rebuke. I receive that in Christ I am loved, I am forgiven, I am accepted, I am enough with His grace.

Today, I lost every headway I was making. The devil kicked me real good with every emotional baggage I've had. Memories of rejection from the past. I am in an angry state: just mad or aggravated at myself, God (I guess really myself) because I wasn't able to break through this crap! I feel like other people have real problems. My problem is emotional retardation. I just never grew up and matured. I can't define the problem except to say I don't know how to belong. Even in church and now even in a Bible study. I just don't get it. Right now, I feel like I never will.

Hello dabs

Was thinking about this "neediness."

What do you think is behind it? Do you feel you are insecure in yourself? Perhaps need to find who you are in Christ. By getting a tight grasp on how God sees you, loves you, and accepts you.

All God to melt your heart with his abundant love and kindness. Seek Him diligently. Ask Him to reveal to you who you are in His eyes. And listen. To Him.

The whispers will go away if you stop believing them. She can't fill this need with in you. It will just grow bigger and bigger. The more attention you get from her the more you want from her until she can't breath. You must fill this need with God.

Love you. Praying for you.

Was thinking about this "neediness."

What do you think is behind it? Do you feel you are insecure in yourself?

I have thought of this. I am not a psychiatrist but this is what I think it goes back to: My mom had schizophrenia (I believe that is the term). She used write and write and write about lawsuits and people she was angry at and have tirades at someone who wasn't there. She was also hard of hearing which made it worse. I remember being an infant and she holding me up and shaking me and screaming at me (at her demons). My dad said he remembers coming home from work and me being in my crib crying with snot running down my nose. I was her third child. My sister older than me and my brother got to go live with my grandmother, so she turned out okay. My brother was adored because he was the boy. I knew as I was growing up my mother loved me. It's funny she usually had a sunny disposition when those moods didn't attack her. I can't help but feel that something about my infancy and not having my needs met then, makes me the way I am now. There is a giant size hole in who I am.

I think that may have something to do with the fear response of being close to people physically that makes me panic, sweat and want to run away. Yet at the same time desiring with all my heart to let go be comfortable at their nearness.

I have never expressed that to anyone that I am aware of. I might have said it to my son who is 25 and wanted to know why he's messed up in his emotions too. That's about the best I can offer him. I'd appreciate any feedback, if someone is aware that this type of childhood can cause these types of problems.

Hi dabs

There is a title for this. Can't think of the name of it right now. Doesn't really matter though cause the reason why might seem important but it's not the answer. She may be the cause, but He is the answer. And really is she the reason? We have an enemy that apparently had messed her up as well. I'm sorry for what you went through. It can leave us feeling weird and mixed up.

What's the answer? I still believe it's in finding who you are in Christ. You can get through this and heal. Through Him.

He loves ya dabs and wants you to be whole. Give Him your past, present, and future and seek Him diligently. Trust...Faith...Hope. In Him.

I know you hurt dabs. You just want to be loved. And accepted just as you are. He loves you and accepts you just as you are.

Love you!

Hello dabs

The fellowship I'm involved in we have a little saying in the way of encouragement , "We can start our day over at any time" . This we say (and practice) after a seemingly confusing spot we may find ourselves in after doing everything we're "supposed to" - Prayer , meditation , turning our will and life over to His care , so forth and so on - and wham , all of a sudden , we go "Hey wait a minute , this wasn't in the plan , where did this come from ?" and next thing we know , we get thrown off balance , and veer off course . In other , we get distracted , and our attentions get focused on the confusion . Ah , there it is ! God is not an Author of confusion , so , if it ain't from God ... So , what's the best course of action to take ? We start our day (Life) over again - Prayer , meditation , turning our will and life over to His care - we hand the reins over to Him , (He knows a shortcut )



In Christ , our Lord

I understand exactly what you're saying because I too became a very needy adult as a result of listening to and believing what I call "word curses" as a child.

I agree with Pine that the answer lies in not believing the lies (those mean things that were said to you as a child (and if you're like me you may still say them to yourself whenever you look in the mirror.) I found that the way to overcome those word curses (after praying in Jesus' name to reject them), is to replace them one by one with the Truth that is found in the Word of God. Read these verses daily... the Word of God is alive and changes people from the inside out!

WHO I AM IN CHRIST

Dear Dabs

I feel your pain.
And have felt it for years, not having the nurturing that some very lucky people get.
It keeps us (always searching for it. In my teenage years it was boys , then men then more men then.... Well you probably know the rest.
Seems like i even infected the good guys.
But when we are what should be mature, It really can be a problem.
I had a pastor say to the congregation not too long ago: we will never be able to accept the way God loves until we can fully see all he has really done for us. and when we see (with open eyes ) how much he really really really really in the most indescribable, not human (because humans are not capable ) not mommy and daddy kind of way .Cause some of us did not have a very good example. But when we in our hearts know this..... we cannot be stopped or contained cause we have known his heart and will trust him with our total life .
So in saying all that ... MY journey is in learning anything about his love for me that i possibly can. I hope that might help a bit.
You seem to have such a tender heart .
I wish you the best and i will ask my father (who art in heaven) to help you. Love Martha

Hello Dabs

God bless you this day.

I just want to say hello and to encourage you. I was past age 50 before I started truly seeking God in His fullness and to seek my Healer, and to receive my healing. He still looks at us as children...His children. Awwwwww, He is so good and He really does love us.

Dabs, I think you would be surprised at how many people have warped emotions. Mine had stretch marks because of how far I had stretched them. But, God is The Miracle Worker. He can and will heal you. You just have to keep seeking Him, and looking at how good He is.

Jesus loves Dabs.

I continue to lift you up in prayers to our Lord, in the blessed name of Jesus.
God's will be done.

God bless and keep you, Dabs.
Love,
Mack

You guys (all) are so wonderful. Right now I feel real beaten down and sorry for myself. I want to get back up and dust myself off, but I'm afraid of getting kicked back down again. Satan had a good time putting me "back where I belong". Intellectually I know he doesn't have authority over me but when all of those past thoughts come over me of what a misfit I am, I can't seem to get beyond that. I know about that river of thought and what goes in it keeps floating, good, bad, happy, sad. I'm not at the place where I can receive it into my mind, heart and soul. What if I never get there? To that place of utter confidence in Christ alone. That scares me. I hope you guys don't give up on me. Pray for my faith to be firmly intact, without doubt, with Christ as my solid ground. I thank God for each one of you; more than you'll ever know.

dabs
the devil has you right where feeling beat down and defeated. As long as he can keep you there , He wins. You got to get up brush yourself off and go again. If you do get knocked down again, get up, brush yourself off and go again. As long as he can knock you down and yo feel defeated, he will.
It is not a matter of getting knocked down, as we all do, it is a matter of what you do while you are down. You have many here that are praying for you and willing to walk along beside you.
Here, take my hand, lets get up and walk together for a little while. You are not in this alone and you do not have to walk it alone.
Prayers are rising for you .
Tam

Hello Dabs

God bless you this day.

I join Tam in lifting you up in prayers to our Lord, in the name of Jesus.
God's blessed will be done.

Dabs, while I wish I could tell you that you won't be beat up again by the devil or other people, or this life in this sinful world we live -- while I wish I could tell you that, I know it would only be a lie, or wishful thinking at best. What I can tell you, though, is that Jesus will never leave you, nor forsake you, and that The Lord does have a plan and a purpose that won't become evident to you while you are in the pit. It has something to do with the reception there.

My dear, you are loved and cherished by our Lord -- The Creator of the Universe. How cool is that?!!! And, you are loved by me. God is so Awesome how He does that -- how He has us love one another without having met in person, and that we can actually feel it. It truly is a miracle -- a blessed work of His love on and through us. Woooooohooooo!!!

So, as Tam said, get yourself up, brush yourself off, and start all over again. Hmmmmmmm I think that's a song.

Oh, speaking of song(s) -- be sure to check out the Songs/Videos area on this site. Such a blessing. Here is the link:
http://www.christianityoasis.com/Member ... /music.php

God bless you, Dabs
Love,
Mack

Well, I believe that you can get where you want to be with God...if you are willing to fight through and keep moving. Don't let doubt creep in and take over...keep the faith and hold strong. You can do this....

Praying for you.

luv ya