tina d my journal tohelp me heal day 3
Posted: Sun Sep 12, 2010 10:38 pmwell it's now 10:36 pm and guess what i am soo tired the new meds my doctor gave to me left me with very little awake time today which was not good for my family. I hate that i am soo out of it anymore and that life is passing me by while i sigh and watch it why? Is this really what i am thinking and wanting ..very doubtful..I do positive thinking all the time well as positive as you can do when you matter is over your mind anymore.It's sad because i always believed in mind over matter. I tried hard to be a good person really i did but lately i am a royal well i won't say you can ad lib and Jesus already 100% knows..I am soo tired anymore and drained like i have energy vampires all around me and the unseen is getting my good times..make sense? I look for the happy and good times and know what the saddest thing is i can NOT remember what happy feels like..i am sure i might of been somewhere in the past but where..my life has been HELL and am not kidding okay so i am suppose to put it all out the right tell it all and be honest and complete in order to heal well where do i start...you are all unknown to me so this should be easy right but guess what it is not..i have been in therapy for 7 yrs now and they don't even know everything i am sure if i wrote a book or made a movie my money troubles would probably disappear I believe in GOD 110% so you know i am just not sure why he keeps leaving me out in the rain..
i have no friends cuz i choose this life i only have family and doctors. I can't work anymore although nursing i felt was my calling i loved taking care of people and being needed now i am the needy one but needless to say NOT HAPPENING! I did nursing from 17 to 34 then this awful dis-ease decided to take that from me too.I am probably going to be all over the place with this healing journal as i really do not know what i can say and what i want to say or how long i am allowed to write. From what my parents told me i was a February baby born during a blizzard in 1967 on the 3rd. It was cold and sleeting and snowing and they almost got into a accident on the way to my birth. I was born though at 2:30am on 2/3/67 I guess i was a good baby my parents never said only that i was suppose to be my father's boy and i was another girl (i have 3 sisters and 1 brother) i later learned iwas suppose to be the glue to the marriage as it was falling apart and my dad was leaving before i came..well i FAILED! I FAILED they still divorced after 37 yrs of marriage i could not be the glue..My mother was not happy about this and my father left her for someone she was helping out. A lady who had nothing and was a single mother (he is still with her to this day and he is miserable) my mother would cry and cry and cry and yell at me. I was 9 yrs old when he left ..he left us both. I was upset and asked god why..no answer not even a sorry! My sisters and brothers were all gone so i was alone did i say that my closes sister to me is 13 years older then me and handicapped well not bad but the mentality of 13 even at 56 which she is today. I had foster sisters and brothers that my parents took in when i was little but my real sisters and brothers hardly came around to this day i have seen my 2 sisters under 6 times in my life and my brother maybe 3..yeah sad huh..they black sheeped me when i became the BAD girl which yes i did........Now my handicapped sister her name is Darlene and lets just say we are the closes use to be closer she even lived with me when my mother passed away (another story) but then i started remembering ..what did i remember...EVERYTHING that was going to help ruin my life! I remembered that she came to the school when i was in kindergarten and got me out early with her husband yes she was married to a sick B-----D ! and they took me to his parents house in NH from NY and he raped me i was 7 repetitively over and over again with my sister in the same bed! i remember looking to the sky and praying praying for it to end praying for help ..NOPE!!! I remember him saying he would kill us and me not letting that happen ..I remember when he was drunk or sleeping tell my sister we had to go at 7 me telling her she was 20 !! and running through the potato fields to get to a neighbor's house and calling my parents and them coming from NY to get us..i don't know what happened to Dave her husband i do know i don't care and as much as i try to forget and forgive i DON'T know how. I remember praying and nothing. I remember i use to go to church all the time we even playing hide in seek in the graveyard and i loved it and the lord. I was very smart and learned a lot fast sometimes to fast. I was best friends with the pastor's daughter and was over their house all the time.Then one day my foster sister Liz didn't come home and then i was allowed over no more and i remember why the pastor had got liz pregnant and left his wife..OMG i think now but as a 9 yr old i was thinking just wondering why i lost my friend. My mother allowed a family to say with us after my dad left when i was 9 there was the mother and two son Timmy and David it was not a good thing........I knew what it was like to be raped and well they knew how to rape. Timmy was the worse i still can taste his fat smelly arm trying to suffocate me which i tried to breathe as he raped me in the attic I WAS 9!!!!!!!!!!! i was so scared i thought i was going to die he said i would if i told i never did..David was the gentler one he tried to make it like something special but i cried to god where was he!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was ashamed and scared and now i was the one looking for love so i set out at 9 and became the biggest bad egg there could be. I was 9 and robbing the thurway market in our town they had a box of money in the back of lawaway and we would go grabbed the money and throw it through the store pocketing some for ourselves but giving most away. I decided instead of being raped again( I was tired of being scared and hurt) i would be willing and that opened a whole new me. I was now in control or so i thought. I decided i would NEVER be hurt or fall in love and i was good so good at everything . but then things changed very fast a boy i was with (yep still 9) decided he would steal a car and we would go to six flags he picked me up i didn't know the car was stolen he said it was his dad's and we drove he was 11 with him on phone books to see to newburgh to get gas (17 miles from home) we stopped with a handful of pennies and next thing i knew we were surrounded and being ripped out of the car and thrown into jail (yep still 9) court came and i was put away yep at 9 ..first foster home i was sent to was the manion's and i am going to stop for now as my head hurts from doing this and memories stink and i am crying and i don't know if i can forgive!!!!!!! even though Jesus did why why why did i go through my life because the only lessons i have learned up to now is love stinks, fend for yourself, friends are not friends,and where was god/Jesus when i cried begged and needed him where is he now that i am sick and where is he as these tears hit this computer keyboard and my back is aching and my heart is breaking this was probably a easier part of my life ..Oh i forgot how my mother would drop me off at the babysitter i was younger then 7 don't remember my age but remember the sick b---d tongue...i hate these people so how can i forgive them..??????????? i am a bad person.......
i have no friends cuz i choose this life i only have family and doctors. I can't work anymore although nursing i felt was my calling i loved taking care of people and being needed now i am the needy one but needless to say NOT HAPPENING! I did nursing from 17 to 34 then this awful dis-ease decided to take that from me too.I am probably going to be all over the place with this healing journal as i really do not know what i can say and what i want to say or how long i am allowed to write. From what my parents told me i was a February baby born during a blizzard in 1967 on the 3rd. It was cold and sleeting and snowing and they almost got into a accident on the way to my birth. I was born though at 2:30am on 2/3/67 I guess i was a good baby my parents never said only that i was suppose to be my father's boy and i was another girl (i have 3 sisters and 1 brother) i later learned iwas suppose to be the glue to the marriage as it was falling apart and my dad was leaving before i came..well i FAILED! I FAILED they still divorced after 37 yrs of marriage i could not be the glue..My mother was not happy about this and my father left her for someone she was helping out. A lady who had nothing and was a single mother (he is still with her to this day and he is miserable) my mother would cry and cry and cry and yell at me. I was 9 yrs old when he left ..he left us both. I was upset and asked god why..no answer not even a sorry! My sisters and brothers were all gone so i was alone did i say that my closes sister to me is 13 years older then me and handicapped well not bad but the mentality of 13 even at 56 which she is today. I had foster sisters and brothers that my parents took in when i was little but my real sisters and brothers hardly came around to this day i have seen my 2 sisters under 6 times in my life and my brother maybe 3..yeah sad huh..they black sheeped me when i became the BAD girl which yes i did........Now my handicapped sister her name is Darlene and lets just say we are the closes use to be closer she even lived with me when my mother passed away (another story) but then i started remembering ..what did i remember...EVERYTHING that was going to help ruin my life! I remembered that she came to the school when i was in kindergarten and got me out early with her husband yes she was married to a sick B-----D ! and they took me to his parents house in NH from NY and he raped me i was 7 repetitively over and over again with my sister in the same bed! i remember looking to the sky and praying praying for it to end praying for help ..NOPE!!! I remember him saying he would kill us and me not letting that happen ..I remember when he was drunk or sleeping tell my sister we had to go at 7 me telling her she was 20 !! and running through the potato fields to get to a neighbor's house and calling my parents and them coming from NY to get us..i don't know what happened to Dave her husband i do know i don't care and as much as i try to forget and forgive i DON'T know how. I remember praying and nothing. I remember i use to go to church all the time we even playing hide in seek in the graveyard and i loved it and the lord. I was very smart and learned a lot fast sometimes to fast. I was best friends with the pastor's daughter and was over their house all the time.Then one day my foster sister Liz didn't come home and then i was allowed over no more and i remember why the pastor had got liz pregnant and left his wife..OMG i think now but as a 9 yr old i was thinking just wondering why i lost my friend. My mother allowed a family to say with us after my dad left when i was 9 there was the mother and two son Timmy and David it was not a good thing........I knew what it was like to be raped and well they knew how to rape. Timmy was the worse i still can taste his fat smelly arm trying to suffocate me which i tried to breathe as he raped me in the attic I WAS 9!!!!!!!!!!! i was so scared i thought i was going to die he said i would if i told i never did..David was the gentler one he tried to make it like something special but i cried to god where was he!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was ashamed and scared and now i was the one looking for love so i set out at 9 and became the biggest bad egg there could be. I was 9 and robbing the thurway market in our town they had a box of money in the back of lawaway and we would go grabbed the money and throw it through the store pocketing some for ourselves but giving most away. I decided instead of being raped again( I was tired of being scared and hurt) i would be willing and that opened a whole new me. I was now in control or so i thought. I decided i would NEVER be hurt or fall in love and i was good so good at everything . but then things changed very fast a boy i was with (yep still 9) decided he would steal a car and we would go to six flags he picked me up i didn't know the car was stolen he said it was his dad's and we drove he was 11 with him on phone books to see to newburgh to get gas (17 miles from home) we stopped with a handful of pennies and next thing i knew we were surrounded and being ripped out of the car and thrown into jail (yep still 9) court came and i was put away yep at 9 ..first foster home i was sent to was the manion's and i am going to stop for now as my head hurts from doing this and memories stink and i am crying and i don't know if i can forgive!!!!!!! even though Jesus did why why why did i go through my life because the only lessons i have learned up to now is love stinks, fend for yourself, friends are not friends,and where was god/Jesus when i cried begged and needed him where is he now that i am sick and where is he as these tears hit this computer keyboard and my back is aching and my heart is breaking this was probably a easier part of my life ..Oh i forgot how my mother would drop me off at the babysitter i was younger then 7 don't remember my age but remember the sick b---d tongue...i hate these people so how can i forgive them..??????????? i am a bad person.......
God does love you and forgives quickly and completely. I love you to and I'm praying for you.