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I have gone back over day four and five over and over. I am having a very hard time getting in touch with my true self, emotions and feelings. My problem is ME, MISTRUST, ANGER, HATRED, & UNFORGIVENESS AGAINST MYSELF. I do not blame anyone else for the choices I have made that have brought me emotional, mental, or spiritual pain. I do not feel deserving of a good life because of all the ways I have hurt God and others.

From the time I was very young I have been tossed from place to place and home to home. I think this is where the root of my problem lies... The mistrust I have developed or that is rooted so deeply has caused me much pain throughout the years... and continues to do so. It has lead me to believe that I AM THE ONLY ONE I CAN TRUST... This has been my truth for a very long time, until these last few years the truth has changed... I can trust NO ONE INCLUDING MYSELF. And how can I trust God to take care of me when I have ignored him and not followed him... I always fall more than short of His ways.

When I think of all the selfish and shameful ways I have tried to care for myself and where I have lead myself because of my selfishness... I feel deserving of anything bad that happens to me... I have lied, cheated and stole... I have used people to get my needs met, I have used subtances to numb the needs... and the list goes on and on... Every commandment I have broken to get my needs met.

In an earlier post I had written that I had married because I felt I couldn't take care of myself and I didn't trust God to take care of me... This man professed his love and desire to be with me and take care of me the rest of my life... I married to get my needs met... how ironic, I am practically homeless and more indebted to the IRS than I have ever been... got exactly what I deserved. And how selfish of me to marry this man for this reason. He deserves so much more than me.

Dear Lord, I am sorry for all my unbelief, please heal of my unbelief in you. And help me to stay out of the way because I just make things worse... I do not know how to take care of myself... love myself or others... I am not asking you to get me out of this only give me the strength and trust to go through it. I am sorry for all the harm and horrible things I have done to get my needs met. Please assure me of your forgiveness and recompense anyone that I have hurt along the way. I am mess, I am afraid of everything. Please forgive me for all the ways I have hurt your heart, ignored your wisdom and not trusted you enough to love and care for me. Please forgive me for the life I have wasted. And Dearest Jesus please help me to get up and follow you, yours ways, one step and one day at a time. When I come to the end of this life, I want to be able to face you... and I want to be able to hear "WELL DONE, GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT"... not depart from me I never knew you... because deep down this is my fear. Remove from me the fear that is so deeply rooted that keeps me from trusting in your care, love, provision and forgiveness. I have exhausted all my avenues... Lord, you have proven yourself faithful over and over throughout the years... and still I struggled to trust.... I am so sorry, please help me and please forgive me. Help me Lord to get my eyes off my selfish self and on you. Show me how to love and forgive myself for all the harm I have done.... the sins I have committed... God the problem is not you or others it is me.

And He hears your prayer and smiles...you know sis...that's what is so very awesome about God...He can take us...the mess we are and all that we have created...and turn it into something beautiful and wonderful just for His glory. So now you know where you have been...but that isn't where God wants you to stay...He wants you to now lay the past down and start fresh and new...letting Him mold you into what He would have you to be....that includes forgiving yourself and letting go of the blame...He will do more for you...if you will allow Him to do so...but He can only work if you accept His work. He has a beautiful masterpiece in mind for your life...won't you let Him create it?

Praying for you.

luv ya

heya rosebud1360..

sis...welcome to the club! welcome to human nature. We are all born selfish...and over time, the world and life makes us moreso that way. Its time, though, as you are doing, to lay that all down at the feet of Jesus, knowing His grace is sufficient and His blood is enough to cover everything you have done.

Sis, the thing is, God knew you before you were born. He knew the decisions you were gonna make...and He still sees you the way He created you to be..through the eyes of Jesus...and the love shown on the cross. It is truly all about Him and what He has done..and His love and mercy toward us. We cant earn it and we dont deserve it..but He counts us worthy of it.

Keep goin sis. You arent alone in this.

love in Jesus,
momo

Hi rosebud..We are all selfish creatures aren't we.
I have good news for you tho....HE STILL LOVES YOU!
Regardles of what we do or how we are....our Father loves us unconditionally. He forgives us and yet He loves us.
You are doing a good job. Keep pressing through!

Rosebud!

What an amazing post! Thank you for sharing and allowing me to be apart of seeing one of Gods children repent and seek Him. I cried and I smiled. I am certain God just adores you and your sincere heart.

Amen to what others have shared. We are all selfish creatures and need His grace.

Proud to call you sis.

Keep on.