Sorry! I'm Late
Posted: Thu May 06, 2010 9:56 pm
Somewhat embarrassed, It is now Thursday evening a far cry from Monday. Well, here it goes. I hope it's not to long I did try to keep it short.
April 30th 2010 STUPID, STUPID STUUUUPPPIDDDDD STUFFFFFFFFF
Well, I should have started this yesterday, but I wasn't able too. Where do I start? Everything gets so jumbled up in my brain. Yesterday was a very bad day. I found myself crying a lot. It started in the morning when my husband called me from his bedroom (by phone) to my bedroom which is right across the hall. We have separate rooms because of health issues. So he calls me this morning because he was very very tired. Our sleep habits are very different than most. Usually we go to bed around 2am and wake up around 10am. He is a limo-driver and I'm an unemployed graphic artist. We are both Born-Again Christians, have been for many, many years with no or very little fruit to show for it, all the way around. No ministry, No kids, No closeness with his relatives, my relatives are overseas except my mom. I am an only child, came here when I was 4. OH, we go to church but we don't fellowship with anyone except on the surface. I have never had the luxury to let my hair down so to speak with anyone except one friend many years ago-That story is a book in it's self. Needless to say we are no longer friends. Another problem is that my husband complains about the church we attend-That's another chapter.
So back to the phone call. It's about 10:10am and he asks me to make coffee and breakfast oatmeal. Oatmeal is not my forte so I have to read the instructions. (In all fairness I need to mention that usually he makes breakfast he makes a great once over easy egg. And that's wonderful, and I appreciate it, especially when we were first married he wouldn't even make me a cup of tea if I was sick-those days would be another book also. Anyway he's come a long way by the grace of God.) So, anyway, I've got the coffee going and wanting to start the oatmeal and he's talking to me and I'm NOT looking at him as I'm trying to figure out the best way to get the show on the road which also includes making his lunch. So, he gets so upset because I'm not looking at him as he's talking and he starts complaining and mocking me turning his head in all different directions to let me know that he doesn't appreciate the fact that I am not looking at him as he is talking to me. Then he complains that I should have the breakfast done already. I said I had to make the coffee first, by this time I am stirring the oatmeal so it won't stick to the bottom. I was kinda tired also, but I was trying to do my best, and get lunch done for him so that he could take it with him on the road.
So he takes a shower comes back into the kitchen does some kidding around (I guess he felt bad about his nagging). I finish up a few other things. He goes down the stairs and asks If he had left a bag upstairs (something he had to return). I looked and said yes and preceded to get it for him and handed it to him. I never saw that he didn't take his lunch with him.
About 45 minutes later he calls up and tells me that he's coming back for his lunch and that it was my fault that he forgot it and that he always has to try to cheer me up and placate me, and he's yelling up a storm. I'm thinking to myself, my Lord, can't he just be grateful that he was ABLE to come back home and pick up his lunch, usually that is not the case. Maybe he was angry at himself but I get the brunt it's always my fault I'm tired of it I really am. My entire day was ruined, I am a basket case of raw emotions.
I used to get extremely upset about the fact that we don't have children (had 2 miscarriages early on). But now I find some relief because I know where they are. I also know that if I had children I would probably be divorced from my husband. The last thing that I could ever have happen is bringing innocent children into the world and making them turn out like basket cases. I know that there would be no-way this side of heaven that I would have been able to deal with children and them getting the brunt of two parents that fight all the time and can't get along. I would probably take their side more than I should. You see, like I said earlier, I grew up as an only child, came to this country at the age of four. No grandparents, no aunts and uncles, no cousins, just my mother and father. Being an only child might sound like heaven on earth for most people well it wasn't. I was picked on and bullied at school and my father who had his own closet of hangups was very overbearing and he could do no wrong, I mean NO wrong and my mother supported him at all cost. (I want to add, there was no physical abuse, but consent verbal abuse.) I used to be very upset as a child because I didn't have brothers and sisters, but now I now that If I had, my father probably would have played favorites and it would not have been me. I don't think I could have taken that on top of everything else It was sooooo sooooooo lonely.
Well anyway, back to today's events, or should I say Friday's events. I called my mother a few times and cried the blues to her (my father has gone on to be with the Lord now for 10 years). Around 9:30 pm my husband calls and asks me if I want him to bring me home some pizza. I asked him what about the sandwich I made for you? Didn't you want it? No, he said. I was ready to scream my ever-lovin-head off. But I didn't, thank God, He gave me the ability to just calmly say, No Thank You, enjoy your pizza. What was this all about????????????????????????????? Really what was that all about?????????????????????????????????????
By now it is no way near April 30th but it is May 6th and I haven't even entered this into the journal like I am supposed to. I've been sick all week with a low grade fever and my lower intestines didn't feel right either. I think it was because of all this stupid stuff that goes on and how it tries to tare me down physically.
Since, then things have mellowed out but it's like bracing myself for the next time. I'm really tired of all this, tired of getting the brunt of everything that goes wrong, tired of having no purpose or money, tired of being sick and I feel so old.
I felt impressed from the Holy Spirit to put up a sign (which I did by the way) It says STOP Blaming her when things go wrong. I took the blame for her. (signed) -Jesus- So far it seems to be helping. I just put up another sign tonight which says She is Trying to Explain and Communicate Something to You AND NOT condemning you or putting you down. She just gets excited like people do at times. She Loves You and You're the Best, You're her Hubby. You're her Best Friend Next to Me. (signed) -Jesus- Let's see what that will do. Hopefully it will help us communicate.
I am very thankful for this site. I really do not have any Christian friends that I can go to. From past experience people you know usually don't want to hear it anyway, even Pastors. In a way I can't blame them, we all have a lot of stuff. I'm just glad I can come here and open up.
From this
to 
Thank You All!
