Day 6--I'm unloading
Posted: Fri Dec 11, 2009 12:04 pmI always fall for the stupid ones. The bad ones. The mean ones. The ones who seem really smart when you first get to know them, but after spending a little time you quickly discover that green jello has a higher IQ than he does. The ones who seem really rebellious and strong on the outside but inside they cry like little girls.
I'm sorry if this offends any of you, but there are men like that out there. In plenty. I've been hurt by men like that. One in particular. I think maybe he's where the problem started. After he did what he did--broke my heart and laughed about it, like 5 years were all a big joke--I started to disconnect. I lost the friends I had. I lost my goals. I lost my pride and my hope. I lost everything. Even my faith. If you had asked me about my faith at the time I would have emphatically affirmed it. But I was all about appearances then. I guess I still am--as long as everyone thinks everything is ok, then everything is ok, right?
I've always been really good at hiding inside of myself. It's like I have a secret, inner shell inside myself that I can withdraw into when things get too hard. Over the past 2 years I've spent a lot of time there. And worse, I justified it. I thought that if people really wanted to see me--to know me, they would look. But no one ever did. Because no one ever did I started to think I was unworthy of knowing. I started to hate myself worse than I did before because I had nothing. I had no friends. No future. A past that I couldn't remember and a present that I didn't care to think of. I had a mom who thought she understood but didn't and a God who said He loved me and then walked away. Just like the above mentioned man did. But I think maybe the reason people didn't look, and didn't know me, wasn't because they didn't want to. It was because I wouldn't let them. I was convinced that if anyone saw me as I was/am, they would walk away laughing. Just like he did. I wasn't going to let that happen again. So I hid. Like a little girl afraid of the monsters under the bed.
Being wheelchair bound doesn't make this any easier. I know that it takes really special, special people to look at me and not see the wheels. I want to be looked at seen. Not looked at and viewed. My entire life I've thought this was impossible (yes, I've been in a wheelchair my entire life. Ask some time. I might tell you about it). I've always thought that when people look at me the first and only thing they see is the wheelchair. That might still be true in some cases. I mean people are the way they are, and only God can change that. But maybe it isn't true all the time. Maybe there are people who when they look at me they see me, not my mode of movement. Maybe it is possible. But there's a trick to this. In order for you to see me, I have to be willing to show you me. That means I can't hide inside of myself anymore. I haven't the first idea how to go about this. I've been hiding for so long, I don't know how not to anymore. I think maybe if I keep posting like this, being open and transparent, you'll see me for who I am. Not how I am.
I'm sorry if this offends any of you, but there are men like that out there. In plenty. I've been hurt by men like that. One in particular. I think maybe he's where the problem started. After he did what he did--broke my heart and laughed about it, like 5 years were all a big joke--I started to disconnect. I lost the friends I had. I lost my goals. I lost my pride and my hope. I lost everything. Even my faith. If you had asked me about my faith at the time I would have emphatically affirmed it. But I was all about appearances then. I guess I still am--as long as everyone thinks everything is ok, then everything is ok, right?
I've always been really good at hiding inside of myself. It's like I have a secret, inner shell inside myself that I can withdraw into when things get too hard. Over the past 2 years I've spent a lot of time there. And worse, I justified it. I thought that if people really wanted to see me--to know me, they would look. But no one ever did. Because no one ever did I started to think I was unworthy of knowing. I started to hate myself worse than I did before because I had nothing. I had no friends. No future. A past that I couldn't remember and a present that I didn't care to think of. I had a mom who thought she understood but didn't and a God who said He loved me and then walked away. Just like the above mentioned man did. But I think maybe the reason people didn't look, and didn't know me, wasn't because they didn't want to. It was because I wouldn't let them. I was convinced that if anyone saw me as I was/am, they would walk away laughing. Just like he did. I wasn't going to let that happen again. So I hid. Like a little girl afraid of the monsters under the bed.
Being wheelchair bound doesn't make this any easier. I know that it takes really special, special people to look at me and not see the wheels. I want to be looked at seen. Not looked at and viewed. My entire life I've thought this was impossible (yes, I've been in a wheelchair my entire life. Ask some time. I might tell you about it). I've always thought that when people look at me the first and only thing they see is the wheelchair. That might still be true in some cases. I mean people are the way they are, and only God can change that. But maybe it isn't true all the time. Maybe there are people who when they look at me they see me, not my mode of movement. Maybe it is possible. But there's a trick to this. In order for you to see me, I have to be willing to show you me. That means I can't hide inside of myself anymore. I haven't the first idea how to go about this. I've been hiding for so long, I don't know how not to anymore. I think maybe if I keep posting like this, being open and transparent, you'll see me for who I am. Not how I am.
