Day 1 I'm Tired of the Past!
Posted: Sun Dec 06, 2009 9:51 pm
Sunday December 09, 2009,
Well to be honest I am just continually being confronted with so many things from my past. I didn't realize that I was soooo broken or that my past was so jacked up. I spent a lot of time pretending like everything was ok. But it wasn't. Basically I have been dealing with the fact that I was molested for a good portion of my life. I was exposed to pornography one summer while visiting my faher when I was 12 and began reading it and engaging in masturbation. I have masturbated on and off for most of my life. I am also confronted with the reality that I grew up in a domestically violent home. My youngest sister's father and my mother's subsequent boyfriends abused her physically. I had the pleasure of growing up watching this. I'm very hurt in my heart by all these things. I've also been confronted with the fact that I am very angry at my father. Very angry!!!! He abandoned me. He abandoned me. I pretended for years that I didn't care. I pretended that he didn't exist. It wasn't until this year that I realized I am angry at him. I forgive him and love him but I am angry at him for leaving me and my sister. For not caring. For choosing drugs over us.
For leaving me to be abused, molested and grow up around drugs and violence. In addition I am still struggling with masturbation and I don't know why I hate it!!! Hate it!!! I don't do it often maybe only three times this year but I don't want to do it at all!!! I want to be pure before God. I've never had a chance to talk to anyone about all the abuse I've experienced as a child. Sexually and mentally. I used to really hate myself before I got saved to the point where I couldn't look in the mirror. I think I am getting better with myself image but I am still disatisfied with my body. Just recently in class some guy told me he hopes that I eat on Thanksgiving because I need to gain weight. I didn't think it would bother me but it did.......for a whole week. I felt so bad because I do eat I can' helpt it that I am naturally very thin. (I know that is a stupid thing to get upset overy) I realize that I can't do this on my own! I need help. I want to go to a psychologist but I can't afford one on my own and I don't want to go to the one at school Because I don't want to have to see the person every year and know that when they look at me they see my secrets. I'm so ashamed of my life. It really was a mess. It is getting better but my past keeps coming up and hurting so bad but I know I can't ignore it like I've always done. I have to face it and move on. I'm 30 and I have been saved for nearly 12 years and you would think after all this time I would be better and over it. I am finding even here in school that there are many wounds that have not healed and some that healed wrong and some that were never acknowledged. Any feedback you may have is greatly appreciated. I just want to be free!
Thank you all out there who read and pray or respond. God Bless You!
Well to be honest I am just continually being confronted with so many things from my past. I didn't realize that I was soooo broken or that my past was so jacked up. I spent a lot of time pretending like everything was ok. But it wasn't. Basically I have been dealing with the fact that I was molested for a good portion of my life. I was exposed to pornography one summer while visiting my faher when I was 12 and began reading it and engaging in masturbation. I have masturbated on and off for most of my life. I am also confronted with the reality that I grew up in a domestically violent home. My youngest sister's father and my mother's subsequent boyfriends abused her physically. I had the pleasure of growing up watching this. I'm very hurt in my heart by all these things. I've also been confronted with the fact that I am very angry at my father. Very angry!!!! He abandoned me. He abandoned me. I pretended for years that I didn't care. I pretended that he didn't exist. It wasn't until this year that I realized I am angry at him. I forgive him and love him but I am angry at him for leaving me and my sister. For not caring. For choosing drugs over us.
For leaving me to be abused, molested and grow up around drugs and violence. In addition I am still struggling with masturbation and I don't know why I hate it!!! Hate it!!! I don't do it often maybe only three times this year but I don't want to do it at all!!! I want to be pure before God. I've never had a chance to talk to anyone about all the abuse I've experienced as a child. Sexually and mentally. I used to really hate myself before I got saved to the point where I couldn't look in the mirror. I think I am getting better with myself image but I am still disatisfied with my body. Just recently in class some guy told me he hopes that I eat on Thanksgiving because I need to gain weight. I didn't think it would bother me but it did.......for a whole week. I felt so bad because I do eat I can' helpt it that I am naturally very thin. (I know that is a stupid thing to get upset overy) I realize that I can't do this on my own! I need help. I want to go to a psychologist but I can't afford one on my own and I don't want to go to the one at school Because I don't want to have to see the person every year and know that when they look at me they see my secrets. I'm so ashamed of my life. It really was a mess. It is getting better but my past keeps coming up and hurting so bad but I know I can't ignore it like I've always done. I have to face it and move on. I'm 30 and I have been saved for nearly 12 years and you would think after all this time I would be better and over it. I am finding even here in school that there are many wounds that have not healed and some that healed wrong and some that were never acknowledged. Any feedback you may have is greatly appreciated. I just want to be free!
Thank you all out there who read and pray or respond. God Bless You!