Back to the drawing board
Posted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 6:47 pmBack to square 1 , back to basics , all kindsa titles going thru my head , which kinda shows me where I am mentally today , worried more about the title than the reason I'm back here . OK , so here ! putting my pride in my pocket so I wont see it and stop going about it in a round about way . Need help ... again ! 
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Actually I'm taking a dose of my own advice i gave one of my sponsees , Idont even know where that thought came from (never underestimate the power of prayer ? maybe ? hmm ! ) .
During a "warm"-er conversation , ok so was a heated one ok ? with a friend here whose name no need be mentioned
, with a firm belief that the whole convo was Spirit guided (He guides even the "heated" ones ) for I know we both pray for guidance from the same Spirit (was that a genius thought or what ? how many Spirits are there vahn ?) , ok , anyway .. I ended up blurting out an acknowledgement of a deep seated , deep seated issue that had eluded me in my previous inventories of my self , and it kinda caught me or both of us off guard ! ( dont you just love it when a pain in a butt helps bring out a truth from you ? ) , although I still couldn't figure out what it was , I went back to my 12th step prog inventory and it spelled nothing but big lettered confusion , and I went oh oh , this is not good !
3 or 4 years i my sobriety thru the prog of AA , after a speaking commitment , this gentleman , in his sixties (in his 70's now) approached me and said , "sir, you said something tonight that I never thought I needed to hear and if I did I didnt think it applied to me ! " and in the back of my 3 year old mind I'm going "wee gota a weeenerrr " I said , sir , first of all , I'm not a sir I'm in my forties ok ? second , I just signed your ten year anniversary card last week , saying " I hope I'll never catch up ! " he said "yep , that's why when I heard you were speaking at this meeting , I had to attend , have time for coffee ? " Clearing my throat I went "me ? , I got a sponsor !!" he said "that's what I want to talk about " by now I'm struggling to pop my hat off my head " do have time to work with me on this ? " now I got a boa constrictor on my head and it's getting tighter by the second . I said " what's up bud ? " he said "vahn , you're free , I see freedom when I hear you , you dont care what ppl think of you or what they have say about your reliance and dependence on God , you always stand your ground on that and nothing fazes you , I want you help me get that " , all of a sudden the constrictor's gone , the head started shrinking to the point that when I started speaking my voice was squeaking , I said " Dave , I have heard you before , and I have also heard your sponsees speak , how can you not know that its the steps that will help you establish that kind of relationship with our Lord , not me , not your sponsor ! for that matter , no human power can help you achieve that ! " He said "coffee ? " My knees started to buckle from under me , cleared my throat , " what are you doing Sat, ? " he said "tonight ?" .
Sooo, 3 Am found us both in my kitchen , on our knees . This man turned his life and will to the care of God that he never knew . Oh , he knew about God , he knew about the Bible in fact he knew more than I ever did , he knew the steps , the Big Book , and how to guid others thru them to their freedom from bondage of self , but , he had never worked the steps ON himself !! When he told me that ( now remember I was only 3) when he first tried it it didnt work , nothing changed , and so he gave up on the idea and just stuck to helping others , but freedom , he never got , until that night .
From our lengthy conversation that night the truth came out that he had never taken the first step ! admission of complete defeat ! he had just jumped to the acknowledgment of God , and had used Him as if He owed him something .
All this came rushing thru my head in the coarse of give n take with a pain in the neck that happened to be a true friend .
Confusion ! Once again ! I am now admitting that I am confused again , and knowing that God is no Author of confusion , so , if it aint God , its the enemy , end of subject !
Although there are other people involved in this (just like God uses others to get thru us , so does the enemy) but nevertheless he's here and reeking havoc big time . The only way I can do battle with this *piece a s....* is on the Spiritual Front and not on the mental or intellectual ground , and try to find out where he is , I start with looking at me first .
So , if it be God's will , I will hopefully post Day 1 tomorrow !
Please pray for me ?
.
Actually I'm taking a dose of my own advice i gave one of my sponsees , Idont even know where that thought came from (never underestimate the power of prayer ? maybe ? hmm ! ) .
During a "warm"-er conversation , ok so was a heated one ok ? with a friend here whose name no need be mentioned
, with a firm belief that the whole convo was Spirit guided (He guides even the "heated" ones ) for I know we both pray for guidance from the same Spirit (was that a genius thought or what ? how many Spirits are there vahn ?) , ok , anyway .. I ended up blurting out an acknowledgement of a deep seated , deep seated issue that had eluded me in my previous inventories of my self , and it kinda caught me or both of us off guard ! ( dont you just love it when a pain in a butt helps bring out a truth from you ? ) , although I still couldn't figure out what it was , I went back to my 12th step prog inventory and it spelled nothing but big lettered confusion , and I went oh oh , this is not good !
3 or 4 years i my sobriety thru the prog of AA , after a speaking commitment , this gentleman , in his sixties (in his 70's now) approached me and said , "sir, you said something tonight that I never thought I needed to hear and if I did I didnt think it applied to me ! " and in the back of my 3 year old mind I'm going "wee gota a weeenerrr " I said , sir , first of all , I'm not a sir I'm in my forties ok ? second , I just signed your ten year anniversary card last week , saying " I hope I'll never catch up ! " he said "yep , that's why when I heard you were speaking at this meeting , I had to attend , have time for coffee ? " Clearing my throat I went "me ? , I got a sponsor !!" he said "that's what I want to talk about " by now I'm struggling to pop my hat off my head " do have time to work with me on this ? " now I got a boa constrictor on my head and it's getting tighter by the second . I said " what's up bud ? " he said "vahn , you're free , I see freedom when I hear you , you dont care what ppl think of you or what they have say about your reliance and dependence on God , you always stand your ground on that and nothing fazes you , I want you help me get that " , all of a sudden the constrictor's gone , the head started shrinking to the point that when I started speaking my voice was squeaking , I said " Dave , I have heard you before , and I have also heard your sponsees speak , how can you not know that its the steps that will help you establish that kind of relationship with our Lord , not me , not your sponsor ! for that matter , no human power can help you achieve that ! " He said "coffee ? " My knees started to buckle from under me , cleared my throat , " what are you doing Sat, ? " he said "tonight ?" .
Sooo, 3 Am found us both in my kitchen , on our knees . This man turned his life and will to the care of God that he never knew . Oh , he knew about God , he knew about the Bible in fact he knew more than I ever did , he knew the steps , the Big Book , and how to guid others thru them to their freedom from bondage of self , but , he had never worked the steps ON himself !! When he told me that ( now remember I was only 3) when he first tried it it didnt work , nothing changed , and so he gave up on the idea and just stuck to helping others , but freedom , he never got , until that night .
From our lengthy conversation that night the truth came out that he had never taken the first step ! admission of complete defeat ! he had just jumped to the acknowledgment of God , and had used Him as if He owed him something .
All this came rushing thru my head in the coarse of give n take with a pain in the neck that happened to be a true friend .
Confusion ! Once again ! I am now admitting that I am confused again , and knowing that God is no Author of confusion , so , if it aint God , its the enemy , end of subject !
Although there are other people involved in this (just like God uses others to get thru us , so does the enemy) but nevertheless he's here and reeking havoc big time . The only way I can do battle with this *piece a s....* is on the Spiritual Front and not on the mental or intellectual ground , and try to find out where he is , I start with looking at me first .
So , if it be God's will , I will hopefully post Day 1 tomorrow !
Please pray for me ?
GB Love ya 