Day 1
Posted: Mon Aug 24, 2009 2:07 amI've never done anything like this before, so I'm not sure how this works. I guess I am supposed to write things down for this first step. So here goes...
I was raised in a Catholic home, so I've always known about the existence of God. I started losing interest in church when I was about 13...just about the time I started my journey as a wild child. I officially quit attending Mass when I got pregnant and married at the age of 17. After that, my life became a mess. My first husband was 15 years older than me and very abusive. He beat me a lot and got me into some deviant sexual practices. Nothing real bad, but just made me watch porn and participate in threesomes. Now that I think back, it was pretty icky. Unfortunately, those first sojourns into the sexual arena have tainted my ideas and feelings about sex ever since.
About five years ago, I became saved (I think). At the time, I was living in sin with a man for the past year and a half. We didn't get along well, and to be honest, I was just using him for his house, car, money, etc. Well, shortly after my salvation experience, I became convicted of the wrongness of my living situation. At the time, I didn't know it was called "conviction", but I sure felt it! It was like my gut was in knots constantly, and for two weeks I just felt horrible inside for what I was doing. The feeling was constant and never let up. What was surprising to me was that I didn't feel badly about sex or living with this guy, but I felt really badly about using him. It was my own sin in the matter that was wrong. It is a horrible thing to use someone for material things in exchange for sex, when you don't even care about the person. This was what God was convicting me about.
So, one day, we got into a huge fight, and that gave me the push and the out I needed to leave. I think I moved out the very next day, and I made a promise to God, and to myself, that I would never have sex again unless it was in the confines of marriage. God took my promise to heart, and He has helped me to stay celibate for all these years. But, although I haven't had sex in all this time, my warped sexuality is still an issue for me at times. My way of thinking about it is wrong and perverted. And there is something else that has to do with this, but I am just too ashamed and embarrassed to speak it outloud...even here in this forum. I do want to say however, that overall I am dealing well with celibacy. I only think about men or sex a few times a month; and I can usually dismiss the thoughts easily. But sometimes I can't, and that is where I need help.
There are two other issues that bother me spiritually. The first one is that I am a smoker. I have smoked cigarettes for the past 30 years now, and it is such an ingrained habit, that I can't imagine life without them. Honestly, I don't even want to quit, so I don't know if this program will help in this area.
The second thing is simply my poor relationship with God. I don't pray often, don't read my Bible regularly, and I don't attend church. I don't think my lifestyle completely reflects to others that I am a Christian. My "light" definitely doesn't shine, and has become very dim in fact.
It wasn't always like this. I have went through periods my entire life, where I would become very close to God, doing all of the things I mentioned above, and those times were very good ones for me. In the past, God has touched my life in some very profound and real ways...ways that I cannot doubt that they were from God. Even before I was "saved", God gave me some unique experiences, and has definitely saved my life in some dangerous situations. But always, I would fall away and come back...like a yo-yo.
But, for the past three years, I haven't attended church hardly at all; I don't have a church to call "home". I don't pray on a regular basis...my prayers are sporadic...and yet it seems like God is always on my mind. I think my failure to live up to His standards bothers me a lot, but at the same time I am totally complacent. I know that doing these things are important, but I guess I just don't care about them enough to do them. If I am to be honest, I am ashamed to admit that I don't put God first in my life. I always think that He is mad at me for this, and I wonder sometimes if He even hears my prayers when I do pray. I know He does sometimes, because He has answered them. Having a real relationship with Jesus is just hard for me. I can't see Him or hear Him, or feel Him. Sometimes it feels like I'm just talking to air.
I would like to state a few facts about myself that might help me and others to figure out why I am the way that I am...
Whew! This was really long and I apologize to anyone reading it. But I feel that I have successfully and honestly completed my first step in the program.
I was raised in a Catholic home, so I've always known about the existence of God. I started losing interest in church when I was about 13...just about the time I started my journey as a wild child. I officially quit attending Mass when I got pregnant and married at the age of 17. After that, my life became a mess. My first husband was 15 years older than me and very abusive. He beat me a lot and got me into some deviant sexual practices. Nothing real bad, but just made me watch porn and participate in threesomes. Now that I think back, it was pretty icky. Unfortunately, those first sojourns into the sexual arena have tainted my ideas and feelings about sex ever since.
About five years ago, I became saved (I think). At the time, I was living in sin with a man for the past year and a half. We didn't get along well, and to be honest, I was just using him for his house, car, money, etc. Well, shortly after my salvation experience, I became convicted of the wrongness of my living situation. At the time, I didn't know it was called "conviction", but I sure felt it! It was like my gut was in knots constantly, and for two weeks I just felt horrible inside for what I was doing. The feeling was constant and never let up. What was surprising to me was that I didn't feel badly about sex or living with this guy, but I felt really badly about using him. It was my own sin in the matter that was wrong. It is a horrible thing to use someone for material things in exchange for sex, when you don't even care about the person. This was what God was convicting me about.
So, one day, we got into a huge fight, and that gave me the push and the out I needed to leave. I think I moved out the very next day, and I made a promise to God, and to myself, that I would never have sex again unless it was in the confines of marriage. God took my promise to heart, and He has helped me to stay celibate for all these years. But, although I haven't had sex in all this time, my warped sexuality is still an issue for me at times. My way of thinking about it is wrong and perverted. And there is something else that has to do with this, but I am just too ashamed and embarrassed to speak it outloud...even here in this forum. I do want to say however, that overall I am dealing well with celibacy. I only think about men or sex a few times a month; and I can usually dismiss the thoughts easily. But sometimes I can't, and that is where I need help.
There are two other issues that bother me spiritually. The first one is that I am a smoker. I have smoked cigarettes for the past 30 years now, and it is such an ingrained habit, that I can't imagine life without them. Honestly, I don't even want to quit, so I don't know if this program will help in this area.
The second thing is simply my poor relationship with God. I don't pray often, don't read my Bible regularly, and I don't attend church. I don't think my lifestyle completely reflects to others that I am a Christian. My "light" definitely doesn't shine, and has become very dim in fact.
It wasn't always like this. I have went through periods my entire life, where I would become very close to God, doing all of the things I mentioned above, and those times were very good ones for me. In the past, God has touched my life in some very profound and real ways...ways that I cannot doubt that they were from God. Even before I was "saved", God gave me some unique experiences, and has definitely saved my life in some dangerous situations. But always, I would fall away and come back...like a yo-yo.
But, for the past three years, I haven't attended church hardly at all; I don't have a church to call "home". I don't pray on a regular basis...my prayers are sporadic...and yet it seems like God is always on my mind. I think my failure to live up to His standards bothers me a lot, but at the same time I am totally complacent. I know that doing these things are important, but I guess I just don't care about them enough to do them. If I am to be honest, I am ashamed to admit that I don't put God first in my life. I always think that He is mad at me for this, and I wonder sometimes if He even hears my prayers when I do pray. I know He does sometimes, because He has answered them. Having a real relationship with Jesus is just hard for me. I can't see Him or hear Him, or feel Him. Sometimes it feels like I'm just talking to air.
I would like to state a few facts about myself that might help me and others to figure out why I am the way that I am...
- Adopted at 3 mos. old -- very different in nature to my adoptive parents
- Didn't receive many expressions of affection and love while growing up...I lived in a more strict household with high expectations.
- Partied, drank heavily, used drugs, was promiscous from the age of 13 until I was 38...at which time I abruptly stopped drinking and partying. I only smoke cigarettes now and use drugs as prescribed by my doctor. I have been clean and sober for five years or more now, and feel no desire whatsoever to have a drink. This is one thing that God has completely delivered me from...praise Him.
- Switching from Catholicism to just plain Christian was very difficult. It took many weeks of pushing/arguing from my Christian mentors before I was convinced to pray the salvation prayer and accept Jesus into my heart. (After all, I thought He was already there!)
- I had a more open and wonderful relationship with Jesus before I was saved than after. Now, I feel condemned...that everything I do is a sin. There are so many rules and doctrines...how can I ever follow them all??
- Being online and only participating in Christian social sites is my only form of fellowship, and is where I learn the things I should be learning from the Bible and from church. I am isolated in my home and have no "real-life" friends. But I am very thankful for the friends I do have online! They keep me hanging on.
Whew! This was really long and I apologize to anyone reading it. But I feel that I have successfully and honestly completed my first step in the program.
No one here will judge you for anything you've done. It's a safe place to get it out. We've all be through stuff, we've all made our errors and we all still stumble.
First, Welcome to Oasis! So awesome to have you join us sister. 
Lani