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Day 1

This my Journal as I go once again through the 14 step counseling program here at the oasis. In this Journal you will find the ridiculous tales of a foolish man that has caused pain on some people that I love very much. Things that I have done or said or things I didn't say or do. Either way I have hurt some people and that I regret and always will. I have thought if only I could turn back time and undo the damage that I have done, but I know that isn't possible. I know I must get back to the point to where I counseled God before making decisions instead of relying on my own thought and understanding. Also in this Journal you will find that not even "dubya" is perfect. Underneath the outer shell of a man is a very foolish man, a man that made some bad decisions and caused some severe damage. I can only hope that God can find the mercy in his heart to heal the damage that I have caused. During the rampage of foolishness I hurt someone that I Love so very much, even though I would have never intentionally hurt them the fact remains I did. The one I hurt is one of the most beautiful people I have ever known. Honest sincere, loving, and has more heart than anyone can imagine and filled with passion. This person deserves so much more than I could ever give and most certainly deserves better than what she has received. I am truly blessed that she is still standing by my side, and I thank God he brought us together. This person of whom I speak is my Lovely wife...Tres. I am truly sorry for the pain I have caused, it is my most sincere prayer that God can find the mercy in his heart to forgive me and to heal the damage I have caused and that I can become the father and husband that I should be so that I can spread love throughout my family and not pain.

Welcome to the counseling steps pw So you've hits some bumps in the road huh? Well it happens to the best of us my friend. None of us are perfect, and God knows this...that's why He gave us Jesus...the one who truly understands our trials...the one who died so that when we mess up....He can pick us up and forgive us and put us back on the right path.

Now, you've done something that has hurt some that you love...including your Tres....I would hope that you have gone to Tres and told her how very sorry you are, and asked her for her forgiveness. I also see that you have asked the Lord to forgive you...and I want you to know He has...it has been put away pw...and now my friend it's time for you to put it away as well....forgive your own self. If you don't, everytime you pick it up again, you are recrucifying Jesus. I know this from an experience recently. I did something I wasn't so proud of, and I went to Jesus and repented, and asked for His forgivenes. Then later that morning, I caught myself picking it up again, and feeling bad all over again...I heard Jesus say to me...why are you recrucifying me? Don't you know I forgave you the first time you asked? Then why are you feeling guilty all over again, cuz I've removed this fall from you...now get up and put it behind you. PW my friend, you have to do the same.

It's great to see you seeking God's presence through the counseling steps. As you know there is healing in these steps.

Praying for you, tres and your family.

luv ya

Thank you Mlg for those words of encouragement, your prayers and words of wisdom are very welcomed.

I Thank God for such awesome friends and family

Oh pw my dear brother.

No matter what you have done the blood is there to was the sin far away.

You are on your way back bro. And that's what counts.
Getting help and admitting your problem shows you see there is work that needs to be done and are a willing vessle to allow God to work in you. That's a huge step!

There is hope in Jesus that no matter the problem it can be resolved. I am thankful you didn't keep this hidden but brought it out so it can have some light shined on it. Drag it out of the dark and get it into the SONshine.

You and your family are always in my prayers.
I love ya all dearly.

Hi PrayerWarrior,

You have been through difficult times brother.

Awesome that He gave you the courage to share this. Keeping it inside would do nothing but eat at your soul. I saw that you confessed and asked forgiveness from the Lord. He is truly amazing and has forgiven you. Now, it is your turn to forgive yourself. Continuing to carry such a heavy burden after you released it to Him is like opening an umbrella after the rain stops....

You and your family are in my prayers. Thanks for reaching out!

God Bless and Keep you always,

Lani

Day 2

Well today I went somewhere that I haven't been in a while.....The Garden of my mind. I have to admit that things have gotten out of control. I actually pictured it in my mind a little garden with a little white picked fence around it.

The gate to my garden was off one of the hinges, making it difficult to even get in my garden. Its all so grown up that I am at a loss as to where to start. So I guess the best thing would be to just pic a spot and get going. Some of the things I see is jealously, selfishness way too much pride. Over in the next row my understanding has withered up and is fading away, I am thinking a cut worm maybe. Wow I have a lot of work ahead of me.

As I picture all of this in my mind, my heart weeps to see all of the damage that has been done.

Mighty God give me strength to endure this task that lies before me....IJNA

pw, I want to suggest that you sit down and make a list of all the weeds you need to pull from your mind. Then I want you to go back over that list and start with the weed that most desperately needs pulling. If you stand back and look at the entire garden at once, you are going to feel so very overwhelmed. But if you look at one piece at a time, starting with the one weed that needs your immediate attention, and then the next most important, and then the next, the weeds will come up. One more thing pw...make sure you take Jesus with you. He loves you so very much pw, and He knows that you are hurting for the things you have done, but He also wants you to heal and become renewed in Him again.

One thing I see pw, is you are still looking at the regrets of what damage you have caused...this is not doing anything but putting you deeper into bondage...you've got to look at the Hope that lies ahead. You've got to strive for that Hope....God is still in control, and He has all of this, if you will just let Him take this burden from you. But as you know, He can't lift the burden if you insist on hanging on to it. Forgive yourself pw...it is a MUST in this.

Praying for you still.

luv ya

Day 3

I think this step was a little harder for me I guess cause I have issues with myself. The issue of forgiving myself, I can often forgive someone else as quickly as the wrong has been done. However forgiving myself isn't always that easy.

I think that I put myself under pressure that isn't always necessary I guess mostly by worrying about things that I should just give to God and let him handle. I am not be no means making excuses for myself however I have been and still am under alot of pressure. A big bunch comes from taking care of my dad, having to do things that I normally don't do and things that I am learning to do as we go. The big thing is watching him fade away like he has, but down deep inside I know that he is a "winner either way". No matter what the outcome of this cancer will be if he beats it and lives a few more years or if God chooses to take him home to rest in paradise.

The hard part come when you have to let this stuff go, and let God take over. Its kinda funny but for the past two days I have been preaching to myself saying let this stuff go!!! Cause I know all of this stuff all to well to be the truth but getting to the do it part seems to take the longest.

On a good note I am starting to feel better about myself, I know God has forgiven me and as well as my family. I am forgiving my self but it comes a lot slower than God and my family forgiving me. They are so loving and gracious.......

well pw, guess what I see in your words today...Hope...the Hope that Jesus gives. You know that you can forgive yourself, now it's a matter of doing it. Yes it's so easy to look around and know what needs to be done, but even harder to do it. Especially when it concerns something we have done...but as you know, if you really work on letting it go...you will succeed with the strength of the Lord.

As far as the things going on with your dad, the new things your having to do and learn to do...that's part of the trials of life. As you know life is not easy...but also, you can't do this alone, you have got to let God take these things from you. Stop holding on to them. You know it's easy for you to make a mess of things, if your doing it your way, so how about trying God's way now.

I continue to pray for you pw. May God's good and perfect will be done in you.

luv ya

Hello again Brother

You are under a lot of pressure right now. Praising the Lord you have that comfort of knowing where your dad will go. Still difficult to watch him suffer and knowing you will have to let go for a time.

You know the devil couldn't keep Jesus from going to the cross, He couldn't stop God from forgiving us by going and tattling on us, He couldn't keep us from believing in what he did, so he tries to keep us from receiving Gods forgiveness. I know I've got some things from over 20 years ago God calling me to forgive myself for. I can feel him calling me to it and I'm getting closer. So you're not alone in this.

You love your family and that means a lot. And they love you. Love will prevail.

God loves you Dubya and so do I!

Step four


wow As I started reading this step, you wouldn't believe all the things that the Holy Spirit started bring back to my memory. Things from both of my marriages and my life as teen and even when I was just a little child. I now accept this freedom that God has given me In Jesus name amen. I know now I must move forward to obtain the Grace which he has for me.

My prayer is simple lord teach me to be a better servant for you and teach me to be a better husband and father to my children. Lord help me to obtain mercy and understanding and compassion towards others. Let my heart burn with passion and understanding not only towards my family and friends but to all of mankind. Thank you father for showing me the error of my ways and for your forgiveness and for teaching me to forgive my self.
Above all thank you for son Jesus that went to Calvary so that I may have eternal life. In Jesus name amen

Love ya bro