13 of 14
Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 2:23 pmHope I can do this w/o ending up raining on anyone's parade.
Although I keep a ,seperate, hand written journal , I do realize the importance of posting here as well, for if I read myself about my self, I tend to interpret myself WITH my own SELF. (Did I by any chance mention the word myself ??)
Yesteday was an extremely trying day for me, although I didn't realize that fact, till the end of it, and the effect that it had on my way of thinking this morning.
Throughout the process of this Path I had been "weeding" so to speak, recognizing, some defects that were preventing me from being of utmost service to God & my fellows, and asking God to remove them from me.
It was only by the Grace of God and the help & support I recieved from you guys here @ OASIS that I was able to accomplish that. Unbeknownst to me , one of those "weeds" was like those trick candles that we used for jokes, it just kept popping back up , either that or it had a deeper root than I thought.
Coming back to day 13 , the theme of which is reaching out to others through fellowship, it wasn't long ago that I had shared, through On-line conversation with a friend, the difficulty I was encountering every time I tryed to do so, and yesterday it all came clear to me the exact reason behind it, and let me tell you, I almost through my hands up in the air ready to give the whole thing up (once again). but something told me "wait till t'morrow".
To make a long story longer, as some of u who'd read my post on day 12 know about the state I woke up with yesterday, and dealt w/it the way shown me on this Path, and it worked -for awhile- , litlle did I know, other stuff was accumulating inside, that it came to full cycle & hit me right between the ears, when the computer crashed right in the middle of on-line fellowship conversation I was having with a friend that was going out of their way to stay w/me and guide & encourage me throughout this process , is when I finally realized what the NATURE of my "fear" was.
Let me put it this way, It wasn't the fear of talking, or opening up to people (for God only knows the whiner that I am) that I was afraid of all this time, but rather, the inability to transmit the same love, hope, faith & courage that was bestowed freely upon me WITHOUT causing some undiserved disappointment in others by saying the wrong thing or saying it in an inapropriate manner.
Yesterdays, unexpected "crash" and today's E-mail response to it having a flavor of dissapointment in it kinda reinforced the whole idea of, no matter what, how or the manner I try, someone always gets harmed in the process . Now I know and understand the fact that I have no control of how people think, feel or react to any situation, in fact I'm a firm believer of "80% of what's going on in my head is none of my business"
But the fact still remains I dont want to be the contributing factor. For to see a friend saddened by my action saddens me also.
Now I know how the FATHER feels, I'm getting a bit emotional here, have to go, my only hope is that someone will benefit from what I wrote. its the least & best I could do for now.
Although I keep a ,seperate, hand written journal , I do realize the importance of posting here as well, for if I read myself about my self, I tend to interpret myself WITH my own SELF. (Did I by any chance mention the word myself ??)
Yesteday was an extremely trying day for me, although I didn't realize that fact, till the end of it, and the effect that it had on my way of thinking this morning.
Throughout the process of this Path I had been "weeding" so to speak, recognizing, some defects that were preventing me from being of utmost service to God & my fellows, and asking God to remove them from me.
It was only by the Grace of God and the help & support I recieved from you guys here @ OASIS that I was able to accomplish that. Unbeknownst to me , one of those "weeds" was like those trick candles that we used for jokes, it just kept popping back up , either that or it had a deeper root than I thought.
Coming back to day 13 , the theme of which is reaching out to others through fellowship, it wasn't long ago that I had shared, through On-line conversation with a friend, the difficulty I was encountering every time I tryed to do so, and yesterday it all came clear to me the exact reason behind it, and let me tell you, I almost through my hands up in the air ready to give the whole thing up (once again). but something told me "wait till t'morrow".
To make a long story longer, as some of u who'd read my post on day 12 know about the state I woke up with yesterday, and dealt w/it the way shown me on this Path, and it worked -for awhile- , litlle did I know, other stuff was accumulating inside, that it came to full cycle & hit me right between the ears, when the computer crashed right in the middle of on-line fellowship conversation I was having with a friend that was going out of their way to stay w/me and guide & encourage me throughout this process , is when I finally realized what the NATURE of my "fear" was.
Let me put it this way, It wasn't the fear of talking, or opening up to people (for God only knows the whiner that I am) that I was afraid of all this time, but rather, the inability to transmit the same love, hope, faith & courage that was bestowed freely upon me WITHOUT causing some undiserved disappointment in others by saying the wrong thing or saying it in an inapropriate manner.
Yesterdays, unexpected "crash" and today's E-mail response to it having a flavor of dissapointment in it kinda reinforced the whole idea of, no matter what, how or the manner I try, someone always gets harmed in the process . Now I know and understand the fact that I have no control of how people think, feel or react to any situation, in fact I'm a firm believer of "80% of what's going on in my head is none of my business"
But the fact still remains I dont want to be the contributing factor. For to see a friend saddened by my action saddens me also.
Now I know how the FATHER feels, I'm getting a bit emotional here, have to go, my only hope is that someone will benefit from what I wrote. its the least & best I could do for now.
May you know how very much you are loved here at the Oasis and how much God loves you too. You know what I see? I see Satan trying to drag you into a pit of despair. Yep, see Satan knows how hard you are trying for God and reaching for Him and wanting to be a better soul for the Lord...and he doesn't like it one bit. Now lift up your head, look at the "Son" light and fight. Fight the good fight. You can do this, Jesus wants to help you. Remember that computers don't have feelings so when we sometimes say things online, they come off to another soul not in the manner we inted them too. Satan will try and use this to his advantage as well. You are doing so good on these steps. Don't let Satan whisper his lies to you. He's gonna try to you know. Rebuke him in the name of Jesus, and focus on the Lord. Turn on some Christian music and sing my friend. Shouting and clapping as loud as you can....let the neighbors hear ya.....then claim the joy that the Lord promises you.
now there's that spirit I know.
